Two Months Later

I must first begin writing this blog by admitting that I am officially the worst blogger ever.  It has been months since my last post and I have no excuses.  A lot has happened since then.  My birthday is coming up and I will soon be a quarter of a century old.  Please imagine me letting out a big sigh.  Twenty four has been the most overwhelming, emotional, heart wrenching year I think I've ever faced.  Ha.  I say that now because I'm still twenty four.  I'm pretty sure I've been through more trying times....but geez...this has surely been a year.

Five weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant.  The night I found out, I had attended a birthday dinner with my friends Daniel and Brent for Brent's birthday.  We had dinner at Stix and had planned to leave there and go back to their apartment.  Before we left, I read my fortune cookie as usual.  When I was younger, we would always add "on the toilet"  or "in the bed" after whatever phrase the fortune cookie said.  So, as usual, I just wanted to see how funny my fortune cookie would be with the addition of one of these phrases.  I cracked the cookie open and there read the phrase "You are about to add more femininity into your life".  I immediately laughed and joked to Daniel, "This must have been yours because I'm as feminine as it gets".  I wish I would have kept the paper because little did I know that I would soon find out I was pregnant.  We then left the restaurant and headed over to their house.  As soon as I got there, I needed to use the restroom.  I had taken a pregnancy test at their house before and left the other test there underneath their cabinet.  So as I go into the restroom, I get the bright idea to tinkle on the other stick just because.  My husband and I were not trying, so I knew that the test would be negative and I could just throw it away.  There was no way I could be pregnant.  Mmmk....so the test came up with a bright pink plus sign.  I immediately had a legit panic attack.  To avoid all the painful hours to follow, I will just spare you the details and let you know that after five more pregnancy tests, it was confirmed that I was indeed pregnant.

This brings me to today...ten weeks and a day later.  I cannot begin to describe all of the emotions that have occurred since the night I first found out about my pregnancy.  I can tell you that I have never been the girl who dreamed about a family.  I am not against family or kids; I guess I just never thought about it.  If I dreamed about anything it was marriage and love.  I'm a sappy kind of girl, and I it just never occurred to me that babies were the natural next step.  When I told my husband, he was super excited.  Bless his heart, he's wanted to get me pregnant since the day we said "I do"...no joke!!

 I have nine months to let my mind wrap around the fact that sometime soon, there is going to be a child that is going to call me "mommy" and is going to depend on me.  However, as of right now, these thoughts are a little overwhelming.  Every day, I have new fears and questions.  If you know me well, you know that I am a planner.  Having a baby at 25 was not a plan of mine.  Needless to say, I have to readjust my plans.  There are many things that I do not know about being a mother, but I do know this one thing...I want to be a good mother.  I've had my selfish moments, and I've lived a very full life to be just twenty four.  For this I am grateful.  However, when the baby gets here...I don't want to be the same person then that I am today.  I mentioned earlier that I never considered being a mother before, but when the thought did cross my mind...I knew that I would want to be good at it one day.  But goodness...that is as far as my thought process went.  Now that this pregnancy is real, I know that wanting to be a good mother and being a good mother are two different things.  Luckily, I've had both.  I had a mother who only held the title of mother because she gave birth to me.  I also have a mother that has been the word in every form and fashion.  I have also been blessed to have many women in my life that have been a motherly figure in some kind of way.  At this moment, I am picking my brain apart.  I want to be like this, I want to do this, I don't want to do that, Can I be this...and most importantly...Can I do this.   This morning, I was thinking about a friend of mine and how sad I felt that he didn't have the greatest parents.  This thought crossed my mind "Too bad you can't choose your parents".  As soon as I had this thought, I almost had to pull my car over (obviously, I was driving).  I don't want my child to go without, or to grow up with a mother who put herself before her own child.  Again...please imagine me letting out a big ol' sigh.  I do have nine months to prepare and throughout this nine months, my heart is open and my prayer is that God will mold me.  Believe me, I need to be molded ;)

