Celebrating Brittany

Like clockwork, October follows September and the change begins.  The trees have not only started changing their colors, but losing their leaves as well.  Something different hovers in the air.  And like clockwork, every October makes me think of her, my friend Brittany.  I met Brittany when I was hired as the store manager for a boutique in Mobile, AL.  I developed very close relationships with all of the employees there.  We weren't just coworkers.  We were a family filled with beautiful girls inside and out.  Brittany brought humor to our family.  She always made us laugh.  She was a kind heart with a healthy balance of brutal honesty.  If you know her, you know what I mean:) Can we all just take a moment to pause and reflect on that face she would make when she did not approve!!!  You couldn't help but laugh!!  She was brilliantly smart but gracefully down to earth and relatable.  Every October, all of us girls knew that her birthday was coming.  Brittany's birthday is on Halloween.  Every year, we all knew that she would be leaving on a shopping trip to Birmingham for the weekend with her Step Mom and grandmother.  We all were slightly jealous but couldn't wait for her to get back and show off all the goodies she got while away. 

I moved to Birmingham in 2012 and one of my first thoughts was "I know I will at least see Brittany in October".  It was comforting actually to know that I could be in a new place but something old and familiar would come around even if for once a year.  The last time I saw Brittany was at a mutual friends wedding, Emily and Jonathan Golden.  We sat at the reception tables, with her fiancé John, talking about the day they would marry.  Even as I write this, my heart aches with the knowledge I have now.  I didn't know it then, but that would be the last day I would see my friend Brittany.  I wish I would have held her longer before I had to leave and make the drive back to Birmingham.  I had planned to see Brittany the following May at another wedding.  But this time, it was supposed to be her and John's wedding.  Fast forward to April 2014.  Only seven months ago.  A week before her wedding, Brittany was tragically killed in a car accident.  The plans I made to see my beautiful friend again walking down the aisle to marry her sweet John were drastically changed. 

October came this year and thoughts of Brittany filled my mind.  The color of the trees make me think of her.  The smell of the season and the cold chill in the air makes me think of her.  This was her month.  Brittany's life was such a beautiful story of strength and joy.  I never saw Brittany stay defeated or in a rut.  She found purpose in life and made things happen.  She found love with John and was ready to be his wife and take on the role of a basketball wife.  She was so many things to so many people.  To me, October will always belong to Brittany.  Her life should be celebrated.  It was a beautiful life. I'm inspired by Brittany to have my life reflect the same joy and strength.  Tomorrow, October 31, 2014, I will be trick or treating along with my son.  But in my heart, I will be rejoicing and celebrating the life lived by the beautiful, talented, and spirited Brittany Huber. 

My Secret Revealed

A few months ago, I wrote a blog called "The Aftermath".  I had felt lead to share with others my experience through my divorce and what I learned through the journey.  I really had no expectations except that maybe others would know that they weren't alone.  I never imagined the response I would get after I posted the blog.  More than that, I never imagined that weeks, even months later, I would have friends, acquaintances, and even strangers reach out to me for advice or simply request prayer for their own journey through a broken relationship.  My heart is so grieved with the destruction of so many relationships and the evident attack of the enemy in the area of relationships and families.  Many of you who have reached out to me have shared your story, and as you share your experience, my heart cries out to the Father on your behalf.  Everyone of you have wanted an answer to the questions.  The secret to overcoming the pain.  Out of overwhelming love and passion to see God win in your life,   I have a response.  

1)  Jesus

It is the only true answer I have to give you.  Any other advise I have to offer flows from this one response.  In fact, He is the only factor in our life that is constant.  When we marry, it is forever.  Once that vision for our lives is stripped away, what once was viewed as constant becomes questioned or gone completely.  Psalms 73:26 says "My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,   but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever".  This verse is so comforting to me.  Even when I have been abandoned, my Father remains a strength that I can depend on.  He has promised us in Deuteronomy 31:6 that He would "neither fail you nor abandon you".  That's a pretty bold statement for Him to make.  What separates God from the other people in our lives who have made promises that were later broken is the fact that He is not a liar.  So my answer to you is Jesus.  Turn to Him.  

