God Knows

Tonight as I was sitting in my rocking chair with my newborn baby son I began to rub the tiny hairs on his head ever so softly. Back and forth as I rocked and rubbed my sons head, I realized he had more hair than I had thought. His hair is so blonde it is hard to notice how much hair he actually has. With this realization I thought, "my God knows the exact number of hairs on his head". The knowledge and comfort of this truth was so overwhelming I began to cry. **Cry: verb, something that occurs constantly after birthing a child**. Being a new mom is so scary and exciting and overwhelming all at once. I am pretty sure I will be blogging more because of motherhood. Each moment spent is suddenly important. I don't want to miss out on anything. I want to capture it all. Aiden will be a week old tomorrow and he already lifts his head and today I caught him trying to roll over. He's already growing way to fast. Each experience is new and no matter how much I don't know, my God knows. And well...that makes me happy:)

Joys of Pregnancy

Last weekend, my mother slyly mentioned to my best friend that I don't blog enough. Since then, I have tried to think of interesting details of my life that I could write down and others would want to read. At the moment, I am 30 weeks pregnant!!! Yes!! I am a walking baby whale. Thanks to my mother and the thousands of maternity items she purchased for me this past weekend, I can now attempt to decorate this large, round, body of mine and be comfortable at the same time. At thirty weeks pregnant, I can pretty much write a book on all the things that people DO NOT tell you about pregnancy. I wear heels now just because I am convinced that if I am taller, I won't be compared to an "Oompa Loompa" from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. However, there is a price that comes with wearing heels. When a pregnant person is on their feet all day like I am, they are already causing their legs to swell and their muscles to tighten. When you add heels to the equation, the muscles are now angled and tightened even more. This causes me to wake up at strange hours of the night screaming because my calf muscle has just tightened into a "Charlie Horse". My poor husband. He has literally jumped straight out of bed thinking that I was dying. Just the other night, I stayed with a friend, and the same thing happened. I woke up out of a dead sleep in the worst kind of pain coming from my leg. This poor girl thought I was having contractions and was about to give birth!!! Oh the joys of pregnancy.

Now that I am round, sleeping is a problem as well. You see...I have this active little man inside of me, and it does not matter what side I lay on, he is going to kick that side until I move to a different position. He must get this stubbornness from his father, because I would never ;) It is because of this that I now wake up to find the horrendous dark objects underneath my eyelids. No sleep equals dark circles underneath the eye. It's not a pretty sight when I am not wearing make-up.

There are many other non-beautiful things that are happening right now due to being pregnant, but I will choose not to share them on a public website. Instead, I will tell you the beautiful side to having swollen feet and hands, a large belly comparable to Santa, and eyes that look like you lost a fight with Rocky Balboa. I will be having me an active man. He literally moves non-stop. And he is SO big. He doesn't have much room to move around, but he could care less. This baby swims all around my belly. If you want free entertainment, you can take a seat and literally watch my belly move from the top to the bottom and over to the sides. I have heard that not all babies are like this when they are in the womb. I could not imagine Aiden not being so active. It makes me happy to feel him kicking and moving (well...except when I'm trying to sleep). The other night, my husband came home from work and we were both getting ready for bed. I crawled into bed and he had a lamp on so he could read his book. As he laid there, I just sat in the bed staring at this man that I married. All I could think was "How did I get so lucky". My husband is not a man of emotions, so I will ask him on occasion why he chose me, or why does he love me. This was exactly what I did at that moment. While staring at Brett, he looked up and gave me the sweetest smile that melted my heart. I then asked him, "Why do you love me". His answer is one that I will never forget. He replied, "Today, I was praying for Aiden, and I asked that God would give him your heart and your personality and your love for people". Brett could have just said, "You have a great heart, and I like your personality and admire your love for people", but instead, he prayed that God would give those traits to our son. This is the sweetest part about having a baby. Sharing a love with someone that will soon be in a human form. I can't wait to meet our baby son. I can't wait to see how he reminds me of the man I married. I can't wait to hold him and know that he is a product of such sweet love. *sigh* I'm getting carried away. That's all I will share for now. I can't have people thinking I am that crazy over my husband ;) In conclusion to this random blog...I am not the biggest fan of the whole 9 month pregnancy thing. I miss my body, and I miss being able to pick things up or move a chair without people freaking out. I miss wearing heels and not having to worry about if I'm going to get a visit from Mr. Charlie Horse. BUT...I do love that this being inside of me is a little piece of my husband. I love to feel him move. I like being able to sit and talk to him while alone on the couch. I like that when I play classical music (or any kind of music), he turns and turns as if he were dancing. I like that already, there are so many people praying for this little man. And finally, I am comforted in the fact that in Jeremiah 1:5, God's promise to Aiden is this, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; before you were born I set you apart".

