I am a pretty open book. I do not tend to shy away from honesty. Especially when it comes to my private life. As most of you who read my blogs know, I recently got a divorce in September. The emotional process after the divorce has been so different from what I mentally pictured it would be. In my mind, the moments leading up to the divorce, I just wanted it all over with. I thought the divorce would bring an end to the hurt my heart was feeling. Let me be clear in this...The hurt did not end. And in my hurt, here are a few things I have learned.
1. Losing a marriage is comparable to death. Except in a divorce, the person isn't gone. Their presence on this earth still leaves you with questions. Did I do everything I could to save my marriage? Am I a bad parent for going through this divorce? What did I do wrong in my marriage? What could/should I have done differently? Is there a possibility of reconciliation? Will my child resent me? These are feelings and thoughts that literally haunt my mind and trouble my heart, if not daily, at least a good few times a week. The absence of that spouse is ever present in your mind and in your life. I see it in my finances. I feel it in the stress of being a working mother and provider for my child. On days when I would have normally had my husband help with chores around the house, I now am the sole care taker/laundry folder/dinner making/bath giving/entertainer extraordinaire. I feel the loss of my husband every day in these tiny aspects of my daily life.
2. It is okay to grieve. In fact, YOU NEED TO. Grieving is a natural part of this process. I believe that in this modern time, people love and lose all too quickly and easily. I am very different from that. I love hard. I pledged my forever to a man and now that forever is no longer there. Many will offer you their advice and sweet concerns. Words such as "You deserved better" or "Someone is going to come along and treat you better" are phrases that people say with good intentions, but it doesn't really heal that wound. I don't care how horrible a spouse was to you, those words do not help. There are times when my throat and heart feel as if they are sitting at the pit of my stomach. The weight of it feels heavy and makes it hard to breathe. These feelings are very normal although they are a horrible emotion for a human to feel. Allow yourself to feel this. You lost your forever. If you can honestly say that you did not grieve or feel bad after a relationship has met its end, then I do not believe your heart was in that relationship.
3. It is going to take time. Some days, I feel fine. Then there are days when I feel the remorse and the overwhelming feeling of loss all over again. Grieving is a process. Let it happen.
4. Self-care. It is important to take care of yourself during this time. I don't mean go on shopping sprees. If you have or are experiencing a divorce, you know we ain't got that money...hehehe. What I do mean is do little things that bring you joy. Turn the music up loud and dance if that is what comforts you. Take a few extra minutes in your morning and make yourself that cup of coffee you always forget to do. Rock your son to sleep, and when he falls asleep, keep rocking him. I found that when I got a divorce, I threw myself into a robotic routine. In order to numb out the pain, I kept myself busy. I realized one day while rocking my son to sleep that I was watching and waiting for the clock to hit at exactly 8:00pm so I could put him in his crib and start on my school work. I realized how sad it was that I was defining my life through silly robotic routines. I made a vow then and there to take the extra time to rock him; even it means he is passed out with drool dripping down my numb arm. These are the things that bring me joy. What brings you joy? Allow yourself time to do and experience them. Bask in it. Taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to feel moments of happiness and pure joy is so important during this grieving process. **Side note. As long as these things are healthy and are not physically or emotionally harmful to you or anyone else.
5. You do not owe anybody an answer. I started seeing a counselor after my divorce. One of the repetitive things that kept creeping up is my fear of having to owe people an answer. This might not be something you experienced, but for me, I felt that people expected something from me that I could not offer. The advice my counselor gave was this: Set out whatever amount of time that you would like and tell yourself and everyone else involved that you will not be making any life changing decisions in this allotted amount of time. This was huge for me. It was a moment that I realized I did not owe anybody anything. The person I answer to is myself (and my son). At the end of the day, your focus should be on you and what it takes to get through this valley. Because that is what this is. It is a valley. But valleys can be a great adventure as well.
