The Martha Complex

I dropped Aiden off this morning, him crying. I walked as fast I could to my car, opened the driver's side door, plopped myself in, slammed the door shut...all before the tears could come rushing down my face. I had done everything I could to get him to school on time. I woke up early and got myself ready so by the time he woke up I would be able to spend it with him. In fact, I had to wake him up this morning which is awfully unusual being that he has an internal alarm clock that wakes him up at 5:00 on the dot every morning. But not this morning. I went in his room around 6:15 and gently tried to get him to wake up. We went downstairs, Henry Hugglemonster already on the television, and sat with his sippy cup full of milk and his hands and mouth full of blueberry muffins. I don't get much time with him so I try to make the most of the time I do have. I had him dressed and ready by 7:00. We should have walked out of the door then. But I couldn't find my car keys. Of course. I am the most absent minded person you could ever meet. I started to mentally beat myself up about it. How in the world could you lose your keys? You had everything else set out and ready to go. Of course you'd screw something up. I dug through the trash can first convinced I had thrown them away in one of my moments of absent mindedness. Nope. Searched the entire trash can. Nothing. Nada. So I ran upstairs, heels and all. I looked in my bathroom, in my closet, in Aiden's room. Finally, I looked on the night stand by my bed, and there they were. Sitting in a logical place. The very last place I would've looked. By the time I walked out of the house, crying baby in tow, it was 7:15 which meant I was gonna be caught in the Birmingham traffic. Great. I screwed my morning up already.

So I sat in the parking lot of my son's daycare, and I cried. It didn't matter because I was already going to be late. What I really wanted to do was throw myself onto the ground and pull out one of Aiden's fits. Kicking and screaming, I wanted to cry "Why me, this isn't fair". Being a mom in and of itself is a hard job. I have been a stay at home mother and I have experienced life as a mother with a husband/partner that could help and share in all the tasks. But being a single mom, well...it sucks. There really isn't a nice way to put it. There isn't family close to me to help with the extra stuff that has to get done. There isn't a husband that can entertain my son while I cook him dinner. I do it all. And it's exhausting. I try really hard to get all my ducks in a row. My time with Aiden is limited now that I work, so I make an extra effort to take advantage of the time that I do have with him. When he is sleeping is the time that I clean, shower, do laundry, finish school work, watch tv, etc. But there always seems to be a kink in the hose. And to be quite honest, it is frustrating.

When I finally gathered myself together, put my car in reverse, and backed out of my parking spot to continue on towards work, I found myself asking God, "remind me today that you have already overcome the world". This life is a struggle. I often wonder where the joy has gone. How do I conquer this boy that you have given me, God? How do I meet his needs, and my needs, and your needs...how do I do it all? "Take heart", He says. "I've overcome the world", He says. "When, God because I feel a little overcome right now". I know God probably laughs at me. These things are so trivial and fleeting and in comparison with some...they really aren't that important. But they overwhelm me. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, but sometimes, I feel alone in it.

I think about Mary and Martha when Jesus came to visit. The book of Luke, chapter 10 tells a story about how Martha had opened her home for Jesus and His disciples to visit. Martha was so distracted and busy with all the "stuff" that she needed to get done and noticed that her sister, Martha, was sitting at the feet of Jesus instead of helping her. Now, I can relate with Martha. What the heck did Martha think she was doing? We don't have time to sit. THINGS HAVE GOT TO BE DONE!!!! But Martha, she just sat there at the feet of Jesus. The story tells of how Martha asked Jesus, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me". "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” DANGIT...we might as well insert my name into His text. "Erica, Erica. You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is really needed. Sit at my feet and rest a little". If I were being honest with you, I spend very little time sitting at the feet of Jesus. I want to, but when do I fit it in? At 4:00 am before Aiden wakes up? At night when I'm already half asleep and have tons of school work waiting on me? There has been a lot of change going on in my life, and I am trying to find a new normal. The balance is hard, and I know I have left out the most important thing. Jesus. And honestly, it seems like making time for Him is just adding another "task" to my list of things "to do".

Now...don't you judge me. I know you have been there too. So how do we fix this? My pastor has often taught that serving Jesus is not a "got to" but an "I get to" thing. When our hearts are right, making time for Him is not a task. It's an honor. So that's what it has come to, guys. Getting back to the basics. Counting it joy to spend time with my Father, even if it means the dishes don't get done or my show doesn't get watched. Oh Martha, I feel your pain. Who else is going to get that boy bathed and dressed? But Mary...she got it right. The Father is here now. Let's spend time with Him. He is what is ultimately important. Everything else will fall in line. To you tired mothers. I got you. I'm there in the struggle with you. We are going to make it. Our Father sees us. He hasn't forgotten. Let's just take some time out...reaccess with our Daddy God. It's that important and vital to our making it to the next day with a sane mind. Take heart, my dear friends. Daddy God has got this!!