Once in a while...

I have found a new obsession with a website called Pinterest.  It's a website where you can pin pictures of things that you are interested in (hence the name "pin-terest").  I was looking at pictures for home decor when I ran across a picture of an old window that had been redecorated and hung.  Inside the glass portion of the window read this quote "Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale".  Coincidentally, one of the last blogs I wrote was on the topic of fairytales.  I could not have found this quote to be more appropriate for my life at the moment. 

While typing this blog, I am currently six months pregnant and beginning a transition in my life that was not planned or expected.  In the past year or so, my life has been full of transitions, whether it was physically, spiritually, or emotionally.  When I found out that I was pregnant, I was completely shocked.  Brett and I had not been planning, and if I were to plan a pregnancy, it would not have been at this time.  When I first learned I was pregnant, I did a lot of soul searching and praying.  This led me to a thought.  I'm about to give life to another.  Even though I did not plan to do this, a baby in my womb is a result of the love between my husband and I.  I then began to think of God and how Jesus was a result of His love for us.  Of course, I have always known that God gave His only son so that we may have life.  John 3:16 was one of the first verses I had ever memorized.  However, the depth of this truth took on a whole new meaning when relating it to myself.  What can be more powerful than a love that creates life?  This thought was the turning point of my mindset in this pregnancy.  I was no longer upset that my plans were now out of place.  I suddenly adored the tiny life that was being molded inside of me because it was a result of a love that I possess. 

Brett and I just celebrated our four year wedding anniversary.  In my prayers the morning of our anniversary, I was reflecting on all the things we have been through together.  I reached an epiphany.  Four years ago, I started marriage hoping for a magical fairy tale. I have found that the only magical aspect of marriage between two very flawed individuals is the essence of a very holy God and the beauty of His love that binds us together.  I am so grateful for the life that God has given me and the plans that He has towards me.  I could not ask for a better husband.  In everything that we have been through throughout our years together, he has shown me a love that demonstrates God's love for me.  He is forgiving, kind, patient, and gentle.  He is charming and handsome.  He loves me in spite of my flaws and he hopes for me.  In three more months, I will give birth to a son who will bare my husband's last name.  Barron.  It means young warrior.  We are naming him Aiden Hugh.  My prayer for Aiden is that he will be like David in the bible, a man after God's own heart.  I imagine him wild with ambition and passion just like David.  I hope that he learns forgiveness and grace just as David did.  I pray he grows to learn that life is a beautiful gift born out of a love that should be given away and shared with others.  And as his mother, I pray that I portray God's genuine love in each moment that we share together as a family.  Wow...what a wonderful change to my life plans. 

In reflection of my life, I can honestly say that "Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale".  Thank you, Father, for your powerful love that creates life and writes our fairytales!!

Two Months Later

I must first begin writing this blog by admitting that I am officially the worst blogger ever.  It has been months since my last post and I have no excuses.  A lot has happened since then.  My birthday is coming up and I will soon be a quarter of a century old.  Please imagine me letting out a big sigh.  Twenty four has been the most overwhelming, emotional, heart wrenching year I think I've ever faced.  Ha.  I say that now because I'm still twenty four.  I'm pretty sure I've been through more trying times....but geez...this has surely been a year.

Five weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant.  The night I found out, I had attended a birthday dinner with my friends Daniel and Brent for Brent's birthday.  We had dinner at Stix and had planned to leave there and go back to their apartment.  Before we left, I read my fortune cookie as usual.  When I was younger, we would always add "on the toilet"  or "in the bed" after whatever phrase the fortune cookie said.  So, as usual, I just wanted to see how funny my fortune cookie would be with the addition of one of these phrases.  I cracked the cookie open and there read the phrase "You are about to add more femininity into your life".  I immediately laughed and joked to Daniel, "This must have been yours because I'm as feminine as it gets".  I wish I would have kept the paper because little did I know that I would soon find out I was pregnant.  We then left the restaurant and headed over to their house.  As soon as I got there, I needed to use the restroom.  I had taken a pregnancy test at their house before and left the other test there underneath their cabinet.  So as I go into the restroom, I get the bright idea to tinkle on the other stick just because.  My husband and I were not trying, so I knew that the test would be negative and I could just throw it away.  There was no way I could be pregnant.  Mmmk....so the test came up with a bright pink plus sign.  I immediately had a legit panic attack.  To avoid all the painful hours to follow, I will just spare you the details and let you know that after five more pregnancy tests, it was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant.