2) Praise

This is where it gets annoying and a little cliche.  Most of us have heard the very spiritual phrase "praise Him in the storm".  There are songs about it.  The phrase has been turned into cute little pinterest quotes with pretty little backgrounds of the sky or ocean that make it seem so simple to do.  Let me be completely honest with you....It's stinking hard.  In fact, it is the hardest aspect of going through a trial.  Trials have a tendency of making us only see the situation that we are in.  But praise...spending time with our Father refocuses our mind.  I love how David boldly tells God in Psalms 141:8 "But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign Lord; in you I take refuge-do not give me over to death".  I feel that many people dealing with grief can attest to the feeling of death that you feel on the inside.  Walking through my divorce, there were days that I felt like a robot.  I did enough to simply get through the day.  I look back and am amazed that I made it out of that time period alive because I felt dead on the inside.  When we praise our Father, things change on the inside.  Our focus turns from our issues and our spiritual eyes are opened to His goodness and His faithfulness.  

3) Find a purpose bigger than your problem

I was driving home one weekend from visiting my parents.  I came by way of the interstate.  I usually took 280, but this particular time I had decided to come I65.  My son was with his father that weekend, and my heart was not in a good place.  I had taken major steps away from God at the time and was in a very broken place.  As I was driving, I noticed a larger man on the opposite side of the interstate walking towards the next exit.  He was limping.  A little ways behind him was a truck.  He still had a ways to go before he got to the exit.  Before I could allow myself to think rationally, I drove my car over the grass that separated the two sides of the interstate and first stopped behind the parked truck that seemed to belong to the man ahead.  Indeed, I found a beautiful older woman who was his girlfriend.  She was in tears.  She explained that they had just left the hospital.  He had fluid building in his knees and had to have them drained.  And now their truck has run out of gas and they didn't have much money to get any more.  They were just hoping they could make it home on the gas they had.  So I assured the lady I would help and I drove on ahead and picked the man up.  He was so tall he barely fit into my car.  Long story short, I helped them get gas for their truck, and prayed with them before I left.  Mind you...this was probably the first time I spoke with God in a long time.  The couple was continually thanking me.  But as I left, I found myself in complete tears thankful that I had the opportunity to meet this couple.  Helping them softened my heart to a need outside of my own.  It reminded me of the good in this world.  And the bible tells us that every good and perfect thing comes from the Father.  That act of kindness in some way connected my heart to God again.  My heart that was growing hard felt His love again through an act of service.  

4) Think on these things

You might not have the answer or get the answer. That is a really tough pill for me to swallow.  I will replay a scenario over and over in my mind trying to dissect it and pinpoint where things went wrong.  Doing that is like drinking poison.  It poisons your heart and your mind.  Your thoughts are consumed and your focus is thrown.  Philippians 4:8 tells us to think on the things that are noble, pure, right, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy or excellent. These are the things that demand our thoughts.  Because we become what our thoughts are.  My thoughts were leading me nowhere but into a state of confusion and depression.  Thinking on the positive not only helped change things on the inside, but on the outside as well.  I smiled more often.  I laughed.  Which was so therapeutic and needed after coming out of the desert (metaphorically speaking).  

5)Find your family

By this, I mean your spiritual family.  While I value the importance of the biological family, it is not the family I am speaking of.  Almost two years ago, I was a stay at home mother, with little money to get gas for the car and get out of the house.  I had a colicky son.  Bath times were scarce to come by.  Meeting people...that was out of the question.  When I did attend church, it consisted of me and other breast feeding mothers huddled up listening to the message in the provided Nursing Room.  I begged God everyday to bring people into my life.  Psalms 68:6 tells us that God sets the lonely in families.  I smile thinking about that period of my life, begging Him to bring me friends.  Two years later, I am abundantly blessed with people who love the Lord and push me closer to Him, and yet at the same time, love me like family.  My Father's faithfulness is real and He wants us in families within the body of Christ.  Join a small group.  Find a way to connect.  Serve with others and make new friends.  You never know who will become your family.  


