Yesterday, as I was walking out of work, I heard the laughter of children playing. I glanced in the distance to my far right, and there they were gathered altogether. There must have been about five or six of them. The sun was glaring, so I had to squint, but the smiles across their face was as plain as if I were seeing it face to face. As I continued walking to my car, I thought of the sweet innocence of children and how little and few their worries are and how I missed that. Well, these thoughts began a series of more thoughts that led me to a memory of my father and I when I was younger. As a child, my daddy could be in close proximity, and I would jump towards him from whatever object I was on top of. The idea that he would not catch me never entered into my thoughts. My childlike heart just knew that he would not let me fall. I did this countless times. Without him being aware of my intentions even, I would jump. And he always caught me. Every time. It didn't matter how far away I was or how awkward the catch might have been to make, he always caught me. Now, remember I am driving, and so this memory is playing in my mind, and tears start rolling down my face as I am seeing this mental picture in my head. A picture of my father, dependable and trust worthy, catching me no matter how difficult the feat might have been.
Is that not what our Heavenly Daddy does for us? I have made many decisions in my life, and some of which have left me in awkward and difficult life positions. And He still caught me. I mean, I am overwhelmed with the thought.
Read what David says about his similar situation in Psalms 40:1-10.
"I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud. He stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn’t slip. He taught me how to sing the latest God-song, a praise-song to our God. More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery, abandoning themselves to God. Blessed are you who give yourselves over to God, turn your backs on the world’s “sure thing,” ignore what the world worships;The world’s a huge stockpile of God-wonders and God-thoughts. Nothing and no one comes close to you! I start talking about you, telling what I know, and quickly run out of words. Neither numbers nor words account for you. Doing something for you, bringing something to you—that’s not what you’re after. Being religious, acting pious—that’s not what you’re asking for. You’ve opened my ears so I can listen. So I answered, “I’m coming. I read in your letter what you wrote about me, And I’m coming to the party you’re throwing for me.” That’s when God’s Word entered my life, became part of my very being. I’ve preached you to the whole congregation, I’ve kept back nothing, God—you know that. I didn’t keep the news of your ways a secret, didn’t keep it to myself. I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough. I didn’t hold back pieces of love and truth for myself alone. I told it all, let the congregation know the whole story"
In my very truest and honest form, I am flawed. Unworthy and completely in need of a Savior. A Father who will save. My heart is so overwhelmed with His goodness and his undeserved, sweet and pure love. A heart is not to far and a fall is not too difficult for our Father to catch us and save us from. As a child, I knew that my father would catch me. But as an adult, it is still hard sometimes for my heart to believe that my Heavenly Father would still want to catch me, or even be aware that I am in need. The truth, as David describes in Psalms, is that He is will catch us. He places on a solid rock, which I believe is His Word, which gives us a solid foundation to continue on in this life. Maybe you have jumped and you are waiting to be caught. I have great news, your fall isn't too deep or unnoticed for the Father to catch you and place you upon that high rock!!!
Have you ever felt this way? How has God shown you His faithfulness in the catching?
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Friday, May 9, 2014
Ode to "The Mom"
My earliest memory of you happens to be one of my favorite memories with you. You were getting ready to go grocery shopping and asked me to go with you. I remember the feeling of being chosen and wanted when you asked. I climbed into the passenger seat of the car and to this day, I am not sure if I asked a question or made a statement. But I will always remember what happened after. I called you "mom" for the first time. I remember the look on your face. You were shocked. Tears started forming in your eyes, and for a moment I thought I might have said something wrong. I followed my statement with "Is it ok that I call you mom". You were so happy, and from that day, I knew you as nothing but my mother.
We don't need to go into details about our past with my biological mother because YOU have fulfilled every ounce of the term and definition of what a mother is. I remember seeing you on your knees praying in the front of our church. I knew you were praying for me and Gina. And I knew, mama, because of your time spent on your knees praying to our Father, that we would win the fight. And we did. God won the fight for us.
I remember having nightmares. We lived in the blue house. Every night you would scoop me up out of bed and carry me into the living room. You would turn on the tape that played the sounds of waves crashing on the beach and seagulls singing in the background. I would sit on your lap as you rocked me back and forth. Back and forth we would rock and you would sing hymns in my ear. One night, I just could not fall back asleep. You took me outside to our back yard and we picked roses from the bush that sat against our house. Then we sat on the steps and looked at the stars and the moon in the night sky. When we came in, you put the flowers in a vase and told me that it would be our secret. We wouldn't tell anyone how or why the flowers got there. You will never know how warm my heart felt to be the one to sneak out of the house with you and pick flowers. It was easy to fall asleep after that night because of the feeling in my heart. It was a feeling of true love.
Do you remember the Christmas when I was afraid that Santa wouldn't know where to find us? You had Daddy call him the Eve of Christmas to let him know that we were "home" with you and Daddy. You tease me because I still refer to the lake as my home. I know that I don't live there anymore, but I see it as my home because that is where you and Daddy are. If you were in Canada, then Canada would become my home.
I was a teenager and we had one of our horrible fights. I told you horrible things out of anger. You made me get in the van. I was so angry and yet I knew I should not have been ugly towards you but I wasn't sure how to tell you I was sorry. You drove me to the park that sits behind the Tallassee Elementary school and we walked to the swings. I honestly do not remember our conversation that day. But I remember something changed. I saw through my teenaged female hormones that you were a constant in my life. I also saw the pain and hurt that I had caused to a woman who did everything for me. I know that I still had my teenage moments after that day but never again would I take you for granted.