This brings me to today...ten weeks and a day later.  I cannot begin to describe all of the emotions that have occurred since the night I first found out about my pregnancy.  I can tell you that I have never been the girl who dreamed about a family.  I am not against family or kids; I guess I just never thought about it.  If I dreamed about anything it was marriage and love.  I'm a sappy kind of girl, and I it just never occurred to me that babies were the natural next step.  When I told my husband, he was super excited.  Bless his heart, he's wanted to get me pregnant since the day we said "I do"...no joke!!

 I have nine months to let my mind wrap around the fact that sometime soon, there is going to be a child that is going to call me "mommy" and is going to depend on me.  However, as of right now, these thoughts are a little overwhelming.  Every day, I have new fears and questions.  If you know me well, you know that I am a planner.  Having a baby at 25 was not a plan of mine.  Needless to say, I have to readjust my plans.  There are many things that I do not know about being a mother, but I do know this one thing...I want to be a good mother.  I've had my selfish moments, and I've lived a very full life to be just twenty four.  For this I am grateful.  However, when the baby gets here...I don't want to be the same person then that I am today.  I mentioned earlier that I never considered being a mother before, but when the thought did cross my mind...I knew that I would want to be good at it one day.  But goodness...that is as far as my thought process went.  Now that this pregnancy is real, I know that wanting to be a good mother and being a good mother are two different things.  Luckily, I've had both.  I had a mother who only held the title of mother because she gave birth to me.  I also have a mother that has been the word in every form and fashion.  I have also been blessed to have many women in my life that have been a motherly figure in some kind of way.  At this moment, I am picking my brain apart.  I want to be like this, I want to do this, I don't want to do that, Can I be this...and most importantly...Can I do this.   This morning, I was thinking about a friend of mine and how sad I felt that he didn't have the greatest parents.  This thought crossed my mind "Too bad you can't choose your parents".  As soon as I had this thought, I almost had to pull my car over (obviously, I was driving).  I don't want my child to go without, or to grow up with a mother who put herself before her own child.  Again...please imagine me letting out a big ol' sigh.  I do have nine months to prepare and throughout this nine months, my heart is open and my prayer is that God will mold me.  Believe me, I need to be molded ;)

So that's my rant after not posting a blog for months:)  I'm pregnant, I'm hormonal, and I'm about to be twenty five.  Life is good…crazy…but wonderful.  When I get too overwhelmed, I find comfort in knowing that God still has a plan.  Thankfully He does, because my plans are needing a little readjustment;) 

Fairytales

I was seventeen and drunk on life, dreams, and the excitement of love.  My mind was never here on earth.  Neither was my heart.  I was constantly dreaming.  You could find me on the corner of cloud nine and heaven.  I remember my first year being away from my family.  I was outside of my dorms talking to my daddy on the phone.  I'm not exactly sure what our conversation consist of, but I know it was on the topic of love.  If you know me, you know that I share every emotion, concerns, and details of my life with my daddy.  This day was one of those days where the conversation went deep.  Again, I'm not sure what exactly was said by me, but I must have been hanging out in the clouds because the statement my father made brought me down to reality real quick.  This statement will ring in my heart till the day I pass.  This is what he said, "Erica, you are just in love with the idea of being in love".  Hmmm....I have never been told that before, nor have I ever heard it been said.  My daddy had a point.  I had experienced love at this point in my life, but it was never what I truly imagined it to be.  I had always held out hope for the fairytale kind of life with a love that sustained me and made me float above ground.  But did that kind of love and life really exist?  Had I been fooled by Cinderella?  Was there really a prince charming and a castle?  Was it love that I was after, or just the idea of it?