6. Don't be stupid. Let's be honest. I've made several stupid decisions since my divorce in a poor attempt to feel whole or empowered again. I spent money on credit cards that were already close to being maxxed out. I tried the bar/dating scene. These characteristics just are not me. I am deep down a girl who likes to be at home surrounded by people I love, in my pajamas, with a glass of wine and or coffee in hand(don't judge me), watching a good movie. Continue to be yourself. Trying to fill a void is just what it is. It is an attempt to fit something into a spot where it doesn't belong. Now don't get me wrong. I enjoy my time with a girlfriend eating good food and having a good margarita. But the excess of any of that is just not who I am. If it doesn't feel natural or right, then it isn't. Walk away. Anyone who doesn't support you in this is just not good for you and you should not walk, but run from them.
7. Pull the wise close. When I went through my divorce, it was the first time in my life that I had ever felt that God did not love/care about me. I pushed God and anything that seemed wise away. It hurt too much for me. I had begged God to restore my marriage and family and it didn't happen. With that said, I just did not want to hear reason. Everything that made sense to me before was suddenly challenged. I went to church only to keep some kind of conviction in my life. I was scared that if I didn't, my heart would become completely hard. I am glad that I made this decision. In the midst of my storm, God was still speaking through the only outlet I would give Him. I just joined a small group at church. It was the best decision I made. My heart still hurts and the bars camped up around it is still sealed tight. But I feel a softening coming. Allow wisdom in your life. Don't just hear it. Listen. Allow wisdom to sink in your heart and direct your path. As hard as it is to believe it, God still has a plan in all of this. I am literally telling myself this everyday...my mind knows it; my heart just doesn't feel it. That's okay. It will come. The willingness to be open to it is a start in the right direction.
8. You are not ready to give yourself away. Just stop trying. This is a hard pill for me to swallow. In my marriage, my spouse had a hard time allowing me to show them love. My thoughts were this "If I could just find someone that will love me and allow me to love them back, I will be okay". WRONG. I'm not ready. You aren't ready. Even if I were to reconcile with my ex-husband, the time right now is not right. The grieving process is still taking place. It is so important that you allow yourself to grieve. Feel everything it has. With that said, you cannot grieve the loss of your marriage and be whole enough to give yourself away to a new person. It is unfair to you and that person to pretend to do so. I'm not saying don't date or have a good time with friends. Dating is fine. It's good to have a reason to get dressed up and have a good dinner. But be clear and honest about your intentions.
9. Allow yourself time to cry. My time is in the car when my son is not in there with me. It is also at night when I'm alone. After the crying is done, pick yourself up and get on with your day. Crying is not weak. However, it is also not appropriate at certain times. I started crying on the way home one day and my son was in the back seat of the car. I was lost in my emotions and then I heard my son start to cry. He was crying because I was. That was when I realized that I need to take my crying self somewhere else. There is a time and a place for your tears. It is okay to cry, but at the right time and place.
10. This is not about them. It's about you. I have heard people try to self-motivate themselves during their divorce by focusing on the flaws of their spouse. "You're better off anyways" "They don't deserve you". Blah blah blah blah blah. Stop it. Just stop it. You are divorced. This is not about them anymore. It is about you. Focus on yourself. What can you change? How can you be a better person/parent/coworker/friend? Concentrating on the flaws of someone else is a weak attempt at trying to feel better. Be strong enough to admit that you have crap you need to deal with and then DEAL WITH IT.
Listen, I do not have it together. I am learning. A few months ago, I was driving in downtown Birmingham. As I came to a stoplight, I noticed what I assumed to be a mother and her son who appeared to be around the age of 10 or 11. The first thing I did was look at her hand. There was no ring on it. I watched these two walk across the street together. They were holding hands and to my surprise, laughing. I do not know their story. I didn't get out of my car or yell out at the woman from my car window to ask them. What I do know is there wasn't a father walking with them or a ring on her hand. I felt God saying to my spirit, "You will laugh again". As I said, this was a few months ago, and I still have my days where life seems like it is in complete and utter shambles. But I think about that mother and son and deep down, I know things will be okay. If you are like me and you believe in love, then you have this deep desire to feel it again. Let me tell you this...You can't love out of a heart that is broken and insecure. No man (or woman) wants to be with someone who needs them to fill a void. God did not create a spouse to fill a void that only He Himself can fill. A spouse is supposed to compliment you, not complete you. Don't put that expectation on yourself or on someone else. Allow yourself time to heal. Joy will come. The laughter will come. The pain will subside. It's got to. Life has its troubles, but in the words of the infamous rock band, Poison, "Every night has its dawn". And like a true southern belle, let me leave you with the words of both Scarlett O'Hara from Gone with the Wind and Claire Belcher from Steele Magnolias.