You made a lot of sacrifices to be my mother. I honestly don't think you even see them as sacrifices, but that's what they were. You loved me like your own. You never entitled yourself as a mother, but I knew as a young child that you were what a mother should be. You never did for yourself because you made sure that Gina and I had everything we ever needed or wanted. You bravely fought for our lives.
The past few years have been a series of trials for me. There were times I felt like giving up. But you wouldn't let me. You showed me love, sometimes tough love but love nonetheless. I drew from your strength. I am the woman and mother I am today because of you. As I write this, tears are literally pouring down my face. God chose you to be my mother. He knew I would need you to teach me about His love. And you knew I would need Him to survive this life.
I will never ever be able to tell you in the human language how much love and gratitude I have for you. There aren't words in the English language but I will attempt to do my best. I love you, mommy. I am grateful for your sacrifice. I am thankful for the spiritual and physical battles you fought with me in mind. Thank you for encouraging me to dream big. Thank you for encouraging me to travel. Thank you for introducing me to a variety of music that included but was not limited to Frank Sinatra, The Carpenters, Michael Bolton, Neil Diamond, Wilson Phillips, The Beach Boys, Elton John, Carly Simon, and so so much more. Thank you for pushing me to achieve and be great. Thank you for screening the music I listened to and the movies I watched. Thank you for giving me a curfew. Thank you for teaching me to have standards. Thank you for teaching me how to put on make up and shave my legs. Thank you for teaching me the beauty of sitting still with a cup of coffee and nothing but the sound of silence. Thank you for showing me what strength looks like. Thank you for encouraging me to be a woman after the heart of the Father. Thank you for telling me about Jesus and His love for me. For everything you have done and will do, I am grateful. You are my home. You are my strength and encouragement. You are my mom. I love you, mommy, and I am so grateful that I am yours!!
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Bless the Lord, Oh My Soul
Every morning, I try to wake up a little earlier than my sweet son so that I can spend a few moments in prayer and worship to my Father. A phone call from a friend on Tuesday morning changed the way I have spent my morning fellowship with the Lord. This was the phone call that told me that my dear and precious friend, Brittany Huber, had passed away the night before in a tragic car wreck that stole her life and left her fiancé injured and in the hospital just days before they were to be married. Since that phone call, I have found myself experiencing many questions for my father. I have gone through the feeling of shock and disbelief. I have felt very real the pain of loss, anger, and hurt that such a sweet soul would be taken from this Earth. In fact, it felt unfair that life could keep going when someone so special to me was no longer here. For over a year, I have been planning for her special day, May 3, 2014, when I, along with many...many others, would watch as she married the love of her life, John Redman. Today, May 1, 2014, I no longer have plans to watch my friend walk down the aisle in the wedding dress that she chose for her special day. Instead, I will be traveling four and a half hours as they lay her body to rest.
The past few days, I have found myself relating to King David in so many ways. Psalm 102 is actually David pouring out his heart and soul to the Father. In this chapter, David expresses his feelings of affliction and weariness. In fact, Psalm 102, verses 1 through 11 is basically a description of David pitching a fit with the Lord. Like David, I have spent these few days pitching my fit with the Father. What I find interesting about David is that he continues on with his fellowship to the Father and as he does, his words change from complaining to singing praises to the Father. David begins to remind Himself of who God is. Skip over to Psalm 103, David actually COMMANDS his soul to "Praise the Lord and forget not all his benefits" (NIV Translation). As I was praying and seeking God this morning, the song "10,000 Reasons" from Matt Redman came on. The song is taken from Psalm 103. Immediately, I felt the presence of God in my small bathroom and the Holy Spirit quickening me to command my soul to bless the Lord, even when I do not understand the trials in this life or the reason for Brittany's passing. Like David, even in my heartache, I had to demand my emotions to praise God in the midst of my confusion and pain and remind myself that the Lord is Sovereign.
I shared with a friend of mine this week that as I was praying and worshipping the Father, I had a realization that I was on this side of heaven worshipping the Father, but Brittany...she is now on the other side worshipping Him face to face. And for a moment, I longed to be with her and was jealous that she is now free from the troubles of this world now standing forever in the presence of a Holy God.
My heart is still breaking, I know along with many others. I do not understand this life and its hardships. I long for this all to be only a nightmare. In the midst of this storm, that so many others are also facing, I pray for Brittany's family, her fiancé John, and his family, and the people who were touched by their life and relationship. God is a sovereign God, and through Brittany's story, so many lives are being touched and changed. I am so thankful for the life of Brittany Huber and her story of strength, adversity, and pure joy. Knowing her is one of my 10,000 reasons to command my soul to "bless the Lord" even when my heart does not understand.
The past few days, I have found myself relating to King David in so many ways. Psalm 102 is actually David pouring out his heart and soul to the Father. In this chapter, David expresses his feelings of affliction and weariness. In fact, Psalm 102, verses 1 through 11 is basically a description of David pitching a fit with the Lord. Like David, I have spent these few days pitching my fit with the Father. What I find interesting about David is that he continues on with his fellowship to the Father and as he does, his words change from complaining to singing praises to the Father. David begins to remind Himself of who God is. Skip over to Psalm 103, David actually COMMANDS his soul to "Praise the Lord and forget not all his benefits" (NIV Translation). As I was praying and seeking God this morning, the song "10,000 Reasons" from Matt Redman came on. The song is taken from Psalm 103. Immediately, I felt the presence of God in my small bathroom and the Holy Spirit quickening me to command my soul to bless the Lord, even when I do not understand the trials in this life or the reason for Brittany's passing. Like David, even in my heartache, I had to demand my emotions to praise God in the midst of my confusion and pain and remind myself that the Lord is Sovereign.
