The Martha Complex

I dropped Aiden off this morning, him crying. I walked as fast I could to my car, opened the driver's side door, plopped myself in, slammed the door shut...all before the tears could come rushing down my face. I had done everything I could to get him to school on time. I woke up early and got myself ready so by the time he woke up I would be able to spend it with him. In fact, I had to wake him up this morning which is awfully unusual being that he has an internal alarm clock that wakes him up at 5:00 on the dot every morning. But not this morning. I went in his room around 6:15 and gently tried to get him to wake up. We went downstairs, Henry Hugglemonster already on the television, and sat with his sippy cup full of milk and his hands and mouth full of blueberry muffins. I don't get much time with him so I try to make the most of the time I do have. I had him dressed and ready by 7:00. We should have walked out of the door then. But I couldn't find my car keys. Of course. I am the most absent minded person you could ever meet. I started to mentally beat myself up about it. How in the world could you lose your keys? You had everything else set out and ready to go. Of course you'd screw something up. I dug through the trash can first convinced I had thrown them away in one of my moments of absent mindedness. Nope. Searched the entire trash can. Nothing. Nada. So I ran upstairs, heels and all. I looked in my bathroom, in my closet, in Aiden's room. Finally, I looked on the night stand by my bed, and there they were. Sitting in a logical place. The very last place I would've looked. By the time I walked out of the house, crying baby in tow, it was 7:15 which meant I was gonna be caught in the Birmingham traffic. Great. I screwed my morning up already.

So I sat in the parking lot of my son's daycare, and I cried. It didn't matter because I was already going to be late. What I really wanted to do was throw myself onto the ground and pull out one of Aiden's fits. Kicking and screaming, I wanted to cry "Why me, this isn't fair". Being a mom in and of itself is a hard job. I have been a stay at home mother and I have experienced life as a mother with a husband/partner that could help and share in all the tasks. But being a single mom, well...it sucks. There really isn't a nice way to put it. There isn't family close to me to help with the extra stuff that has to get done. There isn't a husband that can entertain my son while I cook him dinner. I do it all. And it's exhausting. I try really hard to get all my ducks in a row. My time with Aiden is limited now that I work, so I make an extra effort to take advantage of the time that I do have with him. When he is sleeping is the time that I clean, shower, do laundry, finish school work, watch tv, etc. But there always seems to be a kink in the hose. And to be quite honest, it is frustrating.

When I finally gathered myself together, put my car in reverse, and backed out of my parking spot to continue on towards work, I found myself asking God, "remind me today that you have already overcome the world". This life is a struggle. I often wonder where the joy has gone. How do I conquer this boy that you have given me, God? How do I meet his needs, and my needs, and your needs...how do I do it all? "Take heart", He says. "I've overcome the world", He says. "When, God because I feel a little overcome right now". I know God probably laughs at me. These things are so trivial and fleeting and in comparison with some...they really aren't that important. But they overwhelm me. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, but sometimes, I feel alone in it.

I think about Mary and Martha when Jesus came to visit. The book of Luke, chapter 10 tells a story about how Martha had opened her home for Jesus and His disciples to visit. Martha was so distracted and busy with all the "stuff" that she needed to get done and noticed that her sister, Martha, was sitting at the feet of Jesus instead of helping her. Now, I can relate with Martha. What the heck did Martha think she was doing? We don't have time to sit. THINGS HAVE GOT TO BE DONE!!!! But Martha, she just sat there at the feet of Jesus. The story tells of how Martha asked Jesus, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me". "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” DANGIT...we might as well insert my name into His text. "Erica, Erica. You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is really needed. Sit at my feet and rest a little". If I were being honest with you, I spend very little time sitting at the feet of Jesus. I want to, but when do I fit it in? At 4:00 am before Aiden wakes up? At night when I'm already half asleep and have tons of school work waiting on me? There has been a lot of change going on in my life, and I am trying to find a new normal. The balance is hard, and I know I have left out the most important thing. Jesus. And honestly, it seems like making time for Him is just adding another "task" to my list of things "to do".

Now...don't you judge me. I know you have been there too. So how do we fix this? My pastor has often taught that serving Jesus is not a "got to" but an "I get to" thing. When our hearts are right, making time for Him is not a task. It's an honor. So that's what it has come to, guys. Getting back to the basics. Counting it joy to spend time with my Father, even if it means the dishes don't get done or my show doesn't get watched. Oh Martha, I feel your pain. Who else is going to get that boy bathed and dressed? But Mary...she got it right. The Father is here now. Let's spend time with Him. He is what is ultimately important. Everything else will fall in line. To you tired mothers. I got you. I'm there in the struggle with you. We are going to make it. Our Father sees us. He hasn't forgotten. Let's just take some time out...reaccess with our Daddy God. It's that important and vital to our making it to the next day with a sane mind. Take heart, my dear friends. Daddy God has got this!!