“After all, tomorrow is another day!” ― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind
That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." - This line by Claire Belcher
Friday, February 21, 2014
Hold Me Near
This song speaks my heart
Hold me near, when I am restless.
Hold me near, when I am bitter.
Hold me near, when I'm rebellious.
Hold me near until the end.
Hold me near, when my heart is broken.
Hold me near, when I'm ignorant.
Hold me near, when I am jealous.
Hold me near until the end.
But as for me, my feet almost gave up, I nearly sold my heart.
It's good to be held by my father, its good to be where You are.
Hold me near, when I am restless.
Hold me near, when I am bitter.
Hold me near, when I'm rebellious.
Hold me near until the end.
Hold me near, when my heart is broken.
Hold me near, when I'm ignorant.
Hold me near, when I am jealous.
Hold me near until the end.
But as for me, my feet almost gave up, I nearly sold my heart.
It's good to be held by my father, its good to be where You are.
Monday, October 14, 2013
The Martha Complex
I dropped Aiden off this morning, him crying. I walked as fast I could to my car, opened the driver's side door, plopped myself in, slammed the door shut...all before the tears could come rushing down my face. I had done everything I could to get him to school on time. I woke up early and got myself ready so by the time he woke up I would be able to spend it with him. In fact, I had to wake him up this morning which is awfully unusual being that he has an internal alarm clock that wakes him up at 5:00 on the dot every morning. But not this morning. I went in his room around 6:15 and gently tried to get him to wake up. We went downstairs, Henry Hugglemonster already on the television, and sat with his sippy cup full of milk and his hands and mouth full of blueberry muffins. I don't get much time with him so I try to make the most of the time I do have. I had him dressed and ready by 7:00. We should have walked out of the door then. But I couldn't find my car keys. Of course. I am the most absent minded person you could ever meet. I started to mentally beat myself up about it. How in the world could you lose your keys? You had everything else set out and ready to go. Of course you'd screw something up. I dug through the trash can first convinced I had thrown them away in one of my moments of absent mindedness. Nope. Searched the entire trash can. Nothing. Nada. So I ran upstairs, heels and all. I looked in my bathroom, in my closet, in Aiden's room. Finally, I looked on the night stand by my bed, and there they were. Sitting in a logical place. The very last place I would've looked. By the time I walked out of the house, crying baby in tow, it was 7:15 which meant I was gonna be caught in the Birmingham traffic. Great. I screwed my morning up already.
So I sat in the parking lot of my son's daycare, and I cried. It didn't matter because I was already going to be late. What I really wanted to do was throw myself onto the ground and pull out one of Aiden's fits. Kicking and screaming, I wanted to cry "Why me, this isn't fair". Being a mom in and of itself is a hard job. I have been a stay at home mother and I have experienced life as a mother with a husband/partner that could help and share in all the tasks. But being a single mom, well...it sucks. There really isn't a nice way to put it. There isn't family close to me to help with the extra stuff that has to get done. There isn't a husband that can entertain my son while I cook him dinner. I do it all. And it's exhausting. I try really hard to get all my ducks in a row. My time with Aiden is limited now that I work, so I make an extra effort to take advantage of the time that I do have with him. When he is sleeping is the time that I clean, shower, do laundry, finish school work, watch tv, etc. But there always seems to be a kink in the hose. And to be quite honest, it is frustrating.
When I finally gathered myself together, put my car in reverse, and backed out of my parking spot to continue on towards work, I found myself asking God, "remind me today that you have already overcome the world". This life is a struggle. I often wonder where the joy has gone. How do I conquer this boy that you have given me, God? How do I meet his needs, and my needs, and your needs...how do I do it all? "Take heart", He says. "I've overcome the world", He says. "When, God because I feel a little overcome right now". I know God probably laughs at me. These things are so trivial and fleeting and in comparison with some...they really aren't that important. But they overwhelm me. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, but sometimes, I feel alone in it.