I shared with a friend of mine this week that as I was praying and worshipping the Father, I had a realization that I was on this side of heaven worshipping the Father, but Brittany...she is now on the other side worshipping Him face to face. And for a moment, I longed to be with her and was jealous that she is now free from the troubles of this world now standing forever in the presence of a Holy God.
My heart is still breaking, I know along with many others. I do not understand this life and its hardships. I long for this all to be only a nightmare. In the midst of this storm, that so many others are also facing, I pray for Brittany's family, her fiancé John, and his family, and the people who were touched by their life and relationship. God is a sovereign God, and through Brittany's story, so many lives are being touched and changed. I am so thankful for the life of Brittany Huber and her story of strength, adversity, and pure joy. Knowing her is one of my 10,000 reasons to command my soul to "bless the Lord" even when my heart does not understand.
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| Brittany and I after Emily's wedding |
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| Brittany, Me, and Cheryl after Maya's wedding |
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| Brittany with Aiden at the hospital after he was born. |
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| This was at San Miguels in Mobile, AL. We were celebrating Tabitha's birthday. This was also when I told them I was pregnant. |
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| This picture was taken at Bonefish Grill right before I moved from Mobile to Birmingham. |
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| This picture was taken at Cheryl's house while celebrating baby Aiden. |
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| The day that Brittany got to be a model for Lotus Boutique. |
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| Maya's Wedding |
Monday, March 17, 2014
To You Brave Souls...
I admire the brave souls that wake up each day with a purpose. Sometimes that purpose is to change the world. Sometimes, it is just to make through the day without yelling at someone. Either way, the courage that comes with completing the day is admirable. And the ones that complete the day and touch other's along the way are simply treaures in this world.
I've met several people in my twenty seven years of life. I value the people I come in contact with. The contact could be brief. There are those who I met for a moment and their impact on me will last a lifetime. There are some that were in my life for a season and that season has come and gone. Yet, I will remember the mark they left on my life.
The first person outside of my family that I remember impacted me was an African American man that my father brought home to visit one afternoon. My father introduced him to me as his brother, and I will never forget the smile that was on this man's face. It was radiant, and in my child like mind, I truly believed that man was my father's brother. I must've been five or six at the time because my younger brother wasn't born yet. But the smile and the happiness that radiated from that man will never be forgotten.
My first grade teacher, Mrs. Debbie Jones, was a beautiful woman. Her parents owned a house beside ours on the lake, and I always felt a special connection with her. She was kind and made me feel important and cared for. I can't tell you exactly what it was that she did to make me love her so, but I did.
Mrs. Gwen was a lady that lived in a trailer behind mine when I first moved to Atmore, AL as a newlywed. I felt like I was living in the desert isolated from my friends and family. This woman took me in. She would stand on her front porch that faced my back porch and holler out in her true country fashion "Yoooohoooo, suppa's ready". I weighed more than I ever have in my life during my time in Atmore, but the presence of this woman in my life was worth every pound.
I had surgery not too long ago. As I was being prepped for surgery, the lady that was my nurse was sharing her love for her job and the opportunity God has given her to share His love. I didn't tell the woman I was a believer as well simply because I enjoyed hearing her share. I can't remember her name, but her face and her soft voice is ever present in my mind.
I met this man while traveling in ministry several years ago. We recently reconnected. He reminds me of the grumpy cat. He's not the most optimistic person ever. But he was a good friend to me in a time when I needed one. Even in his pessimistic moments, he finds beauty in the most precious of things. I would rather choose the word "realist" because in all honesty, he has a tremendously kind heart and I felt honored that I saw glimpses of it.
So many people I have met in passing. Seasons brought some to stay, but most of these people I will probably never see or talk to again. I think of how everyone has their own story. Some of the individual mentioned above, I do know their story and it isn't kind. Some, I will never know. The common denominator that they each have in common is they made a positive impact on my life. I think it takes great courage for people to wake up and face a new day. It takes real bravery to be a positive light in a world that seems to suck it out of you. So tonight, as I write this blog, I want to salute all you brave souls that are salt to a bland world. I salute you single mothers who struggle to pay the bills and keep the kids fed. You amaze me. I salute you individuals that have given up maybe your own dreams so that you can provide for your families. I salute you teachers who make an impact on the minds and the lives of our nations children. To the men who are present in their children’s lives. I salute you. To the people who wake up and are determined to face the new day with even an ounce of hope. You are special to me. You are courageous. I salute you brave souls.
I've met several people in my twenty seven years of life. I value the people I come in contact with. The contact could be brief. There are those who I met for a moment and their impact on me will last a lifetime. There are some that were in my life for a season and that season has come and gone. Yet, I will remember the mark they left on my life.
The first person outside of my family that I remember impacted me was an African American man that my father brought home to visit one afternoon. My father introduced him to me as his brother, and I will never forget the smile that was on this man's face. It was radiant, and in my child like mind, I truly believed that man was my father's brother. I must've been five or six at the time because my younger brother wasn't born yet. But the smile and the happiness that radiated from that man will never be forgotten.
My first grade teacher, Mrs. Debbie Jones, was a beautiful woman. Her parents owned a house beside ours on the lake, and I always felt a special connection with her. She was kind and made me feel important and cared for. I can't tell you exactly what it was that she did to make me love her so, but I did.
