Mother's Day

I will be the first to admit that prior to Motherhood, I was a skeptic of moms.  The emotion attached seemed so made up and fake.  I had those friends who were mothers and they would claim that their whole life revolved around their children.  Our conversations would consist of their children.  They couldn't skip away for the weekend and go to the beach because they needed to be home with their children.  What kind of life did these ladies live?  A particular friend I have in mind is one of my best friends, Jessica Blackburn. For her birthday once, she asked her husband that he save a present for her and use the money for a trip to Disney.  She asked for her gift to be a gift for her son.  Really?  She knew EVERY word to every cartoon that existed and I swore if I heard Yo Gabba Gabba come on while I was there, I would run out screaming.  I did not understand my friend.  How in the world did her live revolve around being a mother?  How in the world was her life fulfilling?

I am now a mother of a WONDERFUL seventeen month boy.  With that said...I am NOW that Mother.    My world is my son.  And I get it now.  I know every word to every show that comes on the Disney Channel and I do not care (however, I STILL HATE Yo Gabba Gabba and refuse to play it in my house).  My life, my schedule, and my conversations are revolved around my son, and I could not imagine it being any other way. 

Aiden Hugh Barron,

The moment I knew I was pregnant, I feared you.  I knew you deserved the very best and I did not know that I could be the one who could do that.  I wanted to do right by you.  I spent nine months of my life in expectation and preparation for you.  You are here and my life is changed for the better.  You are a beautiful, handsome, and charming young boy.  Before you were born, I prayed constantly that God would give you the spirit of King David.  I wanted you to be a person who LOVED life and laughed as often as you could.  You do just that, my love.  You can say my name now and when you do, you scream it so I can hear.  MAAAAA-MAAAAA!!!  And as you say it, you have the biggest smile on your face.  I am so in love with you.  You have changed my life and enriched it.  You give my life meaning and purpose.  You make me want to be better at everything I do.  You, my love, are my purpose.  If I fail at being your mother, I have failed my purpose in life.  You are my ministry.  Being your mother gives me meaning.  I love you.  In fact, the term love does not express the emotions I want to express behind it.  Thank you for showing me what life is about.

Love Always,

Your MaMa

Friday's Letter

I love letters.  There is so much power in the written words.  Sure, words can be spoken and hold meaning.  But the written words, they are a window into a soul.  The written word requires a dedication of time spent.  It requires thought and expression.  That is why I try my best to do these letters.   To express my love for those who mean the most to me.  To express my joy, my trials, and everything else in between.  If you read these random letters that I write, you will find my heart laid out in words.

Dear Brett Joseph Barron.  It is no secret that we have had our share of struggles these past few years of marriage.  I have come to the conclusion that Satan hates us because he knows that greatness lies within us.  I have never loved a man like I love you.  I am crazy about you and everyday, I am so grateful that you are my man.  God is doing a lot in you and in me.  As of tomorrow, it will be a week since we renewed our wedding vows.  I gave you my forever all over again, and I will and would do it again if I had to.  You are my prince.  

Dear Judgement.  We were friends once.  Together we would belittle others in our minds.  Scrutinize their mistakes and failures, and mock at their poor choices.  Now, you have betrayed me as you do everyone else you befriend.  You then introduced me to your friends, Guilt and Shame.  I look at my past mistakes and failures and feel the mockery of you, Judgement, against me.  I think of those that I have thought negative of and have judged.  Now I realize that I should have befriended Grace and introduced it to others instead of you for it is Grace that I, myself need.  Romans 8:1 has thought me that there is no condemnation in Christ and for those who are in Christ.  Matthew 7:1 strictly warns, judge not, lest you be judged.  And Romans 5:20 says that where sin abounds, so does grace.  Thankfully, I am growing in my walk with Christ, and I am learning what it means to be free.  You are no longer my friend, Judgement.  I have a new friend now, Grace, and I am ready to introduce him to those who have been fooled by you.

Dear Aiden Hugh.  Why must you grow up.  You have hit a stage where you are learning to test your boundaries.  I tell you "no" and you hit at me.  I try to feed you, and you shake your head "no" until I give you what I am eating.  Not only are you becoming this independent and testy little creature, but you are acquiring bruises and scratches.  In the past 24 hours, you have managed to bump your head on three different occasions.  I almost didn't go to my small group with you because I was afraid they might think I had beat you.  I wish I could slow time down.  You have my heart in your hands, and you are running way to fast with it.  I fed you doughnuts today because you were in a poor mood.  You loved them doughnuts and continued to grunt at me the entire ride back to the house in hopes for another one.  I will surely miss these times one day.  I of course paid for your sugar rush later with a heaping attitude towards the end of the night.  But the look on your face when you discovered the sweet, sugary deliciousness of doughnut holes will forever be priceless.  I love you more than you loved those sugar demon doughnuts. 

