Like a Child

Today, I found myself thinking of me when I was younger.  When I say young, I mean teenager.  I was foolish, silly, and made mistakes often.  However, if there is one noble thing I could say for myself at that age, it would be that I truly longed for more of God and less of me.  At that time, I knew of nothing else.  I wanted nothing more.  Now that I'm older  (and much much wiser..hahaha), I look back, and sadly enough, I am no longer that same person.   Of course, with this realization comes the natural question..."What happened".  I would like to answer with the usual "life happened".  However, I truly know better than that.  When I ask this question to myself, immediately my spirit reminds me of the verse John 10:10, when Jesus was telling a parable about sheep, He speaks of the thief (the devil) whose whole purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy". 

I remember the people I surrounded myself with.  They were funny, loved life, but most of all...they loved Jesus.  In everything they did, Jesus was the motive behind it all.  I look back at these people, even people that I admired as Christian influence, and they seem just as tainted as I.    However, I never felt saddened at my state of complacency until I saw the complacency of those I once loved or admired.  Some used to sing from stages the love they had for God, and now their songs are filled of hopeless and sad emotions.  Some spoke from microphones and shared their love for Christ to others.  Now, they share their love of worldly desires to those who will listen.  But I am just as bad, if not worse.  The complacency I've been in is of my own choosing.  True...life does happen.  We face situations that we never planned, and they tend to get the best of us.  At least I know this to be true for me.  For a while, I fought for so long to keep the faith and not waver.  I reached a point where I just wanted to give in.  I'm not sure if you have ever felt this, but I know it to be so true.  And after looking back at the faith and zeal I once had, I weep and long to possess such things once again.  At the end of the day, my heart is and forever will be for God and Him alone.  But I want my dedication and my time to be consumed in Him as well.  It's not an easy transition back.  I feel as if my "child-like faith" has been stolen and in place of it remains questions, fear, and doubt.  Yuck!! Can't I just be like a child again?  As I whisper this to God (yes, I do ask him such things), I can hear Him let out a low chuckle and say the words from Revelations 21:5 "Behold, I am making all things new"  and He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true". 

I am thankful that He is merciful and gracious and PATIENT!!  The other day, I was driving home from work, and as I was thinking about some of the hardships of life, a tear fell down my face and I whispered to God, "You knew I would go through this, You knew I would lose faith, and still You love me".  I could continue to write about the many things I am learning at this phase in my life, but for now this is it.  I want to be a child again.  Not physically, but spiritually.  I want the faith that is not tainted. I don't want it just for me.  I want it for everybody who once had the faith like a child, and somehow lost it along the way.  It makes me angry at Satan, the thief!!  What a douche bag!! (If you know me, this is one of my favorite words...it's a bad habit).  Dear Jesus, please protect me from the thief and help me find my child-like faith.