Mrs. Gwen was a lady that lived in a trailer behind mine when I first moved to Atmore, AL as a newlywed. I felt like I was living in the desert isolated from my friends and family. This woman took me in. She would stand on her front porch that faced my back porch and holler out in her true country fashion "Yoooohoooo, suppa's ready". I weighed more than I ever have in my life during my time in Atmore, but the presence of this woman in my life was worth every pound.
I had surgery not too long ago. As I was being prepped for surgery, the lady that was my nurse was sharing her love for her job and the opportunity God has given her to share His love. I didn't tell the woman I was a believer as well simply because I enjoyed hearing her share. I can't remember her name, but her face and her soft voice is ever present in my mind.
I met this man while traveling in ministry several years ago. We recently reconnected. He reminds me of the grumpy cat. He's not the most optimistic person ever. But he was a good friend to me in a time when I needed one. Even in his pessimistic moments, he finds beauty in the most precious of things. I would rather choose the word "realist" because in all honesty, he has a tremendously kind heart and I felt honored that I saw glimpses of it.
So many people I have met in passing. Seasons brought some to stay, but most of these people I will probably never see or talk to again. I think of how everyone has their own story. Some of the individual mentioned above, I do know their story and it isn't kind. Some, I will never know. The common denominator that they each have in common is they made a positive impact on my life. I think it takes great courage for people to wake up and face a new day. It takes real bravery to be a positive light in a world that seems to suck it out of you. So tonight, as I write this blog, I want to salute all you brave souls that are salt to a bland world. I salute you single mothers who struggle to pay the bills and keep the kids fed. You amaze me. I salute you individuals that have given up maybe your own dreams so that you can provide for your families. I salute you teachers who make an impact on the minds and the lives of our nations children. To the men who are present in their children’s lives. I salute you. To the people who wake up and are determined to face the new day with even an ounce of hope. You are special to me. You are courageous. I salute you brave souls.
Friday, February 21, 2014
The Aftermath
I am a pretty open book. I do not tend to shy away from honesty. Especially when it comes to my private life. As most of you who read my blogs know, I recently got a divorce in September. The emotional process after the divorce has been so different from what I mentally pictured it would be. In my mind, the moments leading up to the divorce, I just wanted it all over with. I thought the divorce would bring an end to the hurt my heart was feeling. Let me be clear in this...The hurt did not end. And in my hurt, here are a few things I have learned.
1. Losing a marriage is comparable to death. Except in a divorce, the person isn't gone. Their presence on this earth still leaves you with questions. Did I do everything I could to save my marriage? Am I a bad parent for going through this divorce? What did I do wrong in my marriage? What could/should I have done differently? Is there a possibility of reconciliation? Will my child resent me? These are feelings and thoughts that literally haunt my mind and trouble my heart, if not daily, at least a good few times a week. The absence of that spouse is ever present in your mind and in your life. I see it in my finances. I feel it in the stress of being a working mother and provider for my child. On days when I would have normally had my husband help with chores around the house, I now am the sole care taker/laundry folder/dinner making/bath giving/entertainer extraordinaire. I feel the loss of my husband every day in these tiny aspects of my daily life.
2. It is okay to grieve. In fact, YOU NEED TO. Grieving is a natural part of this process. I believe that in this modern time, people love and lose all too quickly and easily. I am very different from that. I love hard. I pledged my forever to a man and now that forever is no longer there. Many will offer you their advice and sweet concerns. Words such as "You deserved better" or "Someone is going to come along and treat you better" are phrases that people say with good intentions, but it doesn't really heal that wound. I don't care how horrible a spouse was to you, those words do not help. There are times when my throat and heart feel as if they are sitting at the pit of my stomach. The weight of it feels heavy and makes it hard to breathe. These feelings are very normal although they are a horrible emotion for a human to feel. Allow yourself to feel this. You lost your forever. If you can honestly say that you did not grieve or feel bad after a relationship has met its end, then I do not believe your heart was in that relationship.
3. It is going to take time. Some days, I feel fine. Then there are days when I feel the remorse and the overwhelming feeling of loss all over again. Grieving is a process. Let it happen.
4. Self-care. It is important to take care of yourself during this time. I don't mean go on shopping sprees. If you have or are experiencing a divorce, you know we ain't got that money...hehehe. What I do mean is do little things that bring you joy. Turn the music up loud and dance if that is what comforts you. Take a few extra minutes in your morning and make yourself that cup of coffee you always forget to do. Rock your son to sleep, and when he falls asleep, keep rocking him. I found that when I got a divorce, I threw myself into a robotic routine. In order to numb out the pain, I kept myself busy. I realized one day while rocking my son to sleep that I was watching and waiting for the clock to hit at exactly 8:00pm so I could put him in his crib and start on my school work. I realized how sad it was that I was defining my life through silly robotic routines. I made a vow then and there to take the extra time to rock him; even it means he is passed out with drool dripping down my numb arm. These are the things that bring me joy. What brings you joy? Allow yourself time to do and experience them. Bask in it. Taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to feel moments of happiness and pure joy is so important during this grieving process. **Side note. As long as these things are healthy and are not physically or emotionally harmful to you or anyone else.
5. You do not owe anybody an answer. I started seeing a counselor after my divorce. One of the repetitive things that kept creeping up is my fear of having to owe people an answer. This might not be something you experienced, but for me, I felt that people expected something from me that I could not offer. The advice my counselor gave was this: Set out whatever amount of time that you would like and tell yourself and everyone else involved that you will not be making any life changing decisions in this allotted amount of time. This was huge for me. It was a moment that I realized I did not owe anybody anything. The person I answer to is myself (and my son). At the end of the day, your focus should be on you and what it takes to get through this valley. Because that is what this is. It is a valley. But valleys can be a great adventure as well.