Dear Mom and Dad.  Some people find it strange that you both know every detail of my life.  I do not find it strange.   I am so grateful to have you both to mentor my husband and I on this journey of life and marriage.  I was just telling Brett the other day how lucky we are to have you pour into us and challenge us to be better so that we can be used by Christ.  I do not believe for one second that God sent you on a marriage cruise to ignite your marriage around the same time that Brett and I attended the Ignite Marriage Conference at our church this past weekend.  Our Heavenly Father is up to something great, and I am so thankful that we have you to shine a light in front of us. 

Dear Beloved Brett.  I would be incomplete without you.  Who else would buy me a whole entire pantry shelf full of ramen noodles because I crave them on a daily basis?  I am not sure how you do it, but you have wrapped me into all your silly man shows.  As of right now, our dvr holds Swamp People, Moonshiners, Doomsday Preppers, and Duck Dynasty.  I still can't get the picture of Tickle lying in a soapy bathtub giving love advice for Valentine's Day out of my head.  I have been traumatized for life.  You are my standard, babe.  No one will compare.  I love you more than Tickle loves moonshine. 

Friday's letter (on a Sunday)

Dear Aiden Hugh. It is so hard not to laugh when I tell you "no" and you start to pop my hand (which is what I USED to do when I told you "no" until this started to occur). But seriously, we need to stop this habit. Dear Apartment Complex. It looks like we will be residents here for a least another six months. Please be kind to my family. Dear Daddy. Thank you for always letting me believe in love and never stifling my passion to show love to others even when it hurts. You once told me "Imagine how Christ must feel". I love our conversations. You make me believe that there is a purpose for my emotional side. Dear Future. For once in my life, I am thankful that I do not know what you hold. The not knowing forces me to either worry or to live. I choose to live. My Precious Little Man. I have learned that when God commanded man to "be fruitful", He meant to multiply who He is in us to others. I pray everyday that He equips Me to show you the truth through who I am in my everyday life. I make mistakes and I will never claim to be perfect, but I pray that you see Christ portrayed. I love you my miracle man.

Friday's Letter

My Sweet Baby Boy.  You are the light of my life.  I am amazed at the life and the love that shines through your smile.  Your daddy bought you size 4 diapers yesterday and although I know you needed the bigger size, seeing the number "4" on the side of the diaper pack made me cringe when I saw it.  You have grown so fast.  This has been a tough week for you.  Your second 1 yr molar is coming in on the right side and on top of that, you got Roseola Virus which made you run insanely high temperatures.  Mommy's heart was so broken to see you so sick.  It makes me happy to see you come back to life these past two days.  Dear Master's Degree.  I am so intimidated by you.  I hope you are worth all the debt I am going in to get you.  Dear Heart of Mine.  You are so blessed.  I want to remind you to never focus on the negative.  If you started now, you would spend the rest of your life counting the blessing that Father has showered upon you.  My Dear Little Man.  You get two letters this week.  Have I told you how much I love you?  There aren't human words to describe my love.  We have this new thing where I squirt whip cream from a can into your mouth.  Every time I go to the fridge, you point to the can of whip cream.  I feel like the coolest mom in the world when I see you open your mouth so wide in anticipation and then I get the biggest flashy smile after you've finished gulping it down.  I love you more than you love whip cream. 

Friday's Letter

Dear Brett Barron.  You are the most organized, clean freak I have ever met.  I am the exact opposite.  The good Lord only knows how messy our home would be if it weren't for your obsessive cleaning and organizing.  I must admit, it inspires me.  And on the occasional moments that I get the urge to organize, I always feel a little bit lighter.  Dear Aiden Hugh Barron.  You turned one a little over a month ago and you have already changed so much since that day.  You are not just walking.  You are running.  You copy words that I say.  You are becoming someone other than my tiny baby.  I miss my tiny baby, but I am enjoying watching you discover the world.  Dear weather.  You are insane.  Why is it so hot in January?  I want to wear my warm winter clothes and leggings as long as possible.  Dear secret that I cannot share at this time.  YOU ARE KILLING ME!!!  I am so excited to share you to everyone.  (Warning...I AM NOT PREGNANT!).  Dear Brett Joseph.  We have had a rough time this past year.  I look forward to what God has in store for us in 2013.  I remember a year ago on New Year's telling you how much I wanted 2012 to be a year that we give to God.  Satan fought us every step of the way.  God has good for our future which keeps me pressing through.  I love you more today than I did yesterday:)

