The Aftermath

I am a pretty open book. I do not tend to shy away from honesty. Especially when it comes to my private life. As most of you who read my blogs know, I recently got a divorce in September. The emotional process after the divorce has been so different from what I mentally pictured it would be. In my mind, the moments leading up to the divorce, I just wanted it all over with. I thought the divorce would bring an end to the hurt my heart was feeling. Let me be clear in this...The hurt did not end. And in my hurt, here are a few things I have learned.

1. Losing a marriage is comparable to death. Except in a divorce, the person isn't gone. Their presence on this earth still leaves you with questions. Did I do everything I could to save my marriage? Am I a bad parent for going through this divorce? What did I do wrong in my marriage? What could/should I have done differently? Is there a possibility of reconciliation? Will my child resent me? These are feelings and thoughts that literally haunt my mind and trouble my heart, if not daily, at least a good few times a week. The absence of that spouse is ever present in your mind and in your life. I see it in my finances. I feel it in the stress of being a working mother and provider for my child. On days when I would have normally had my husband help with chores around the house, I now am the sole care taker/laundry folder/dinner making/bath giving/entertainer extraordinaire. I feel the loss of my husband every day in these tiny aspects of my daily life.

2. It is okay to grieve. In fact, YOU NEED TO. Grieving is a natural part of this process. I believe that in this modern time, people love and lose all too quickly and easily. I am very different from that. I love hard. I pledged my forever to a man and now that forever is no longer there. Many will offer you their advice and sweet concerns. Words such as "You deserved better" or "Someone is going to come along and treat you better" are phrases that people say with good intentions, but it doesn't really heal that wound. I don't care how horrible a spouse was to you, those words do not help. There are times when my throat and heart feel as if they are sitting at the pit of my stomach. The weight of it feels heavy and makes it hard to breathe. These feelings are very normal although they are a horrible emotion for a human to feel. Allow yourself to feel this. You lost your forever. If you can honestly say that you did not grieve or feel bad after a relationship has met its end, then I do not believe your heart was in that relationship.

3. It is going to take time. Some days, I feel fine. Then there are days when I feel the remorse and the overwhelming feeling of loss all over again. Grieving is a process. Let it happen.

4. Self-care. It is important to take care of yourself during this time. I don't mean go on shopping sprees. If you have or are experiencing a divorce, you know we ain't got that money...hehehe. What I do mean is do little things that bring you joy. Turn the music up loud and dance if that is what comforts you. Take a few extra minutes in your morning and make yourself that cup of coffee you always forget to do. Rock your son to sleep, and when he falls asleep, keep rocking him. I found that when I got a divorce, I threw myself into a robotic routine. In order to numb out the pain, I kept myself busy. I realized one day while rocking my son to sleep that I was watching and waiting for the clock to hit at exactly 8:00pm so I could put him in his crib and start on my school work. I realized how sad it was that I was defining my life through silly robotic routines. I made a vow then and there to take the extra time to rock him; even it means he is passed out with drool dripping down my numb arm. These are the things that bring me joy. What brings you joy? Allow yourself time to do and experience them. Bask in it. Taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to feel moments of happiness and pure joy is so important during this grieving process. **Side note. As long as these things are healthy and are not physically or emotionally harmful to you or anyone else.

5. You do not owe anybody an answer. I started seeing a counselor after my divorce. One of the repetitive things that kept creeping up is my fear of having to owe people an answer. This might not be something you experienced, but for me, I felt that people expected something from me that I could not offer. The advice my counselor gave was this: Set out whatever amount of time that you would like and tell yourself and everyone else involved that you will not be making any life changing decisions in this allotted amount of time. This was huge for me. It was a moment that I realized I did not owe anybody anything. The person I answer to is myself (and my son). At the end of the day, your focus should be on you and what it takes to get through this valley. Because that is what this is. It is a valley. But valleys can be a great adventure as well.

6. Don't be stupid. Let's be honest. I've made several stupid decisions since my divorce in a poor attempt to feel whole or empowered again. I spent money on credit cards that were already close to being maxxed out. I tried the bar/dating scene. These characteristics just are not me. I am deep down a girl who likes to be at home surrounded by people I love, in my pajamas, with a glass of wine and or coffee in hand(don't judge me), watching a good movie. Continue to be yourself. Trying to fill a void is just what it is. It is an attempt to fit something into a spot where it doesn't belong. Now don't get me wrong. I enjoy my time with a girlfriend eating good food and having a good margarita. But the excess of any of that is just not who I am. If it doesn't feel natural or right, then it isn't. Walk away. Anyone who doesn't support you in this is just not good for you and you should not walk, but run from them.