6. Don't be stupid. Let's be honest. I've made several stupid decisions since my divorce in a poor attempt to feel whole or empowered again. I spent money on credit cards that were already close to being maxxed out. I tried the bar/dating scene. These characteristics just are not me. I am deep down a girl who likes to be at home surrounded by people I love, in my pajamas, with a glass of wine and or coffee in hand(don't judge me), watching a good movie. Continue to be yourself. Trying to fill a void is just what it is. It is an attempt to fit something into a spot where it doesn't belong. Now don't get me wrong. I enjoy my time with a girlfriend eating good food and having a good margarita. But the excess of any of that is just not who I am. If it doesn't feel natural or right, then it isn't. Walk away. Anyone who doesn't support you in this is just not good for you and you should not walk, but run from them.
7. Pull the wise close. When I went through my divorce, it was the first time in my life that I had ever felt that God did not love/care about me. I pushed God and anything that seemed wise away. It hurt too much for me. I had begged God to restore my marriage and family and it didn't happen. With that said, I just did not want to hear reason. Everything that made sense to me before was suddenly challenged. I went to church only to keep some kind of conviction in my life. I was scared that if I didn't, my heart would become completely hard. I am glad that I made this decision. In the midst of my storm, God was still speaking through the only outlet I would give Him. I just joined a small group at church. It was the best decision I made. My heart still hurts and the bars camped up around it is still sealed tight. But I feel a softening coming. Allow wisdom in your life. Don't just hear it. Listen. Allow wisdom to sink in your heart and direct your path. As hard as it is to believe it, God still has a plan in all of this. I am literally telling myself this everyday...my mind knows it; my heart just doesn't feel it. That's okay. It will come. The willingness to be open to it is a start in the right direction.
8. You are not ready to give yourself away. Just stop trying. This is a hard pill for me to swallow. In my marriage, my spouse had a hard time allowing me to show them love. My thoughts were this "If I could just find someone that will love me and allow me to love them back, I will be okay". WRONG. I'm not ready. You aren't ready. Even if I were to reconcile with my ex-husband, the time right now is not right. The grieving process is still taking place. It is so important that you allow yourself to grieve. Feel everything it has. With that said, you cannot grieve the loss of your marriage and be whole enough to give yourself away to a new person. It is unfair to you and that person to pretend to do so. I'm not saying don't date or have a good time with friends. Dating is fine. It's good to have a reason to get dressed up and have a good dinner. But be clear and honest about your intentions.
9. Allow yourself time to cry. My time is in the car when my son is not in there with me. It is also at night when I'm alone. After the crying is done, pick yourself up and get on with your day. Crying is not weak. However, it is also not appropriate at certain times. I started crying on the way home one day and my son was in the back seat of the car. I was lost in my emotions and then I heard my son start to cry. He was crying because I was. That was when I realized that I need to take my crying self somewhere else. There is a time and a place for your tears. It is okay to cry, but at the right time and place.
10. This is not about them. It's about you. I have heard people try to self-motivate themselves during their divorce by focusing on the flaws of their spouse. "You're better off anyways" "They don't deserve you". Blah blah blah blah blah. Stop it. Just stop it. You are divorced. This is not about them anymore. It is about you. Focus on yourself. What can you change? How can you be a better person/parent/coworker/friend? Concentrating on the flaws of someone else is a weak attempt at trying to feel better. Be strong enough to admit that you have crap you need to deal with and then DEAL WITH IT.
Listen, I do not have it together. I am learning. A few months ago, I was driving in downtown Birmingham. As I came to a stoplight, I noticed what I assumed to be a mother and her son who appeared to be around the age of 10 or 11. The first thing I did was look at her hand. There was no ring on it. I watched these two walk across the street together. They were holding hands and to my surprise, laughing. I do not know their story. I didn't get out of my car or yell out at the woman from my car window to ask them. What I do know is there wasn't a father walking with them or a ring on her hand. I felt God saying to my spirit, "You will laugh again". As I said, this was a few months ago, and I still have my days where life seems like it is in complete and utter shambles. But I think about that mother and son and deep down, I know things will be okay. If you are like me and you believe in love, then you have this deep desire to feel it again. Let me tell you this...You can't love out of a heart that is broken and insecure. No man (or woman) wants to be with someone who needs them to fill a void. God did not create a spouse to fill a void that only He Himself can fill. A spouse is supposed to compliment you, not complete you. Don't put that expectation on yourself or on someone else. Allow yourself time to heal. Joy will come. The laughter will come. The pain will subside. It's got to. Life has its troubles, but in the words of the infamous rock band, Poison, "Every night has its dawn". And like a true southern belle, let me leave you with the words of both Scarlett O'Hara from Gone with the Wind and Claire Belcher from Steele Magnolias.
“After all, tomorrow is another day!” ― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind
That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." - This line by Claire Belcher
1. Losing a marriage is comparable to death. Except in a divorce, the person isn't gone. Their presence on this earth still leaves you with questions. Did I do everything I could to save my marriage? Am I a bad parent for going through this divorce? What did I do wrong in my marriage? What could/should I have done differently? Is there a possibility of reconciliation? Will my child resent me? These are feelings and thoughts that literally haunt my mind and trouble my heart, if not daily, at least a good few times a week. The absence of that spouse is ever present in your mind and in your life. I see it in my finances. I feel it in the stress of being a working mother and provider for my child. On days when I would have normally had my husband help with chores around the house, I now am the sole care taker/laundry folder/dinner making/bath giving/entertainer extraordinaire. I feel the loss of my husband every day in these tiny aspects of my daily life.