Friday's Letter

Dear Mr. Barron.  You have been working late nights for the past two weeks.  I am not a fan.  What I am a fan of is the sweet cuddles that I get when you finally climb into bed.  I am so glad that you are not too tired to show a girl some loving.  Dear Gina.  I love that your way of getting revenge to someone who is rude to you is by being considerable sweet back to them.  I saw you work this magic twice on two different occasions whilst in Wal-Mart.  Your kindness is so convincing even I thought you were being nice.  Only you would get revenge by being kind.  Dear Aiden.  You are hilarious.  Your sense of humor astounds me.  I'm pretty sure you get it from your mother.  Dear Egg Nog.  Your festive taste warms my heart.  Whether it is alone in a glass or added to my coffee in the morning, you are a welcomed guest in my home.  If only you weren't so fattening.  Dear Brett Joseph.  You. Are. Adorable.  I pointed out how you whine when you are considerably tired the other night and you continued to whine about how you do not whine.  So precious.  You can whine all you want, babe.  You work hard enough to deserve that privilege.  I love you more than I love cuddling!

The Missing Mother.

Now that Aiden has turned one, I have found myself looking back at pictures from the past year.  There are many, MANY pictures.  Each picture holds a special memory of that moment shared.  There is one thing that I noticed in all of these amazing pictures.  I am missing in many of them.  I see the pictures.  I remember the moment.  But I am not there in the picture.  "Where were you?", I asked myself.  Then it dawned on me.  I took these pictures.  There are several pictures of Aiden with many of our friends and family.  People that we love and adore more than anything.  Now, don't misunderstand me.  There are pictures of Aiden and I.  But these pictures are posed.  Many of them I had to ask someone, "Could you please take a picture of me with Aiden".  I spend everyday with my son.  I feed him, bathe him, play with him on the floor for hours at a time, sing to him, make funny faces and do silly dances to keep him from crying, take him to his doctor appointments, rock him to sleep, and change almost every diaper he has ever had.  I am always there with him.  Why are there not more pictures of us together?  Well, for one, it is usually just Aiden and I.  My husband works hard everyday and he's a man.  It's not like he thinks of taking pictures.  And to be honest, it is not like I would want him to.  I am most likely in a t-shirt, sweatpants, no make-up, hair tangled in a fallen bun.  Why would I want him to take pictures of me in that manner?  I guess when I saw that there weren't many candid pictures of Aiden and I, it upset me because I am always there.  I felt like Aiden would look back and wonder, "Where's mommy".  If you are a mother, you have most likely shared a familiar sentiment.  You are the one who captures those precious moments of your children.  Here's the thing.  It's okay to be missing out of these pictures.  Why?  Because you WERE there.   The entire time, you were the one in the moment.  If there is one thing that I have learned being a mother it is to enjoy the moments.  Even the bad ones when your baby is nonstop crying and you are working on little to no sleep.  These moments are not enjoyable.  Trust me, I know.  But they are moments to treasure because you were the one who was there to rock that sweet baby to sleep and let them know everything is okay.  Pictures fade.  And sometimes, pictures cause you to interrupt the moment.  I wish there were more candid pictures of Aiden and I, but I would not trade the moments that I had experienced for the sake of a picture.  If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a memory must be worth a lifetime.  There might not be a picture of the many times that Aiden and I went for strolls in the park, or the time that we fell asleep on the couch while watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse at 4am in the morning.  There isn't a picture of the time that I made Aiden laugh by doing this ridiculous dance in the kitchen.  But I have my memories.  These precious memories of our time spent together.  I remember my first night having to rock him in my brand new rocking chair.  I wasn't even angry or aggravated.  I was weirdly proud and excited to be the one that my baby needed to put him to sleep again.  I will never forget that night.  The picture is forever graved in my mind and carved in my heart.  So to you amazing, warrior like mothers.  Be encouraged.  You may be missing in many of your family photos, but you will forever be present in the lives of your children and in their hearts. 

This is one of my favorite pictures of Aiden and I.  We were posing for my husband to take a picture and my sweet sister snapped this picture with my phone without me knowing.  So I do in fact have a few "candid" pictures :)