7. Pull the wise close. When I went through my divorce, it was the first time in my life that I had ever felt that God did not love/care about me. I pushed God and anything that seemed wise away. It hurt too much for me. I had begged God to restore my marriage and family and it didn't happen. With that said, I just did not want to hear reason. Everything that made sense to me before was suddenly challenged. I went to church only to keep some kind of conviction in my life. I was scared that if I didn't, my heart would become completely hard. I am glad that I made this decision. In the midst of my storm, God was still speaking through the only outlet I would give Him. I just joined a small group at church. It was the best decision I made. My heart still hurts and the bars camped up around it is still sealed tight. But I feel a softening coming. Allow wisdom in your life. Don't just hear it. Listen. Allow wisdom to sink in your heart and direct your path. As hard as it is to believe it, God still has a plan in all of this. I am literally telling myself this everyday...my mind knows it; my heart just doesn't feel it. That's okay. It will come. The willingness to be open to it is a start in the right direction.

8. You are not ready to give yourself away. Just stop trying. This is a hard pill for me to swallow. In my marriage, my spouse had a hard time allowing me to show them love. My thoughts were this "If I could just find someone that will love me and allow me to love them back, I will be okay". WRONG. I'm not ready. You aren't ready. Even if I were to reconcile with my ex-husband, the time right now is not right. The grieving process is still taking place. It is so important that you allow yourself to grieve. Feel everything it has. With that said, you cannot grieve the loss of your marriage and be whole enough to give yourself away to a new person. It is unfair to you and that person to pretend to do so. I'm not saying don't date or have a good time with friends. Dating is fine. It's good to have a reason to get dressed up and have a good dinner. But be clear and honest about your intentions.

9. Allow yourself time to cry. My time is in the car when my son is not in there with me. It is also at night when I'm alone. After the crying is done, pick yourself up and get on with your day. Crying is not weak. However, it is also not appropriate at certain times. I started crying on the way home one day and my son was in the back seat of the car. I was lost in my emotions and then I heard my son start to cry. He was crying because I was. That was when I realized that I need to take my crying self somewhere else. There is a time and a place for your tears. It is okay to cry, but at the right time and place.

10. This is not about them. It's about you. I have heard people try to self-motivate themselves during their divorce by focusing on the flaws of their spouse. "You're better off anyways" "They don't deserve you". Blah blah blah blah blah. Stop it. Just stop it. You are divorced. This is not about them anymore. It is about you. Focus on yourself. What can you change? How can you be a better person/parent/coworker/friend? Concentrating on the flaws of someone else is a weak attempt at trying to feel better. Be strong enough to admit that you have crap you need to deal with and then DEAL WITH IT.

Listen, I do not have it together. I am learning. A few months ago, I was driving in downtown Birmingham. As I came to a stoplight, I noticed what I assumed to be a mother and her son who appeared to be around the age of 10 or 11. The first thing I did was look at her hand. There was no ring on it. I watched these two walk across the street together. They were holding hands and to my surprise, laughing. I do not know their story. I didn't get out of my car or yell out at the woman from my car window to ask them. What I do know is there wasn't a father walking with them or a ring on her hand. I felt God saying to my spirit, "You will laugh again". As I said, this was a few months ago, and I still have my days where life seems like it is in complete and utter shambles. But I think about that mother and son and deep down, I know things will be okay. If you are like me and you believe in love, then you have this deep desire to feel it again. Let me tell you this...You can't love out of a heart that is broken and insecure. No man (or woman) wants to be with someone who needs them to fill a void. God did not create a spouse to fill a void that only He Himself can fill. A spouse is supposed to compliment you, not complete you. Don't put that expectation on yourself or on someone else. Allow yourself time to heal. Joy will come. The laughter will come. The pain will subside. It's got to. Life has its troubles, but in the words of the infamous rock band, Poison, "Every night has its dawn". And like a true southern belle, let me leave you with the words of both Scarlett O'Hara from Gone with the Wind and Claire Belcher from Steele Magnolias.

“After all, tomorrow is another day!” ― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind


That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." - This line by Claire Belcher