2. It is okay to grieve. In fact, YOU NEED TO. Grieving is a natural part of this process. I believe that in this modern time, people love and lose all too quickly and easily. I am very different from that. I love hard. I pledged my forever to a man and now that forever is no longer there. Many will offer you their advice and sweet concerns. Words such as "You deserved better" or "Someone is going to come along and treat you better" are phrases that people say with good intentions, but it doesn't really heal that wound. I don't care how horrible a spouse was to you, those words do not help. There are times when my throat and heart feel as if they are sitting at the pit of my stomach. The weight of it feels heavy and makes it hard to breathe. These feelings are very normal although they are a horrible emotion for a human to feel. Allow yourself to feel this. You lost your forever. If you can honestly say that you did not grieve or feel bad after a relationship has met its end, then I do not believe your heart was in that relationship.
3. It is going to take time. Some days, I feel fine. Then there are days when I feel the remorse and the overwhelming feeling of loss all over again. Grieving is a process. Let it happen.
4. Self-care. It is important to take care of yourself during this time. I don't mean go on shopping sprees. If you have or are experiencing a divorce, you know we ain't got that money...hehehe. What I do mean is do little things that bring you joy. Turn the music up loud and dance if that is what comforts you. Take a few extra minutes in your morning and make yourself that cup of coffee you always forget to do. Rock your son to sleep, and when he falls asleep, keep rocking him. I found that when I got a divorce, I threw myself into a robotic routine. In order to numb out the pain, I kept myself busy. I realized one day while rocking my son to sleep that I was watching and waiting for the clock to hit at exactly 8:00pm so I could put him in his crib and start on my school work. I realized how sad it was that I was defining my life through silly robotic routines. I made a vow then and there to take the extra time to rock him; even it means he is passed out with drool dripping down my numb arm. These are the things that bring me joy. What brings you joy? Allow yourself time to do and experience them. Bask in it. Taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to feel moments of happiness and pure joy is so important during this grieving process. **Side note. As long as these things are healthy and are not physically or emotionally harmful to you or anyone else.
5. You do not owe anybody an answer. I started seeing a counselor after my divorce. One of the repetitive things that kept creeping up is my fear of having to owe people an answer. This might not be something you experienced, but for me, I felt that people expected something from me that I could not offer. The advice my counselor gave was this: Set out whatever amount of time that you would like and tell yourself and everyone else involved that you will not be making any life changing decisions in this allotted amount of time. This was huge for me. It was a moment that I realized I did not owe anybody anything. The person I answer to is myself (and my son). At the end of the day, your focus should be on you and what it takes to get through this valley. Because that is what this is. It is a valley. But valleys can be a great adventure as well.
6. Don't be stupid. Let's be honest. I've made several stupid decisions since my divorce in a poor attempt to feel whole or empowered again. I spent money on credit cards that were already close to being maxxed out. I tried the bar/dating scene. These characteristics just are not me. I am deep down a girl who likes to be at home surrounded by people I love, in my pajamas, with a glass of wine and or coffee in hand(don't judge me), watching a good movie. Continue to be yourself. Trying to fill a void is just what it is. It is an attempt to fit something into a spot where it doesn't belong. Now don't get me wrong. I enjoy my time with a girlfriend eating good food and having a good margarita. But the excess of any of that is just not who I am. If it doesn't feel natural or right, then it isn't. Walk away. Anyone who doesn't support you in this is just not good for you and you should not walk, but run from them.
7. Pull the wise close. When I went through my divorce, it was the first time in my life that I had ever felt that God did not love/care about me. I pushed God and anything that seemed wise away. It hurt too much for me. I had begged God to restore my marriage and family and it didn't happen. With that said, I just did not want to hear reason. Everything that made sense to me before was suddenly challenged. I went to church only to keep some kind of conviction in my life. I was scared that if I didn't, my heart would become completely hard. I am glad that I made this decision. In the midst of my storm, God was still speaking through the only outlet I would give Him. I just joined a small group at church. It was the best decision I made. My heart still hurts and the bars camped up around it is still sealed tight. But I feel a softening coming. Allow wisdom in your life. Don't just hear it. Listen. Allow wisdom to sink in your heart and direct your path. As hard as it is to believe it, God still has a plan in all of this. I am literally telling myself this everyday...my mind knows it; my heart just doesn't feel it. That's okay. It will come. The willingness to be open to it is a start in the right direction.
8. You are not ready to give yourself away. Just stop trying. This is a hard pill for me to swallow. In my marriage, my spouse had a hard time allowing me to show them love. My thoughts were this "If I could just find someone that will love me and allow me to love them back, I will be okay". WRONG. I'm not ready. You aren't ready. Even if I were to reconcile with my ex-husband, the time right now is not right. The grieving process is still taking place. It is so important that you allow yourself to grieve. Feel everything it has. With that said, you cannot grieve the loss of your marriage and be whole enough to give yourself away to a new person. It is unfair to you and that person to pretend to do so. I'm not saying don't date or have a good time with friends. Dating is fine. It's good to have a reason to get dressed up and have a good dinner. But be clear and honest about your intentions.
9. Allow yourself time to cry. My time is in the car when my son is not in there with me. It is also at night when I'm alone. After the crying is done, pick yourself up and get on with your day. Crying is not weak. However, it is also not appropriate at certain times. I started crying on the way home one day and my son was in the back seat of the car. I was lost in my emotions and then I heard my son start to cry. He was crying because I was. That was when I realized that I need to take my crying self somewhere else. There is a time and a place for your tears. It is okay to cry, but at the right time and place.