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and without meaning to, I blurted out "I no longer believe in fairy tales" and without my consent, tears just began to stream down my face as the confession suddenly became a harsh truth.  It was as if the words left my mouth and slapped me in the face and made me realize the cold hard reality of it all.  Fairy tales do not exist.  Being good is no longer good enough.  Giving your all sometimes doesn't cut it, and loving with all you have might not be adequate for the given situation.  So I am faced with this question, "Is it worth it".  This heart of mine is too fragile to continue to hold out for hope that is not there.  Life has run it's course at full speed ahead and without asking permission, stole the joy and excitement right out of me.  Sometimes, I feel as if I'm as cold as a rock.  I have felt this way once before in my life.  I was in ninth grade, and I remember being at the alter pleading to God that he would make my heart warm again.  It was a long process, and that prayer had been prayed many times over before I felt life come back to me.  I do not enjoy this feeling because I become so numb to my emotions.  So what do I do in this situation??  I look for inspiration.  I read my Bible, I look up quotes, I cling to people who can give me wise counsel.  Today, I thought back to one of my favorite quotes by none other than Sylvester Stallone in the lastest Rocky Balboa movie.

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.
You, me, or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life.

But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward.
How much you can take and keep moving forward.
That’s how winning is done ! Now if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth.
But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers,
saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody ! Cowards do that, and that ain’t you!”.

WOW!!  I felt like Mr. Balboa was talking straight to me!!  So...I write all this to say...Maybe fairy tales don't exist.  Maybe I followed the idea of love to the point that I fell right off the edge of a cliff.   But...in all this...life is still good.  God is still God.  I am forgiven, and there is still hope.  If you're reading this and you have been discouraged such as I, please know that there is still fight in you.  Yeah...life sucks.  It isn't fair at times, and it sometimes kicks the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks out of us, but in the words of Rocky Balboa, "It ain't about how hard ya hit.  It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward.  That's how winning is done" 

Like a Child

Today, I found myself thinking of me when I was younger.  When I say young, I mean teenager.  I was foolish, silly, and made mistakes often.  However, if there is one noble thing I could say for myself at that age, it would be that I truly longed for more of God and less of me.  At that time, I knew of nothing else.  I wanted nothing more.  Now that I'm older  (and much much wiser..hahaha), I look back, and sadly enough, I am no longer that same person.   Of course, with this realization comes the natural question..."What happened".  I would like to answer with the usual "life happened".  However, I truly know better than that.  When I ask this question to myself, immediately my spirit reminds me of the verse John 10:10, when Jesus was telling a parable about sheep, He speaks of the thief (the devil) whose whole purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy". 

I remember the people I surrounded myself with.  They were funny, loved life, but most of all...they loved Jesus.  In everything they did, Jesus was the motive behind it all.  I look back at these people, even people that I admired as Christian influence, and they seem just as tainted as I.    However, I never felt saddened at my state of complacency until I saw the complacency of those I once loved or admired.  Some used to sing from stages the love they had for God, and now their songs are filled of hopeless and sad emotions.  Some spoke from microphones and shared their love for Christ to others.  Now, they share their love of worldly desires to those who will listen.  But I am just as bad, if not worse.  The complacency I've been in is of my own choosing.  True...life does happen.  We face situations that we never planned, and they tend to get the best of us.  At least I know this to be true for me.  For a while, I fought for so long to keep the faith and not waver.  I reached a point where I just wanted to give in.  I'm not sure if you have ever felt this, but I know it to be so true.  And after looking back at the faith and zeal I once had, I weep and long to possess such things once again.  At the end of the day, my heart is and forever will be for God and Him alone.  But I want my dedication and my time to be consumed in Him as well.  It's not an easy transition back.  I feel as if my "child-like faith" has been stolen and in place of it remains questions, fear, and doubt.  Yuck!! Can't I just be like a child again?  As I whisper this to God (yes, I do ask him such things), I can hear Him let out a low chuckle and say the words from Revelations 21:5 "Behold, I am making all things new"  and He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true". 

I am thankful that He is merciful and gracious and PATIENT!!  The other day, I was driving home from work, and as I was thinking about some of the hardships of life, a tear fell down my face and I whispered to God, "You knew I would go through this, You knew I would lose faith, and still You love me".  I could continue to write about the many things I am learning at this phase in my life, but for now this is it.  I want to be a child again.  Not physically, but spiritually.  I want the faith that is not tainted. I don't want it just for me.  I want it for everybody who once had the faith like a child, and somehow lost it along the way.  It makes me angry at Satan, the thief!!  What a douche bag!! (If you know me, this is one of my favorite words...it's a bad habit).  Dear Jesus, please protect me from the thief and help me find my child-like faith.