So that's my rant after not posting a blog for months:)  I'm pregnant, I'm hormonal, and I'm about to be twenty five.  Life is good…crazy…but wonderful.  When I get too overwhelmed, I find comfort in knowing that God still has a plan.  Thankfully He does, because my plans are needing a little readjustment;) 

Fairytales

I was seventeen and drunk on life, dreams, and the excitement of love.  My mind was never here on earth.  Neither was my heart.  I was constantly dreaming.  You could find me on the corner of cloud nine and heaven.  I remember my first year being away from my family.  I was outside of my dorms talking to my daddy on the phone.  I'm not exactly sure what our conversation consist of, but I know it was on the topic of love.  If you know me, you know that I share every emotion, concerns, and details of my life with my daddy.  This day was one of those days where the conversation went deep.  Again, I'm not sure what exactly was said by me, but I must have been hanging out in the clouds because the statement my father made brought me down to reality real quick.  This statement will ring in my heart till the day I pass.  This is what he said, "Erica, you are just in love with the idea of being in love".  Hmmm....I have never been told that before, nor have I ever heard it been said.  My daddy had a point.  I had experienced love at this point in my life, but it was never what I truly imagined it to be.  I had always held out hope for the fairytale kind of life with a love that sustained me and made me float above ground.  But did that kind of love and life really exist?  Had I been fooled by Cinderella?  Was there really a prince charming and a castle?  Was it love that I was after, or just the idea of it?

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day, and without meaning to, I blurted out "I no longer believe in fairy tales" and without my consent, tears just began to stream down my face as the confession suddenly became a harsh truth.  It was as if the words left my mouth and slapped me in the face and made me realize the cold hard reality of it all.  Fairy tales do not exist.  Being good is no longer good enough.  Giving your all sometimes doesn't cut it, and loving with all you have might not be adequate for the given situation.  So I am faced with this question, "Is it worth it".  This heart of mine is too fragile to continue to hold out for hope that is not there.  Life has run it's course at full speed ahead and without asking permission, stole the joy and excitement right out of me.  Sometimes, I feel as if I'm as cold as a rock.  I have felt this way once before in my life.  I was in ninth grade, and I remember being at the alter pleading to God that he would make my heart warm again.  It was a long process, and that prayer had been prayed many times over before I felt life come back to me.  I do not enjoy this feeling because I become so numb to my emotions.  So what do I do in this situation??  I look for inspiration.  I read my Bible, I look up quotes, I cling to people who can give me wise counsel.  Today, I thought back to one of my favorite quotes by none other than Sylvester Stallone in the lastest Rocky Balboa movie.

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.
You, me, or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life.

But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward.
How much you can take and keep moving forward.
That’s how winning is done ! Now if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth.
But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers,
saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody ! Cowards do that, and that ain’t you!”.

WOW!!  I felt like Mr. Balboa was talking straight to me!!  So...I write all this to say...Maybe fairy tales don't exist.  Maybe I followed the idea of love to the point that I fell right off the edge of a cliff.   But...in all this...life is still good.  God is still God.  I am forgiven, and there is still hope.  If you're reading this and you have been discouraged such as I, please know that there is still fight in you.  Yeah...life sucks.  It isn't fair at times, and it sometimes kicks the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks out of us, but in the words of Rocky Balboa, "It ain't about how hard ya hit.  It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward.  That's how winning is done" 

Like a Child

Today, I found myself thinking of me when I was younger.  When I say young, I mean teenager.  I was foolish, silly, and made mistakes often.  However, if there is one noble thing I could say for myself at that age, it would be that I truly longed for more of God and less of me.  At that time, I knew of nothing else.  I wanted nothing more.  Now that I'm older  (and much much wiser..hahaha), I look back, and sadly enough, I am no longer that same person.   Of course, with this realization comes the natural question..."What happened".  I would like to answer with the usual "life happened".  However, I truly know better than that.  When I ask this question to myself, immediately my spirit reminds me of the verse John 10:10, when Jesus was telling a parable about sheep, He speaks of the thief (the devil) whose whole purpose is to steal, kill, and destroy". 