10. This is not about them. It's about you. I have heard people try to self-motivate themselves during their divorce by focusing on the flaws of their spouse. "You're better off anyways" "They don't deserve you". Blah blah blah blah blah. Stop it. Just stop it. You are divorced. This is not about them anymore. It is about you. Focus on yourself. What can you change? How can you be a better person/parent/coworker/friend? Concentrating on the flaws of someone else is a weak attempt at trying to feel better. Be strong enough to admit that you have crap you need to deal with and then DEAL WITH IT.
Listen, I do not have it together. I am learning. A few months ago, I was driving in downtown Birmingham. As I came to a stoplight, I noticed what I assumed to be a mother and her son who appeared to be around the age of 10 or 11. The first thing I did was look at her hand. There was no ring on it. I watched these two walk across the street together. They were holding hands and to my surprise, laughing. I do not know their story. I didn't get out of my car or yell out at the woman from my car window to ask them. What I do know is there wasn't a father walking with them or a ring on her hand. I felt God saying to my spirit, "You will laugh again". As I said, this was a few months ago, and I still have my days where life seems like it is in complete and utter shambles. But I think about that mother and son and deep down, I know things will be okay. If you are like me and you believe in love, then you have this deep desire to feel it again. Let me tell you this...You can't love out of a heart that is broken and insecure. No man (or woman) wants to be with someone who needs them to fill a void. God did not create a spouse to fill a void that only He Himself can fill. A spouse is supposed to compliment you, not complete you. Don't put that expectation on yourself or on someone else. Allow yourself time to heal. Joy will come. The laughter will come. The pain will subside. It's got to. Life has its troubles, but in the words of the infamous rock band, Poison, "Every night has its dawn". And like a true southern belle, let me leave you with the words of both Scarlett O'Hara from Gone with the Wind and Claire Belcher from Steele Magnolias.
“After all, tomorrow is another day!” ― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind
That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." - This line by Claire Belcher
Hold Me Near
This song speaks my heart
Hold me near, when I am restless.
Hold me near, when I am bitter.
Hold me near, when I'm rebellious.
Hold me near until the end.
Hold me near, when my heart is broken.
Hold me near, when I'm ignorant.
Hold me near, when I am jealous.
Hold me near until the end.
But as for me, my feet almost gave up, I nearly sold my heart.
It's good to be held by my father, its good to be where You are.
Hold me near, when I am restless.
Hold me near, when I am bitter.
Hold me near, when I'm rebellious.
Hold me near until the end.
Hold me near, when my heart is broken.
Hold me near, when I'm ignorant.
Hold me near, when I am jealous.
Hold me near until the end.
But as for me, my feet almost gave up, I nearly sold my heart.
It's good to be held by my father, its good to be where You are.
Monday, October 14, 2013
The Martha Complex
I dropped Aiden off this morning, him crying. I walked as fast I could to my car, opened the driver's side door, plopped myself in, slammed the door shut...all before the tears could come rushing down my face. I had done everything I could to get him to school on time. I woke up early and got myself ready so by the time he woke up I would be able to spend it with him. In fact, I had to wake him up this morning which is awfully unusual being that he has an internal alarm clock that wakes him up at 5:00 on the dot every morning. But not this morning. I went in his room around 6:15 and gently tried to get him to wake up. We went downstairs, Henry Hugglemonster already on the television, and sat with his sippy cup full of milk and his hands and mouth full of blueberry muffins. I don't get much time with him so I try to make the most of the time I do have. I had him dressed and ready by 7:00. We should have walked out of the door then. But I couldn't find my car keys. Of course. I am the most absent minded person you could ever meet. I started to mentally beat myself up about it. How in the world could you lose your keys? You had everything else set out and ready to go. Of course you'd screw something up. I dug through the trash can first convinced I had thrown them away in one of my moments of absent mindedness. Nope. Searched the entire trash can. Nothing. Nada. So I ran upstairs, heels and all. I looked in my bathroom, in my closet, in Aiden's room. Finally, I looked on the night stand by my bed, and there they were. Sitting in a logical place. The very last place I would've looked. By the time I walked out of the house, crying baby in tow, it was 7:15 which meant I was gonna be caught in the Birmingham traffic. Great. I screwed my morning up already.
So I sat in the parking lot of my son's daycare, and I cried. It didn't matter because I was already going to be late. What I really wanted to do was throw myself onto the ground and pull out one of Aiden's fits. Kicking and screaming, I wanted to cry "Why me, this isn't fair". Being a mom in and of itself is a hard job. I have been a stay at home mother and I have experienced life as a mother with a husband/partner that could help and share in all the tasks. But being a single mom, well...it sucks. There really isn't a nice way to put it. There isn't family close to me to help with the extra stuff that has to get done. There isn't a husband that can entertain my son while I cook him dinner. I do it all. And it's exhausting. I try really hard to get all my ducks in a row. My time with Aiden is limited now that I work, so I make an extra effort to take advantage of the time that I do have with him. When he is sleeping is the time that I clean, shower, do laundry, finish school work, watch tv, etc. But there always seems to be a kink in the hose. And to be quite honest, it is frustrating.
When I finally gathered myself together, put my car in reverse, and backed out of my parking spot to continue on towards work, I found myself asking God, "remind me today that you have already overcome the world". This life is a struggle. I often wonder where the joy has gone. How do I conquer this boy that you have given me, God? How do I meet his needs, and my needs, and your needs...how do I do it all? "Take heart", He says. "I've overcome the world", He says. "When, God because I feel a little overcome right now". I know God probably laughs at me. These things are so trivial and fleeting and in comparison with some...they really aren't that important. But they overwhelm me. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, but sometimes, I feel alone in it.