Changes

I find it very interesting that Mother's day was the last blog I wrote. Coincidently, Mother's day of 2013 has and will forever be a new chapter in my life. That was the day that everything changed. Without too many intimate and undisclosed details, between Mother's Day 2013 and today, I am now separated from my husband of six years. With that being said...we are all well. Aiden is 20 months old, is starting to put words together. He is happy and healthy and I couldn't ask for a more beautiful, full of life son. Brett is well. He and Aiden decided to take a trip to the Tennessee Aquarium. They were so kind and invited me to go as well. We had a wonderful time. I gave Brett and Aiden their time and I was more like the photographer. It was so nice watching the two of them together. Aiden is now able to acknowledge what is right in front of him, so he was amazed at all the fish swimming around in the huge aquariums. Brett taught Aiden how to say "Bye fishes". It comes out sounding more like "Bye pishes". The aquarium had this really neat butterfly garden and Brett was able to hold a butterfly on his finger so Aiden could see it up close. Those two can find adventure in anything, but being able to hold and see a butterfly up close was pretty exciting if I do say so myself. 

While traveling this road towards divorce, I have learned a lot about myself. I am in some ways much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am also much weaker in areas that I never thought I could be. Divorce is never fun. I am not sure that I have ever heard someone say "I loved going through my divorce. It was the best time of my life". I may not have had the best marriage, but I look back on the life that I shared with Brett, and I am thankful for the journey. I would not have experienced so many of the adventures that I did experience if I had not married Brett. Brett taught me that I can pursue anything. Especially in school. He always encouraged me to get my bachelor's degree and to not stop my education until I was satisfied. Brett taught me that I can be strong. He has often said that he knew I was much stronger than I even thought. That means a lot to me. I just started a new job recently. Aiden is currently with a babysitter, but we are hoping to get him in a daycare center soon. The one that I am looking at is close to my job which is conveinent for many reasons. Next month, I will be moving in with a great friend that I had the privelege of meeting last year. Her name is Crystal. If you remember in a few of my blogs back, I babysat her son, Rownin, for a few months. I am thankful for the provision God has made for Aiden and I. We are in a good place in life. I have great friends and family. I truly adore my new coworkers. I have met new people who enlighten and enrich my life. God is good. He is also very faithful, even....EVEN when I am not. Next month, my church is starting their new semester of small groups. I am really looking forward to joining one and getting plugged in somewhere. I don't want to walk through this particular season of my life broke and beaten down. Instead, I would rather choose to embrace it. I try to find certain things to focus my attention, time, and energy on. Work. When I am there, I focus on work. Home...cook dinner, feed Aiden, bath time, read a book, rock Aiden and enjoy the moment. Aiden is asleep...school work. That is basically my train of thought lately. In between, I find time to clean, put things away (Brett usually kept the house in order...I am a work in progress), call a few close friends, and catch up a few shows. 

  So...I have not wanted to neglect my blog. But, I wasn't too sure how I would write about this particualr season I am in right now. It's tricky because I am an open book. And ususally, by blogs reflect the season of life that I am in during that moment of writing. I have thought about writing, but the time never seemed right. I feel that I am in a better place now where I am finding the ground beneath my feet. I don't feel like I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I feel good. I am happy and content with life right now. I know who holds my future, and that truly is comforting. For those of you who do choose to read this particular blog and you know Brett and I personally but didn't know of our situation...I ask you this: Please just be respectful. If we haven't spoken to you in person about it, it is most likely because we do not wish to talk about it at the time. What you can do is pray for us. Pray that God will restore our hearts and help us find His purpose and meaning for our lives as individuals as well as parents to our precious gift of a son. God has always had a plan and a purpose for us. He (God) has not changed. We will both find His purpose. I am confident in that. And to anyone else who has gone through a divorce, is going through a divorce, fears that divorce is ahead...I am praying for and with you. We serve a MIGHTY father.