I remember the people I surrounded myself with.  They were funny, loved life, but most of all...they loved Jesus.  In everything they did, Jesus was the motive behind it all.  I look back at these people, even people that I admired as Christian influence, and they seem just as tainted as I.    However, I never felt saddened at my state of complacency until I saw the complacency of those I once loved or admired.  Some used to sing from stages the love they had for God, and now their songs are filled of hopeless and sad emotions.  Some spoke from microphones and shared their love for Christ to others.  Now, they share their love of worldly desires to those who will listen.  But I am just as bad, if not worse.  The complacency I've been in is of my own choosing.  True...life does happen.  We face situations that we never planned, and they tend to get the best of us.  At least I know this to be true for me.  For a while, I fought for so long to keep the faith and not waver.  I reached a point where I just wanted to give in.  I'm not sure if you have ever felt this, but I know it to be so true.  And after looking back at the faith and zeal I once had, I weep and long to possess such things once again.  At the end of the day, my heart is and forever will be for God and Him alone.  But I want my dedication and my time to be consumed in Him as well.  It's not an easy transition back.  I feel as if my "child-like faith" has been stolen and in place of it remains questions, fear, and doubt.  Yuck!! Can't I just be like a child again?  As I whisper this to God (yes, I do ask him such things), I can hear Him let out a low chuckle and say the words from Revelations 21:5 "Behold, I am making all things new"  and He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true". 

I am thankful that He is merciful and gracious and PATIENT!!  The other day, I was driving home from work, and as I was thinking about some of the hardships of life, a tear fell down my face and I whispered to God, "You knew I would go through this, You knew I would lose faith, and still You love me".  I could continue to write about the many things I am learning at this phase in my life, but for now this is it.  I want to be a child again.  Not physically, but spiritually.  I want the faith that is not tainted. I don't want it just for me.  I want it for everybody who once had the faith like a child, and somehow lost it along the way.  It makes me angry at Satan, the thief!!  What a douche bag!! (If you know me, this is one of my favorite words...it's a bad habit).  Dear Jesus, please protect me from the thief and help me find my child-like faith.  

Looking Back

Many people are afraid to say or write how they feel.  Maybe it is a fear of rejection.  It could be a lack of being able to put what they feel into words.  I'm not sure what it is.  For me, I am most fearful of not saying how I feel or perhaps missing the chance to express my feelings to those that I cherish the most.  

In reflection, the year of 2010 has been a year of change in every area of my life.  For the first time in my life, I have experienced emotions of regret, uncertainty, doubt, and fear all at once.  I could feel every emotion in more than one area of life.  I could feel it spiritually, physically, and emotionally.  I could feel it in decisions I had made in the present, as well as decisions I made in the past.  I do not recall a time in my life that I have ever felt regret so much that it haunted me the way it has this year.  I have always been the person that could shake it off and move on.  I am not sure why I have been so in tune with these emotions of doubt and regret.  Perhaps it stems from change.  Change is one thing in life that is inevitable.  You can not resist change, nor can you prevent it.  Change is a natural part of life.  Change is not always a bad thing, however, it is the change that forces one to stop and reflect and at times access where they are at in life.  A friend of mine in high school once showed me a quote that I have often looked back at and used as inspiration.  Her quote states "If there wasn't any change, there wouldn't be any butterflies".  What a beautiful way to look at change.  I guess for me, as change took place, I began to reflect.  As I look back on my life, there are several things that I would have done differently.  They say hindsight is always 20/20.  How true is that?  If only I knew then what I know now...how different would my choices have been?  None of these choices have to do with life or death situations, rather direction in life.  Looking back now, I realize that many of my choices were made out of influence rather than personal belief.  It saddens me to know that I let other people's influence have an impact on decisions that I would have to live with. 

Due to the fact that I have never dealt with guilt or regret, I decided to research regret.  I'm not sure that this is the normal thing to do when dealing with regret, but because I am a Psychology major, I was interested in the psychology of it all.  To put it to you plainly, regret gets you nowhere.  A person who suffers from regret is often moody, emotional, and fantasizes on what "could have" been.  I don't want to be this person, so as a result, I have decided that I will no longer dwell on the "what if's" in life.  Life is what it is.  I am grateful for each breath I've been given, and I don't want to waste my present days living in the past.  So, as a life goal, not to be confused with a New Year's Resolution, I want to live a life the makes the most out of each moment.  If I love you, I want you to know right then and there that I love you.  I will tell you, I will express it, and I will live it out.  If I am passionate about something, I will devote my full heart into it.  If it is in the past, that is where I will leave it. 