I think about Mary and Martha when Jesus came to visit. The book of Luke, chapter 10 tells a story about how Martha had opened her home for Jesus and His disciples to visit. Martha was so distracted and busy with all the "stuff" that she needed to get done and noticed that her sister, Martha, was sitting at the feet of Jesus instead of helping her. Now, I can relate with Martha. What the heck did Martha think she was doing? We don't have time to sit. THINGS HAVE GOT TO BE DONE!!!! But Martha, she just sat there at the feet of Jesus. The story tells of how Martha asked Jesus, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me". "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” DANGIT...we might as well insert my name into His text. "Erica, Erica. You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is really needed. Sit at my feet and rest a little". If I were being honest with you, I spend very little time sitting at the feet of Jesus. I want to, but when do I fit it in? At 4:00 am before Aiden wakes up? At night when I'm already half asleep and have tons of school work waiting on me? There has been a lot of change going on in my life, and I am trying to find a new normal. The balance is hard, and I know I have left out the most important thing. Jesus. And honestly, it seems like making time for Him is just adding another "task" to my list of things "to do".
Now...don't you judge me. I know you have been there too. So how do we fix this? My pastor has often taught that serving Jesus is not a "got to" but an "I get to" thing. When our hearts are right, making time for Him is not a task. It's an honor. So that's what it has come to, guys. Getting back to the basics. Counting it joy to spend time with my Father, even if it means the dishes don't get done or my show doesn't get watched. Oh Martha, I feel your pain. Who else is going to get that boy bathed and dressed? But Mary...she got it right. The Father is here now. Let's spend time with Him. He is what is ultimately important. Everything else will fall in line. To you tired mothers. I got you. I'm there in the struggle with you. We are going to make it. Our Father sees us. He hasn't forgotten. Let's just take some time out...reaccess with our Daddy God. It's that important and vital to our making it to the next day with a sane mind. Take heart, my dear friends. Daddy God has got this!!
So I sat in the parking lot of my son's daycare, and I cried. It didn't matter because I was already going to be late. What I really wanted to do was throw myself onto the ground and pull out one of Aiden's fits. Kicking and screaming, I wanted to cry "Why me, this isn't fair". Being a mom in and of itself is a hard job. I have been a stay at home mother and I have experienced life as a mother with a husband/partner that could help and share in all the tasks. But being a single mom, well...it sucks. There really isn't a nice way to put it. There isn't family close to me to help with the extra stuff that has to get done. There isn't a husband that can entertain my son while I cook him dinner. I do it all. And it's exhausting. I try really hard to get all my ducks in a row. My time with Aiden is limited now that I work, so I make an extra effort to take advantage of the time that I do have with him. When he is sleeping is the time that I clean, shower, do laundry, finish school work, watch tv, etc. But there always seems to be a kink in the hose. And to be quite honest, it is frustrating.
When I finally gathered myself together, put my car in reverse, and backed out of my parking spot to continue on towards work, I found myself asking God, "remind me today that you have already overcome the world". This life is a struggle. I often wonder where the joy has gone. How do I conquer this boy that you have given me, God? How do I meet his needs, and my needs, and your needs...how do I do it all? "Take heart", He says. "I've overcome the world", He says. "When, God because I feel a little overcome right now". I know God probably laughs at me. These things are so trivial and fleeting and in comparison with some...they really aren't that important. But they overwhelm me. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, but sometimes, I feel alone in it.
I think about Mary and Martha when Jesus came to visit. The book of Luke, chapter 10 tells a story about how Martha had opened her home for Jesus and His disciples to visit. Martha was so distracted and busy with all the "stuff" that she needed to get done and noticed that her sister, Martha, was sitting at the feet of Jesus instead of helping her. Now, I can relate with Martha. What the heck did Martha think she was doing? We don't have time to sit. THINGS HAVE GOT TO BE DONE!!!! But Martha, she just sat there at the feet of Jesus. The story tells of how Martha asked Jesus, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me". "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” DANGIT...we might as well insert my name into His text. "Erica, Erica. You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is really needed. Sit at my feet and rest a little". If I were being honest with you, I spend very little time sitting at the feet of Jesus. I want to, but when do I fit it in? At 4:00 am before Aiden wakes up? At night when I'm already half asleep and have tons of school work waiting on me? There has been a lot of change going on in my life, and I am trying to find a new normal. The balance is hard, and I know I have left out the most important thing. Jesus. And honestly, it seems like making time for Him is just adding another "task" to my list of things "to do".