Mother's Day

I will be the first to admit that prior to Motherhood, I was a skeptic of moms.  The emotion attached seemed so made up and fake.  I had those friends who were mothers and they would claim that their whole life revolved around their children.  Our conversations would consist of their children.  They couldn't skip away for the weekend and go to the beach because they needed to be home with their children.  What kind of life did these ladies live?  A particular friend I have in mind is one of my best friends, Jessica Blackburn. For her birthday once, she asked her husband that he save a present for her and use the money for a trip to Disney.  She asked for her gift to be a gift for her son.  Really?  She knew EVERY word to every cartoon that existed and I swore if I heard Yo Gabba Gabba come on while I was there, I would run out screaming.  I did not understand my friend.  How in the world did her live revolve around being a mother?  How in the world was her life fulfilling?

I am now a mother of a WONDERFUL seventeen month boy.  With that said...I am NOW that Mother.    My world is my son.  And I get it now.  I know every word to every show that comes on the Disney Channel and I do not care (however, I STILL HATE Yo Gabba Gabba and refuse to play it in my house).  My life, my schedule, and my conversations are revolved around my son, and I could not imagine it being any other way. 

Aiden Hugh Barron,

The moment I knew I was pregnant, I feared you.  I knew you deserved the very best and I did not know that I could be the one who could do that.  I wanted to do right by you.  I spent nine months of my life in expectation and preparation for you.  You are here and my life is changed for the better.  You are a beautiful, handsome, and charming young boy.  Before you were born, I prayed constantly that God would give you the spirit of King David.  I wanted you to be a person who LOVED life and laughed as often as you could.  You do just that, my love.  You can say my name now and when you do, you scream it so I can hear.  MAAAAA-MAAAAA!!!  And as you say it, you have the biggest smile on your face.  I am so in love with you.  You have changed my life and enriched it.  You give my life meaning and purpose.  You make me want to be better at everything I do.  You, my love, are my purpose.  If I fail at being your mother, I have failed my purpose in life.  You are my ministry.  Being your mother gives me meaning.  I love you.  In fact, the term love does not express the emotions I want to express behind it.  Thank you for showing me what life is about.

Love Always,

Your MaMa

Friday's Letter

I love letters.  There is so much power in the written words.  Sure, words can be spoken and hold meaning.  But the written words, they are a window into a soul.  The written word requires a dedication of time spent.  It requires thought and expression.  That is why I try my best to do these letters.   To express my love for those who mean the most to me.  To express my joy, my trials, and everything else in between.  If you read these random letters that I write, you will find my heart laid out in words.

Dear Brett Joseph Barron.  It is no secret that we have had our share of struggles these past few years of marriage.  I have come to the conclusion that Satan hates us because he knows that greatness lies within us.  I have never loved a man like I love you.  I am crazy about you and everyday, I am so grateful that you are my man.  God is doing a lot in you and in me.  As of tomorrow, it will be a week since we renewed our wedding vows.  I gave you my forever all over again, and I will and would do it again if I had to.  You are my prince.  

Dear Judgement.  We were friends once.  Together we would belittle others in our minds.  Scrutinize their mistakes and failures, and mock at their poor choices.  Now, you have betrayed me as you do everyone else you befriend.  You then introduced me to your friends, Guilt and Shame.  I look at my past mistakes and failures and feel the mockery of you, Judgement, against me.  I think of those that I have thought negative of and have judged.  Now I realize that I should have befriended Grace and introduced it to others instead of you for it is Grace that I, myself need.  Romans 8:1 has thought me that there is no condemnation in Christ and for those who are in Christ.  Matthew 7:1 strictly warns, judge not, lest you be judged.  And Romans 5:20 says that where sin abounds, so does grace.  Thankfully, I am growing in my walk with Christ, and I am learning what it means to be free.  You are no longer my friend, Judgement.  I have a new friend now, Grace, and I am ready to introduce him to those who have been fooled by you.

Dear Aiden Hugh.  Why must you grow up.  You have hit a stage where you are learning to test your boundaries.  I tell you "no" and you hit at me.  I try to feed you, and you shake your head "no" until I give you what I am eating.  Not only are you becoming this independent and testy little creature, but you are acquiring bruises and scratches.  In the past 24 hours, you have managed to bump your head on three different occasions.  I almost didn't go to my small group with you because I was afraid they might think I had beat you.  I wish I could slow time down.  You have my heart in your hands, and you are running way to fast with it.  I fed you doughnuts today because you were in a poor mood.  You loved them doughnuts and continued to grunt at me the entire ride back to the house in hopes for another one.  I will surely miss these times one day.  I of course paid for your sugar rush later with a heaping attitude towards the end of the night.  But the look on your face when you discovered the sweet, sugary deliciousness of doughnut holes will forever be priceless.  I love you more than you loved those sugar demon doughnuts. 