Thankfully, I have great friends, family, and the most wonderful husband who has put up with me and my horrible roller coaster of emotions throughout the past year.  I am blessed beyond measure.  As for me and my life, I want to live a life that is unabandoned.  Unabandoned spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  1 Corinthians 9:24 says "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run but only one gets the prize?  Run in such a way as to get the prize".  This might be theme verse for the year 2011.  And this is all I have to write.  I encourage you in you are reading this to live a carpe diem life.  Seize each moment and live it to the fullest.  Run the race in such a way that you come out as the winner!!  From now on, that's what I'm gonna be doing:)

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. - Groucho Marx

There's Just Something About THAT Name

Well, I didn't start this blog to show the world how spiritual I am.  In fact, at this point in my life, that is the last thing I want to do at the moment.  I have many people in my life who like to flaunt their spirituality, and it disgust me.  Rather, I started this blog just because I thought it was an interesting way to share with others what was going on in my life.  The good things, the hard situations, the BIG moments, and even the small.  The other day, I was driving to work.  The drive to work was normal.  Nothing unusual happened.  But for some reason, I was at a stop light, and as I sat there waiting for the light to change, I looked up to the sky and I suddenly remembered a moment I had with my father when I was a kid. This memory came out of nowhere, but as soon as it came, it brought chills down my body.  This memory was of my daddy taking me to school early one day.  We were in his truck and he was holding his coffee cup as he drove.  It was early in the morning, so I wasn't close to being able to hold a casual conversation.  However, I kept hearing my dad softly whispering something.  This got my attention, and I began to notice that my dad was praying.  Or, I guess you could say praying.  He was just saying the name "Jesus" over and over again.  Just saying the name, softly.  But in his words I could hear so much more.  In his words I could hear adoration, a plea, a cry, a longing.  At the time, I had no idea why my dad would just say Jesus' name over and over.  It didn't make sense, but yet, I could still hear everything in that one name.  This happened on many occasions that I rode with my dad to work or school.  He would have his coffee in one hand, the other hand on the steering wheel, and he would silently whisper the name of Jesus.  You just have to know the relationship between me and my daddy.  I adore everything about my daddy.  My dad does not boast in his speech, but he silently lives a life that I look up to.  As years have passed, I have often heard songs, poems, and sermons about the name of Jesus.  Each speaking of the power that is in His name.  I'm not sure if this is for anybody, or if maybe I am simply sharing a memory...but I can honestly say that this memory of my daddy whispering the name of Jesus has been an example to me.  I am at a point in my life where I feel that there has been much confusion and questions that have surrounded me and my husband.  But when it comes to the end of the day, and I am overwhelmed with heartache, or questions, or even happiness and joy...when I just say the name of Jesus...all the answers I need in life are right there:)  So here's to my daddy!!! Thank you for being a living example of Christ!!!

the life of a biker chick!!!

