Five weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant. The night I found out, I had attended a birthday dinner with my friends Daniel and Brent for Brent's birthday. We had dinner at Stix and had planned to leave there and go back to their apartment. Before we left, I read my fortune cookie as usual. When I was younger, we would always add "on the toilet" or "in the bed" after whatever phrase the fortune cookie said. So, as usual, I just wanted to see how funny my fortune cookie would be with the addition of one of these phrases. I cracked the cookie open and there read the phrase "You are about to add more femininity into your life". I immediately laughed and joked to Daniel, "This must have been yours because I'm as feminine as it gets". I wish I would have kept the paper because little did I know that I would soon find out I was pregnant. We then left the restaurant and headed over to their house. As soon as I got there, I needed to use the restroom. I had taken a pregnancy test at their house before and left the other test there underneath their cabinet. So as I go into the restroom, I get the bright idea to tinkle on the other stick just because. My husband and I were not trying, so I knew that the test would be negative and I could just throw it away. There was no way I could be pregnant. Mmmk....so the test came up with a bright pink plus sign. I immediately had a legit panic attack. To avoid all the painful hours to follow, I will just spare you the details and let you know that after five more pregnancy tests, it was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant.
This brings me to today...ten weeks and a day later. I cannot begin to describe all of the emotions that have occurred since the night I first found out about my pregnancy. I can tell you that I have never been the girl who dreamed about a family. I am not against family or kids; I guess I just never thought about it. If I dreamed about anything it was marriage and love. I'm a sappy kind of girl, and I it just never occurred to me that babies were the natural next step. When I told my husband, he was super excited. Bless his heart, he's wanted to get me pregnant since the day we said "I do"...no joke!!
I have nine months to let my mind wrap around the fact that sometime soon, there is going to be a child that is going to call me "mommy" and is going to depend on me. However, as of right now, these thoughts are a little overwhelming. Every day, I have new fears and questions. If you know me well, you know that I am a planner. Having a baby at 25 was not a plan of mine. Needless to say, I have to readjust my plans. There are many things that I do not know about being a mother, but I do know this one thing...I want to be a good mother. I've had my selfish moments, and I've lived a very full life to be just twenty four. For this I am grateful. However, when the baby gets here...I don't want to be the same person then that I am today. I mentioned earlier that I never considered being a mother before, but when the thought did cross my mind...I knew that I would want to be good at it one day. But goodness...that is as far as my thought process went. Now that this pregnancy is real, I know that wanting to be a good mother and being a good mother are two different things. Luckily, I've had both. I had a mother who only held the title of mother because she gave birth to me. I also have a mother that has been the word in every form and fashion. I have also been blessed to have many women in my life that have been a motherly figure in some kind of way. At this moment, I am picking my brain apart. I want to be like this, I want to do this, I don't want to do that, Can I be this...and most importantly...Can I do this. This morning, I was thinking about a friend of mine and how sad I felt that he didn't have the greatest parents. This thought crossed my mind "Too bad you can't choose your parents". As soon as I had this thought, I almost had to pull my car over (obviously, I was driving). I don't want my child to go without, or to grow up with a mother who put herself before her own child. Again...please imagine me letting out a big ol' sigh. I do have nine months to prepare and throughout this nine months, my heart is open and my prayer is that God will mold me. Believe me, I need to be molded ;)
So that's my rant after not posting a blog for months:) I'm pregnant, I'm hormonal, and I'm about to be twenty five. Life is good…crazy…but wonderful. When I get too overwhelmed, I find comfort in knowing that God still has a plan. Thankfully He does, because my plans are needing a little readjustment;)