Dear Mom and Dad.  Some people find it strange that you both know every detail of my life.  I do not find it strange.   I am so grateful to have you both to mentor my husband and I on this journey of life and marriage.  I was just telling Brett the other day how lucky we are to have you pour into us and challenge us to be better so that we can be used by Christ.  I do not believe for one second that God sent you on a marriage cruise to ignite your marriage around the same time that Brett and I attended the Ignite Marriage Conference at our church this past weekend.  Our Heavenly Father is up to something great, and I am so thankful that we have you to shine a light in front of us. 

Dear Beloved Brett.  I would be incomplete without you.  Who else would buy me a whole entire pantry shelf full of ramen noodles because I crave them on a daily basis?  I am not sure how you do it, but you have wrapped me into all your silly man shows.  As of right now, our dvr holds Swamp People, Moonshiners, Doomsday Preppers, and Duck Dynasty.  I still can't get the picture of Tickle lying in a soapy bathtub giving love advice for Valentine's Day out of my head.  I have been traumatized for life.  You are my standard, babe.  No one will compare.  I love you more than Tickle loves moonshine. 

Friday's letter (on a Sunday)

Dear Aiden Hugh. It is so hard not to laugh when I tell you "no" and you start to pop my hand (which is what I USED to do when I told you "no" until this started to occur). But seriously, we need to stop this habit. Dear Apartment Complex. It looks like we will be residents here for a least another six months. Please be kind to my family. Dear Daddy. Thank you for always letting me believe in love and never stifling my passion to show love to others even when it hurts. You once told me "Imagine how Christ must feel". I love our conversations. You make me believe that there is a purpose for my emotional side. Dear Future. For once in my life, I am thankful that I do not know what you hold. The not knowing forces me to either worry or to live. I choose to live. My Precious Little Man. I have learned that when God commanded man to "be fruitful", He meant to multiply who He is in us to others. I pray everyday that He equips Me to show you the truth through who I am in my everyday life. I make mistakes and I will never claim to be perfect, but I pray that you see Christ portrayed. I love you my miracle man.

Friday's Letter

My Sweet Baby Boy.  You are the light of my life.  I am amazed at the life and the love that shines through your smile.  Your daddy bought you size 4 diapers yesterday and although I know you needed the bigger size, seeing the number "4" on the side of the diaper pack made me cringe when I saw it.  You have grown so fast.  This has been a tough week for you.  Your second 1 yr molar is coming in on the right side and on top of that, you got Roseola Virus which made you run insanely high temperatures.  Mommy's heart was so broken to see you so sick.  It makes me happy to see you come back to life these past two days.  Dear Master's Degree.  I am so intimidated by you.  I hope you are worth all the debt I am going in to get you.  Dear Heart of Mine.  You are so blessed.  I want to remind you to never focus on the negative.  If you started now, you would spend the rest of your life counting the blessing that Father has showered upon you.  My Dear Little Man.  You get two letters this week.  Have I told you how much I love you?  There aren't human words to describe my love.  We have this new thing where I squirt whip cream from a can into your mouth.  Every time I go to the fridge, you point to the can of whip cream.  I feel like the coolest mom in the world when I see you open your mouth so wide in anticipation and then I get the biggest flashy smile after you've finished gulping it down.  I love you more than you love whip cream. 

Friday's Letter

Dear Brett Barron.  You are the most organized, clean freak I have ever met.  I am the exact opposite.  The good Lord only knows how messy our home would be if it weren't for your obsessive cleaning and organizing.  I must admit, it inspires me.  And on the occasional moments that I get the urge to organize, I always feel a little bit lighter.  Dear Aiden Hugh Barron.  You turned one a little over a month ago and you have already changed so much since that day.  You are not just walking.  You are running.  You copy words that I say.  You are becoming someone other than my tiny baby.  I miss my tiny baby, but I am enjoying watching you discover the world.  Dear weather.  You are insane.  Why is it so hot in January?  I want to wear my warm winter clothes and leggings as long as possible.  Dear secret that I cannot share at this time.  YOU ARE KILLING ME!!!  I am so excited to share you to everyone.  (Warning...I AM NOT PREGNANT!).  Dear Brett Joseph.  We have had a rough time this past year.  I look forward to what God has in store for us in 2013.  I remember a year ago on New Year's telling you how much I wanted 2012 to be a year that we give to God.  Satan fought us every step of the way.  God has good for our future which keeps me pressing through.  I love you more today than I did yesterday:)