When I worked at the bank, I had the pleasure of meeting and befriending several of the employees at Harley Davidson here in Mobile.  I shared with them my husbands obsessive passion to one day own a bike, and in return, they have befriended my husband and helped fuel the already burning fire.  For Brett's birthday, one of the girls at the store gave me a gift certificate that allowed Brett a free weekend rental of his choice.  Now, I spent actual MONEY on his birthday gifts, but this free certificate topped it all off!!  He immediately made plans to have my Aunt Pooh (who owns a harley) and her friend Elaine (who owns a yamahahaha) to come up one weekend in September and ride their harley's together.  I must admit to you that I was quietly reserved and nervous, but I knew that my husband was thrilled, so I kept my thoughts to myself like a polite young lady would.  The months of July and August flew quickly by, and September finally came along with the weekend of the awaited bike ride.  My stomach stayed in knots and I was silently sending prayers up to God that my husband would be safe.  Saturday, Brett, Pooh, and Elaine rode their bikes all day until time for the Auburn game.  They drove their bikes to Dauphin Island, caught a fairy, rode the fairy to Gulf Shores, and rode back to Mobile.  The whole time they were gone, I was waiting for my phone to ring so I could hear my husbands voice and know that he was still alive.  Thankfully, they returned home safely and I was able to watch the Auburn game with a peace of mind.  The next day, my husband informed me that he would be driving me to church on his rented harley....  I wanted to do it because I knew he wanted me to do it, but I was sick to my stomach nervous!!!  When we left the house for church on this bike, all I could think was "What would me parents think if they knew"...lol!!!  When I walked into church with a biker's helmet, I felt like a true biker chick.  I left church after worship so we could ride with Pooh and Elaine before they left.  Ok people, I must admit....I LOVED every minute of it.  There is nothing like the feeling of being on the back of a bike with the person you love, and just driving in the open air.  I felt like a new woman!!!  The day was full of memories...it rained on us as we were making our way home, and we had to stop and find refuge.  We ended up stopping somewhere close to Daphne and hiding under a house that was not completely built yet.  All I could do was laugh.  Heck, if were gonna be bikers, we might as well do it all the way and ride in the rain!!! 

I was sad to see the weekend go, but thankfully the next weekend was bike week in Panama City and we were able to meet my Aunt Pooh, Elaine, and their friends there.  Again, this only made Brett's need for a bike even worse.  We had such a great time and met some wonderful people within these two days.  I say all this to say...I believe that one day, I will officially become a biker chick for REAL!!!  I am finally on board with Brett, and I hope that the future holds a nice Harley for my husband accompanied with a NICE...COMFORTABLE back seat for me and my toosh!!! 

Brett getting ready to leave the Harley Davidson Dealership

He's so excited he can barely stand it!!

And they're off!!!

Getting ready to leave for church!! Lord keep me safe!!

What am I doing?!?!

Hey mom, hey dad!!

In Panama for bike week

Brett revved his bike up just for this picture...

This is my Biker husband!!

Hope you guys enjoy the pictures!!! 

The little things

Well friends, it seems that a lot has gone on since the time I last wrote.  I have recently made career changes in the past two weeks.  School is ever consuming my free time.  Brett is still working non-stop.  We have so many things in our lives that demand our attention and time, and it's hard to find a balance in it all.  I get scared that these crazy times are gonna overtake the important things in life, such as love for our friends and family, or gratitude for what we have.  Thankfully, I have a husband who never lets me forget! 

The other day, Brett came home completely tired and worn out.  I didn't want to bother him, but I was CRAVING krispy kreme donuts!! I slyly mentioned my intentions of wanting to go, and he happily took a quick shower, got dressed, and took me to krispy kreme at 10:00.  Now that's a great husband!!

What horrible picture...but I had to put it up!!  Brett was pouting because I got a creme filled cinnamon donut, and he wanted it!!  He was being a baby, and wouldn't get the same thing I got, so instead...he just pouted!!  Typical male!!
I said all this to point out, that this night meant a lot to me.  It wasn't anything special, but I was so grateful that we took time to get out of the house, even if it were just a ride down the road, and enjoy our time with each other. 



About two weeks ago, we went over to Mama Sue's house (Brett's mom) to eat dinner.  I was inside watching tv, and when I came back outside to see what Brett and his brother Jeff were up to, this is what I found:

Brett and Jeff on the roof of the shed

Getting ready to shoot the arrow

This is their target setup!!

Brett is so ready for hunting season, he can't stand it!!  I nearly died laughing when I saw this!!  This is one of the many reasons why I love my husband.  He surely keeps life interesting!  The other night, I had a bad dream about Brett, and when I woke up and told him about my dream, his response was "Baby, you can't have a nightmare about me, I'm a dream come true"!!  Seriously, where does he come up with this stuff! All I know is that I am so blessed.  Blessed and happy!  God is so faithful to us:)  I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me and my family!!  Promise, I will keep you posted!!

XOXO

erica barron