And finally, rest in the promise that the Lord is near to those who have hearts that are broken (Psalms 34:18-19).  David exclaims in Psalms 118:17 "I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord". The truth is...I don't have any secret answers or magic tricks.  I still struggle from my divorce.  The struggle looks different than it did a year ago.  Now it is more of parenting, managing my time/finances and still learning how to get everything accomplished while raising a growing boy.  I'm learning how to be alone physically but acknowledge God's ever presence and constant companionship.  There are still struggles.  But like David, as long as I am alive, I am determined to tell others of His goodness while openly claiming that I am very flawed.  There is hope, sweet friend.  I know your heart is breaking and you want to know why.  I wish I could hold you and help wipe your tears and assure you that it will get better.  Please know that our Father sees you and He loves you so much.  He has seen every tear that you have shed and He has heard every prayer that you have prayed.  He has not forgotten you.  Take hold of his mercies that are new every morning.  Grab on to His promise and find hope in His Word.  I encourage you to find the answers you are seeking in Him.  He is the only answer, the great mystery of joy in trials, and the secret revealed.  

Faithfulness in the Catching

Yesterday, as I was walking out of work, I heard the laughter of children playing.  I glanced in the distance to my far right, and there they were gathered altogether.  There must have been about five or six of them.  The sun was glaring, so I had to squint, but the smiles across their face was as plain as if I were seeing it face to face.  As I continued walking to my car, I thought of the sweet innocence of children and how little and few their worries are and how I missed that.  Well, these thoughts began a series of more thoughts that led me to a memory of my father and I when I was younger.  As a child, my daddy could be in close proximity, and I would jump towards him from whatever object I was on top of.  The idea that he would not catch me never entered into my thoughts.  My childlike heart just knew that he would not let me fall.  I did this countless times.  Without him being aware of my intentions even, I would jump.  And he always caught me.  Every time.  It didn't matter how far away I was or how awkward the catch might have been to make, he always caught me.  Now, remember I am driving, and so this memory is playing in my mind, and tears start rolling down my face as I am seeing this mental picture in my head.  A picture of my father, dependable and trust worthy, catching me no matter how difficult the feat might have been. 

Is that not what our Heavenly Daddy does for us?  I have made many decisions in my life, and some of which have left me in awkward and difficult life positions.  And He still caught me.  I mean, I am overwhelmed with the thought. 

Read what David says about his similar situation in Psalms 40:1-10.

"I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened. He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud. He stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn’t slip. He taught me how to sing the latest God-song, a praise-song to our God. More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery, abandoning themselves to God. Blessed are you who give yourselves over to God, turn your backs on the world’s “sure thing,” ignore what the world worships;The world’s a huge stockpile of God-wonders and God-thoughts. Nothing and no one comes close to you! I start talking about you, telling what I know, and quickly run out of words. Neither numbers nor words account for you. Doing something for you, bringing something to you—that’s not what you’re after. Being religious, acting pious—that’s not what you’re asking for. You’ve opened my ears so I can listen. So I answered, “I’m coming. I read in your letter what you wrote about me, And I’m coming to the party you’re throwing for me.” That’s when God’s Word entered my life, became part of my very being.  I’ve preached you to the whole congregation, I’ve kept back nothing, God—you know that. I didn’t keep the news of your ways a secret, didn’t keep it to myself. I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough. I didn’t hold back pieces of love and truth for myself alone. I told it all, let the congregation know the whole story"