Now...don't you judge me. I know you have been there too. So how do we fix this? My pastor has often taught that serving Jesus is not a "got to" but an "I get to" thing. When our hearts are right, making time for Him is not a task. It's an honor. So that's what it has come to, guys. Getting back to the basics. Counting it joy to spend time with my Father, even if it means the dishes don't get done or my show doesn't get watched. Oh Martha, I feel your pain. Who else is going to get that boy bathed and dressed? But Mary...she got it right. The Father is here now. Let's spend time with Him. He is what is ultimately important. Everything else will fall in line. To you tired mothers. I got you. I'm there in the struggle with you. We are going to make it. Our Father sees us. He hasn't forgotten. Let's just take some time out...reaccess with our Daddy God. It's that important and vital to our making it to the next day with a sane mind. Take heart, my dear friends. Daddy God has got this!!
Friday, August 23, 2013
Changes
I find it very interesting that Mother's day was the last blog I wrote. Coincidently, Mother's day of 2013 has and will forever be a new chapter in my life. That was the day that everything changed. Without too many intimate and undisclosed details, between Mother's Day 2013 and today, I am now separated from my husband of six years. With that being said...we are all well. Aiden is 20 months old, is starting to put words together. He is happy and healthy and I couldn't ask for a more beautiful, full of life son. Brett is well. He and Aiden decided to take a trip to the Tennessee Aquarium. They were so kind and invited me to go as well. We had a wonderful time. I gave Brett and Aiden their time and I was more like the photographer. It was so nice watching the two of them together. Aiden is now able to acknowledge what is right in front of him, so he was amazed at all the fish swimming around in the huge aquariums. Brett taught Aiden how to say "Bye fishes". It comes out sounding more like "Bye pishes". The aquarium had this really neat butterfly garden and Brett was able to hold a butterfly on his finger so Aiden could see it up close. Those two can find adventure in anything, but being able to hold and see a butterfly up close was pretty exciting if I do say so myself.
While traveling this road towards divorce, I have learned a lot about myself. I am in some ways much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am also much weaker in areas that I never thought I could be. Divorce is never fun. I am not sure that I have ever heard someone say "I loved going through my divorce. It was the best time of my life". I may not have had the best marriage, but I look back on the life that I shared with Brett, and I am thankful for the journey. I would not have experienced so many of the adventures that I did experience if I had not married Brett. Brett taught me that I can pursue anything. Especially in school. He always encouraged me to get my bachelor's degree and to not stop my education until I was satisfied. Brett taught me that I can be strong. He has often said that he knew I was much stronger than I even thought. That means a lot to me.
I just started a new job recently. Aiden is currently with a babysitter, but we are hoping to get him in a daycare center soon. The one that I am looking at is close to my job which is conveinent for many reasons. Next month, I will be moving in with a great friend that I had the privelege of meeting last year. Her name is Crystal. If you remember in a few of my blogs back, I babysat her son, Rownin, for a few months. I am thankful for the provision God has made for Aiden and I. We are in a good place in life. I have great friends and family. I truly adore my new coworkers. I have met new people who enlighten and enrich my life. God is good. He is also very faithful, even....EVEN when I am not. Next month, my church is starting their new semester of small groups. I am really looking forward to joining one and getting plugged in somewhere. I don't want to walk through this particular season of my life broke and beaten down. Instead, I would rather choose to embrace it. I try to find certain things to focus my attention, time, and energy on. Work. When I am there, I focus on work. Home...cook dinner, feed Aiden, bath time, read a book, rock Aiden and enjoy the moment. Aiden is asleep...school work. That is basically my train of thought lately. In between, I find time to clean, put things away (Brett usually kept the house in order...I am a work in progress), call a few close friends, and catch up a few shows.