I think about Mary and Martha when Jesus came to visit. The book of Luke, chapter 10 tells a story about how Martha had opened her home for Jesus and His disciples to visit. Martha was so distracted and busy with all the "stuff" that she needed to get done and noticed that her sister, Martha, was sitting at the feet of Jesus instead of helping her. Now, I can relate with Martha. What the heck did Martha think she was doing? We don't have time to sit. THINGS HAVE GOT TO BE DONE!!!! But Martha, she just sat there at the feet of Jesus. The story tells of how Martha asked Jesus, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me". "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” DANGIT...we might as well insert my name into His text. "Erica, Erica. You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is really needed. Sit at my feet and rest a little". If I were being honest with you, I spend very little time sitting at the feet of Jesus. I want to, but when do I fit it in? At 4:00 am before Aiden wakes up? At night when I'm already half asleep and have tons of school work waiting on me? There has been a lot of change going on in my life, and I am trying to find a new normal. The balance is hard, and I know I have left out the most important thing. Jesus. And honestly, it seems like making time for Him is just adding another "task" to my list of things "to do".
Now...don't you judge me. I know you have been there too. So how do we fix this? My pastor has often taught that serving Jesus is not a "got to" but an "I get to" thing. When our hearts are right, making time for Him is not a task. It's an honor. So that's what it has come to, guys. Getting back to the basics. Counting it joy to spend time with my Father, even if it means the dishes don't get done or my show doesn't get watched. Oh Martha, I feel your pain. Who else is going to get that boy bathed and dressed? But Mary...she got it right. The Father is here now. Let's spend time with Him. He is what is ultimately important. Everything else will fall in line. To you tired mothers. I got you. I'm there in the struggle with you. We are going to make it. Our Father sees us. He hasn't forgotten. Let's just take some time out...reaccess with our Daddy God. It's that important and vital to our making it to the next day with a sane mind. Take heart, my dear friends. Daddy God has got this!!
So I sat in the parking lot of my son's daycare, and I cried. It didn't matter because I was already going to be late. What I really wanted to do was throw myself onto the ground and pull out one of Aiden's fits. Kicking and screaming, I wanted to cry "Why me, this isn't fair". Being a mom in and of itself is a hard job. I have been a stay at home mother and I have experienced life as a mother with a husband/partner that could help and share in all the tasks. But being a single mom, well...it sucks. There really isn't a nice way to put it. There isn't family close to me to help with the extra stuff that has to get done. There isn't a husband that can entertain my son while I cook him dinner. I do it all. And it's exhausting. I try really hard to get all my ducks in a row. My time with Aiden is limited now that I work, so I make an extra effort to take advantage of the time that I do have with him. When he is sleeping is the time that I clean, shower, do laundry, finish school work, watch tv, etc. But there always seems to be a kink in the hose. And to be quite honest, it is frustrating.
When I finally gathered myself together, put my car in reverse, and backed out of my parking spot to continue on towards work, I found myself asking God, "remind me today that you have already overcome the world". This life is a struggle. I often wonder where the joy has gone. How do I conquer this boy that you have given me, God? How do I meet his needs, and my needs, and your needs...how do I do it all? "Take heart", He says. "I've overcome the world", He says. "When, God because I feel a little overcome right now". I know God probably laughs at me. These things are so trivial and fleeting and in comparison with some...they really aren't that important. But they overwhelm me. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, but sometimes, I feel alone in it.
I think about Mary and Martha when Jesus came to visit. The book of Luke, chapter 10 tells a story about how Martha had opened her home for Jesus and His disciples to visit. Martha was so distracted and busy with all the "stuff" that she needed to get done and noticed that her sister, Martha, was sitting at the feet of Jesus instead of helping her. Now, I can relate with Martha. What the heck did Martha think she was doing? We don't have time to sit. THINGS HAVE GOT TO BE DONE!!!! But Martha, she just sat there at the feet of Jesus. The story tells of how Martha asked Jesus, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me". "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” DANGIT...we might as well insert my name into His text. "Erica, Erica. You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is really needed. Sit at my feet and rest a little". If I were being honest with you, I spend very little time sitting at the feet of Jesus. I want to, but when do I fit it in? At 4:00 am before Aiden wakes up? At night when I'm already half asleep and have tons of school work waiting on me? There has been a lot of change going on in my life, and I am trying to find a new normal. The balance is hard, and I know I have left out the most important thing. Jesus. And honestly, it seems like making time for Him is just adding another "task" to my list of things "to do".
Now...don't you judge me. I know you have been there too. So how do we fix this? My pastor has often taught that serving Jesus is not a "got to" but an "I get to" thing. When our hearts are right, making time for Him is not a task. It's an honor. So that's what it has come to, guys. Getting back to the basics. Counting it joy to spend time with my Father, even if it means the dishes don't get done or my show doesn't get watched. Oh Martha, I feel your pain. Who else is going to get that boy bathed and dressed? But Mary...she got it right. The Father is here now. Let's spend time with Him. He is what is ultimately important. Everything else will fall in line. To you tired mothers. I got you. I'm there in the struggle with you. We are going to make it. Our Father sees us. He hasn't forgotten. Let's just take some time out...reaccess with our Daddy God. It's that important and vital to our making it to the next day with a sane mind. Take heart, my dear friends. Daddy God has got this!!
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