In my very truest and honest form, I am flawed.  Unworthy and completely in need of a Savior.  A Father who will save.  My heart is so overwhelmed with His goodness and his undeserved, sweet and pure love.  A heart is not to far and a fall is not too difficult for our Father to catch us and save us from.  As a child, I knew that my father would catch me.  But as an adult, it is still hard sometimes for my heart to believe that my Heavenly Father would still want to catch me, or even be aware that I am in need.  The truth, as David describes in Psalms, is that He is will catch us.  He places on a solid rock, which I believe is His Word, which gives us a solid foundation to continue on in this life.  Maybe you have jumped and you are waiting to be caught.  I have great news, your fall isn't too deep or unnoticed for the Father to catch you and place you upon that high rock!!!

Have you ever felt this way?  How has God shown you His faithfulness in the catching?

Ode to "The Mom"

My earliest memory of you happens to be one of my favorite memories with you. You were getting ready to go grocery shopping and asked me to go with you. I remember the feeling of being chosen and wanted when you asked. I climbed into the passenger seat of the car and to this day, I am not sure if I asked a question or made a statement. But I will always remember what happened after. I called you "mom" for the first time. I remember the look on your face. You were shocked. Tears started forming in your eyes, and for a moment I thought I might have said something wrong. I followed my statement with "Is it ok that I call you mom". You were so happy, and from that day, I knew you as nothing but my mother.

We don't need to go into details about our past with my biological mother because YOU have fulfilled every ounce of the term and definition of what a mother is. I remember seeing you on your knees praying in the front of our church. I knew you were praying for me and Gina. And I knew, mama, because of your time spent on your knees praying to our Father, that we would win the fight. And we did. God won the fight for us.

I remember having nightmares. We lived in the blue house. Every night you would scoop me up out of bed and carry me into the living room. You would turn on the tape that played the sounds of waves crashing on the beach and seagulls singing in the background. I would sit on your lap as you rocked me back and forth. Back and forth we would rock and you would sing hymns in my ear. One night, I just could not fall back asleep. You took me outside to our back yard and we picked roses from the bush that sat against our house. Then we sat on the steps and looked at the stars and the moon in the night sky. When we came in, you put the flowers in a vase and told me that it would be our secret. We wouldn't tell anyone how or why the flowers got there. You will never know how warm my heart felt to be the one to sneak out of the house with you and pick flowers. It was easy to fall asleep after that night because of the feeling in my heart. It was a feeling of true love.

Do you remember the Christmas when I was afraid that Santa wouldn't know where to find us? You had Daddy call him the Eve of Christmas to let him know that we were "home" with you and Daddy. You tease me because I still refer to the lake as my home. I know that I don't live there anymore, but I see it as my home because that is where you and Daddy are. If you were in Canada, then Canada would become my home.

I was a teenager and we had one of our horrible fights. I told you horrible things out of anger. You made me get in the van. I was so angry and yet I knew I should not have been ugly towards you but I wasn't sure how to tell you I was sorry. You drove me to the park that sits behind the Tallassee Elementary school and we walked to the swings. I honestly do not remember our conversation that day. But I remember something changed. I saw through my teenaged female hormones that you were a constant in my life. I also saw the pain and hurt that I had caused to a woman who did everything for me. I know that I still had my teenage moments after that day but never again would I take you for granted.

You made a lot of sacrifices to be my mother. I honestly don't think you even see them as sacrifices, but that's what they were. You loved me like your own. You never entitled yourself as a mother, but I knew as a young child that you were what a mother should be. You never did for yourself because you made sure that Gina and I had everything we ever needed or wanted. You bravely fought for our lives.

The past few years have been a series of trials for me. There were times I felt like giving up. But you wouldn't let me. You showed me love, sometimes tough love but love nonetheless. I drew from your strength. I am the woman and mother I am today because of you. As I write this, tears are literally pouring down my face. God chose you to be my mother. He knew I would need you to teach me about His love. And you knew I would need Him to survive this life.