So...I have not wanted to neglect my blog. But, I wasn't too sure how I would write about this particualr season I am in right now. It's tricky because I am an open book. And ususally, by blogs reflect the season of life that I am in during that moment of writing. I have thought about writing, but the time never seemed right. I feel that I am in a better place now where I am finding the ground beneath my feet. I don't feel like I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I feel good. I am happy and content with life right now. I know who holds my future, and that truly is comforting. For those of you who do choose to read this particular blog and you know Brett and I personally but didn't know of our situation...I ask you this: Please just be respectful. If we haven't spoken to you in person about it, it is most likely because we do not wish to talk about it at the time. What you can do is pray for us. Pray that God will restore our hearts and help us find His purpose and meaning for our lives as individuals as well as parents to our precious gift of a son. God has always had a plan and a purpose for us. He (God) has not changed. We will both find His purpose. I am confident in that.
And to anyone else who has gone through a divorce, is going through a divorce, fears that divorce is ahead...I am praying for and with you. We serve a MIGHTY father.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Mother's Day
I will be the first to admit that prior to Motherhood, I was a skeptic of moms. The emotion attached seemed so made up and fake. I had those friends who were mothers and they would claim that their whole life revolved around their children. Our conversations would consist of their children. They couldn't skip away for the weekend and go to the beach because they needed to be home with their children. What kind of life did these ladies live? A particular friend I have in mind is one of my best friends, Jessica Blackburn. For her birthday once, she asked her husband that he save a present for her and use the money for a trip to Disney. She asked for her gift to be a gift for her son. Really? She knew EVERY word to every cartoon that existed and I swore if I heard Yo Gabba Gabba come on while I was there, I would run out screaming. I did not understand my friend. How in the world did her live revolve around being a mother? How in the world was her life fulfilling?
I am now a mother of a WONDERFUL seventeen month boy. With that said...I am NOW that Mother. My world is my son. And I get it now. I know every word to every show that comes on the Disney Channel and I do not care (however, I STILL HATE Yo Gabba Gabba and refuse to play it in my house). My life, my schedule, and my conversations are revolved around my son, and I could not imagine it being any other way.
Aiden Hugh Barron,
The moment I knew I was pregnant, I feared you. I knew you deserved the very best and I did not know that I could be the one who could do that. I wanted to do right by you. I spent nine months of my life in expectation and preparation for you. You are here and my life is changed for the better. You are a beautiful, handsome, and charming young boy. Before you were born, I prayed constantly that God would give you the spirit of King David. I wanted you to be a person who LOVED life and laughed as often as you could. You do just that, my love. You can say my name now and when you do, you scream it so I can hear. MAAAAA-MAAAAA!!! And as you say it, you have the biggest smile on your face. I am so in love with you. You have changed my life and enriched it. You give my life meaning and purpose. You make me want to be better at everything I do. You, my love, are my purpose. If I fail at being your mother, I have failed my purpose in life. You are my ministry. Being your mother gives me meaning. I love you. In fact, the term love does not express the emotions I want to express behind it. Thank you for showing me what life is about.
Love Always,
Your MaMa
I am now a mother of a WONDERFUL seventeen month boy. With that said...I am NOW that Mother. My world is my son. And I get it now. I know every word to every show that comes on the Disney Channel and I do not care (however, I STILL HATE Yo Gabba Gabba and refuse to play it in my house). My life, my schedule, and my conversations are revolved around my son, and I could not imagine it being any other way.
Aiden Hugh Barron,
The moment I knew I was pregnant, I feared you. I knew you deserved the very best and I did not know that I could be the one who could do that. I wanted to do right by you. I spent nine months of my life in expectation and preparation for you. You are here and my life is changed for the better. You are a beautiful, handsome, and charming young boy. Before you were born, I prayed constantly that God would give you the spirit of King David. I wanted you to be a person who LOVED life and laughed as often as you could. You do just that, my love. You can say my name now and when you do, you scream it so I can hear. MAAAAA-MAAAAA!!! And as you say it, you have the biggest smile on your face. I am so in love with you. You have changed my life and enriched it. You give my life meaning and purpose. You make me want to be better at everything I do. You, my love, are my purpose. If I fail at being your mother, I have failed my purpose in life. You are my ministry. Being your mother gives me meaning. I love you. In fact, the term love does not express the emotions I want to express behind it. Thank you for showing me what life is about.
