Looking Back

Many people are afraid to say or write how they feel.  Maybe it is a fear of rejection.  It could be a lack of being able to put what they feel into words.  I'm not sure what it is.  For me, I am most fearful of not saying how I feel or perhaps missing the chance to express my feelings to those that I cherish the most.  

In reflection, the year of 2010 has been a year of change in every area of my life.  For the first time in my life, I have experienced emotions of regret, uncertainty, doubt, and fear all at once.  I could feel every emotion in more than one area of life.  I could feel it spiritually, physically, and emotionally.  I could feel it in decisions I had made in the present, as well as decisions I made in the past.  I do not recall a time in my life that I have ever felt regret so much that it haunted me the way it has this year.  I have always been the person that could shake it off and move on.  I am not sure why I have been so in tune with these emotions of doubt and regret.  Perhaps it stems from change.  Change is one thing in life that is inevitable.  You can not resist change, nor can you prevent it.  Change is a natural part of life.  Change is not always a bad thing, however, it is the change that forces one to stop and reflect and at times access where they are at in life.  A friend of mine in high school once showed me a quote that I have often looked back at and used as inspiration.  Her quote states "If there wasn't any change, there wouldn't be any butterflies".  What a beautiful way to look at change.  I guess for me, as change took place, I began to reflect.  As I look back on my life, there are several things that I would have done differently.  They say hindsight is always 20/20.  How true is that?  If only I knew then what I know now...how different would my choices have been?  None of these choices have to do with life or death situations, rather direction in life.  Looking back now, I realize that many of my choices were made out of influence rather than personal belief.  It saddens me to know that I let other people's influence have an impact on decisions that I would have to live with. 

Due to the fact that I have never dealt with guilt or regret, I decided to research regret.  I'm not sure that this is the normal thing to do when dealing with regret, but because I am a Psychology major, I was interested in the psychology of it all.  To put it to you plainly, regret gets you nowhere.  A person who suffers from regret is often moody, emotional, and fantasizes on what "could have" been.  I don't want to be this person, so as a result, I have decided that I will no longer dwell on the "what if's" in life.  Life is what it is.  I am grateful for each breath I've been given, and I don't want to waste my present days living in the past.  So, as a life goal, not to be confused with a New Year's Resolution, I want to live a life the makes the most out of each moment.  If I love you, I want you to know right then and there that I love you.  I will tell you, I will express it, and I will live it out.  If I am passionate about something, I will devote my full heart into it.  If it is in the past, that is where I will leave it. 

Thankfully, I have great friends, family, and the most wonderful husband who has put up with me and my horrible roller coaster of emotions throughout the past year.  I am blessed beyond measure.  As for me and my life, I want to live a life that is unabandoned.  Unabandoned spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  1 Corinthians 9:24 says "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run but only one gets the prize?  Run in such a way as to get the prize".  This might be theme verse for the year 2011.  And this is all I have to write.  I encourage you in you are reading this to live a carpe diem life.  Seize each moment and live it to the fullest.  Run the race in such a way that you come out as the winner!!  From now on, that's what I'm gonna be doing:)

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. - Groucho Marx