Love Always,
Your MaMa
Friday, February 22, 2013
Friday's Letter
I love letters. There is so much power in the written words. Sure, words can be spoken and hold meaning. But the written words, they are a window into a soul. The written word requires a dedication of time spent. It requires thought and expression. That is why I try my best to do these letters. To express my love for those who mean the most to me. To express my joy, my trials, and everything else in between. If you read these random letters that I write, you will find my heart laid out in words.
Dear Brett Joseph Barron. It is no secret that we have had our share of struggles these past few years of marriage. I have come to the conclusion that Satan hates us because he knows that greatness lies within us. I have never loved a man like I love you. I am crazy about you and everyday, I am so grateful that you are my man. God is doing a lot in you and in me. As of tomorrow, it will be a week since we renewed our wedding vows. I gave you my forever all over again, and I will and would do it again if I had to. You are my prince.
Dear Judgement. We were friends once. Together we would belittle others in our minds. Scrutinize their mistakes and failures, and mock at their poor choices. Now, you have betrayed me as you do everyone else you befriend. You then introduced me to your friends, Guilt and Shame. I look at my past mistakes and failures and feel the mockery of you, Judgement, against me. I think of those that I have thought negative of and have judged. Now I realize that I should have befriended Grace and introduced it to others instead of you for it is Grace that I, myself need. Romans 8:1 has thought me that there is no condemnation in Christ and for those who are in Christ. Matthew 7:1 strictly warns, judge not, lest you be judged. And Romans 5:20 says that where sin abounds, so does grace. Thankfully, I am growing in my walk with Christ, and I am learning what it means to be free. You are no longer my friend, Judgement. I have a new friend now, Grace, and I am ready to introduce him to those who have been fooled by you.
Dear Aiden Hugh. Why must you grow up. You have hit a stage where you are learning to test your boundaries. I tell you "no" and you hit at me. I try to feed you, and you shake your head "no" until I give you what I am eating. Not only are you becoming this independent and testy little creature, but you are acquiring bruises and scratches. In the past 24 hours, you have managed to bump your head on three different occasions. I almost didn't go to my small group with you because I was afraid they might think I had beat you. I wish I could slow time down. You have my heart in your hands, and you are running way to fast with it. I fed you doughnuts today because you were in a poor mood. You loved them doughnuts and continued to grunt at me the entire ride back to the house in hopes for another one. I will surely miss these times one day. I of course paid for your sugar rush later with a heaping attitude towards the end of the night. But the look on your face when you discovered the sweet, sugary deliciousness of doughnut holes will forever be priceless. I love you more than you loved those sugar demon doughnuts.
Dear Mom and Dad. Some people find it strange that you both know every detail of my life. I do not find it strange. I am so grateful to have you both to mentor my husband and I on this journey of life and marriage. I was just telling Brett the other day how lucky we are to have you pour into us and challenge us to be better so that we can be used by Christ. I do not believe for one second that God sent you on a marriage cruise to ignite your marriage around the same time that Brett and I attended the Ignite Marriage Conference at our church this past weekend. Our Heavenly Father is up to something great, and I am so thankful that we have you to shine a light in front of us.
Dear Beloved Brett. I would be incomplete without you. Who else would buy me a whole entire pantry shelf full of ramen noodles because I crave them on a daily basis? I am not sure how you do it, but you have wrapped me into all your silly man shows. As of right now, our dvr holds Swamp People, Moonshiners, Doomsday Preppers, and Duck Dynasty. I still can't get the picture of Tickle lying in a soapy bathtub giving love advice for Valentine's Day out of my head. I have been traumatized for life. You are my standard, babe. No one will compare. I love you more than Tickle loves moonshine.
Dear Brett Joseph Barron. It is no secret that we have had our share of struggles these past few years of marriage. I have come to the conclusion that Satan hates us because he knows that greatness lies within us. I have never loved a man like I love you. I am crazy about you and everyday, I am so grateful that you are my man. God is doing a lot in you and in me. As of tomorrow, it will be a week since we renewed our wedding vows. I gave you my forever all over again, and I will and would do it again if I had to. You are my prince.
Dear Judgement. We were friends once. Together we would belittle others in our minds. Scrutinize their mistakes and failures, and mock at their poor choices. Now, you have betrayed me as you do everyone else you befriend. You then introduced me to your friends, Guilt and Shame. I look at my past mistakes and failures and feel the mockery of you, Judgement, against me. I think of those that I have thought negative of and have judged. Now I realize that I should have befriended Grace and introduced it to others instead of you for it is Grace that I, myself need. Romans 8:1 has thought me that there is no condemnation in Christ and for those who are in Christ. Matthew 7:1 strictly warns, judge not, lest you be judged. And Romans 5:20 says that where sin abounds, so does grace. Thankfully, I am growing in my walk with Christ, and I am learning what it means to be free. You are no longer my friend, Judgement. I have a new friend now, Grace, and I am ready to introduce him to those who have been fooled by you.
Dear Aiden Hugh. Why must you grow up. You have hit a stage where you are learning to test your boundaries. I tell you "no" and you hit at me. I try to feed you, and you shake your head "no" until I give you what I am eating. Not only are you becoming this independent and testy little creature, but you are acquiring bruises and scratches. In the past 24 hours, you have managed to bump your head on three different occasions. I almost didn't go to my small group with you because I was afraid they might think I had beat you. I wish I could slow time down. You have my heart in your hands, and you are running way to fast with it. I fed you doughnuts today because you were in a poor mood. You loved them doughnuts and continued to grunt at me the entire ride back to the house in hopes for another one. I will surely miss these times one day. I of course paid for your sugar rush later with a heaping attitude towards the end of the night. But the look on your face when you discovered the sweet, sugary deliciousness of doughnut holes will forever be priceless. I love you more than you loved those sugar demon doughnuts.
Dear Mom and Dad. Some people find it strange that you both know every detail of my life. I do not find it strange. I am so grateful to have you both to mentor my husband and I on this journey of life and marriage. I was just telling Brett the other day how lucky we are to have you pour into us and challenge us to be better so that we can be used by Christ. I do not believe for one second that God sent you on a marriage cruise to ignite your marriage around the same time that Brett and I attended the Ignite Marriage Conference at our church this past weekend. Our Heavenly Father is up to something great, and I am so thankful that we have you to shine a light in front of us.
Dear Beloved Brett. I would be incomplete without you. Who else would buy me a whole entire pantry shelf full of ramen noodles because I crave them on a daily basis? I am not sure how you do it, but you have wrapped me into all your silly man shows. As of right now, our dvr holds Swamp People, Moonshiners, Doomsday Preppers, and Duck Dynasty. I still can't get the picture of Tickle lying in a soapy bathtub giving love advice for Valentine's Day out of my head. I have been traumatized for life. You are my standard, babe. No one will compare. I love you more than Tickle loves moonshine.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Friday's letter (on a Sunday)
Dear Aiden Hugh. It is so hard not to laugh when I tell you "no" and you start to pop my hand (which is what I USED to do when I told you "no" until this started to occur). But seriously, we need to stop this habit. Dear Apartment Complex. It looks like we will be residents here for a least another six months. Please be kind to my family. Dear Daddy. Thank you for always letting me believe in love and never stifling my passion to show love to others even when it hurts. You once told me "Imagine how Christ must feel". I love our conversations. You make me believe that there is a purpose for my emotional side. Dear Future. For once in my life, I am thankful that I do not know what you hold. The not knowing forces me to either worry or to live. I choose to live. My Precious Little Man. I have learned that when God commanded man to "be fruitful", He meant to multiply who He is in us to others. I pray everyday that He equips Me to show you the truth through who I am in my everyday life. I make mistakes and I will never claim to be perfect, but I pray that you see Christ portrayed. I love you my miracle man.
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