I will never ever be able to tell you in the human language how much love and gratitude I have for you. There aren't words in the English language but I will attempt to do my best. I love you, mommy. I am grateful for your sacrifice. I am thankful for the spiritual and physical battles you fought with me in mind. Thank you for encouraging me to dream big. Thank you for encouraging me to travel. Thank you for introducing me to a variety of music that included but was not limited to Frank Sinatra, The Carpenters, Michael Bolton, Neil Diamond, Wilson Phillips, The Beach Boys, Elton John, Carly Simon, and so so much more. Thank you for pushing me to achieve and be great. Thank you for screening the music I listened to and the movies I watched. Thank you for giving me a curfew. Thank you for teaching me to have standards. Thank you for teaching me how to put on make up and shave my legs. Thank you for teaching me the beauty of sitting still with a cup of coffee and nothing but the sound of silence. Thank you for showing me what strength looks like. Thank you for encouraging me to be a woman after the heart of the Father. Thank you for telling me about Jesus and His love for me. For everything you have done and will do, I am grateful. You are my home. You are my strength and encouragement. You are my mom. I love you, mommy, and I am so grateful that I am yours!!

Bless the Lord, Oh My Soul

Every morning, I try to wake up a little earlier than my sweet son so that I can spend a few moments in prayer and worship to my Father. A phone call from a friend on Tuesday morning changed the way I have spent my morning fellowship with the Lord. This was the phone call that told me that my dear and precious friend, Brittany Huber, had passed away the night before in a tragic car wreck that stole her life and left her fiancé injured and in the hospital just days before they were to be married. Since that phone call, I have found myself experiencing many questions for my father. I have gone through the feeling of shock and disbelief. I have felt very real the pain of loss, anger, and hurt that such a sweet soul would be taken from this Earth. In fact, it felt unfair that life could keep going when someone so special to me was no longer here. For over a year, I have been planning for her special day, May 3, 2014, when I, along with many...many others, would watch as she married the love of her life, John Redman. Today, May 1, 2014, I no longer have plans to watch my friend walk down the aisle in the wedding dress that she chose for her special day. Instead, I will be traveling four and a half hours as they lay her body to rest.

The past few days, I have found myself relating to King David in so many ways. Psalm 102 is actually David pouring out his heart and soul to the Father. In this chapter, David expresses his feelings of affliction and weariness. In fact, Psalm 102, verses 1 through 11 is basically a description of David pitching a fit with the Lord. Like David, I have spent these few days pitching my fit with the Father. What I find interesting about David is that he continues on with his fellowship to the Father and as he does, his words change from complaining to singing praises to the Father. David begins to remind Himself of who God is. Skip over to Psalm 103, David actually COMMANDS his soul to "Praise the Lord and forget not all his benefits" (NIV Translation). As I was praying and seeking God this morning, the song "10,000 Reasons" from Matt Redman came on. The song is taken from Psalm 103. Immediately, I felt the presence of God in my small bathroom and the Holy Spirit quickening me to command my soul to bless the Lord, even when I do not understand the trials in this life or the reason for Brittany's passing. Like David, even in my heartache, I had to demand my emotions to praise God in the midst of my confusion and pain and remind myself that the Lord is Sovereign.

I shared with a friend of mine this week that as I was praying and worshipping the Father, I had a realization that I was on this side of heaven worshipping the Father, but Brittany...she is now on the other side worshipping Him face to face. And for a moment, I longed to be with her and was jealous that she is now free from the troubles of this world now standing forever in the presence of a Holy God.

My heart is still breaking, I know along with many others. I do not understand this life and its hardships. I long for this all to be only a nightmare. In the midst of this storm, that so many others are also facing, I pray for Brittany's family, her fiancé John, and his family, and the people who were touched by their life and relationship. God is a sovereign God, and through Brittany's story, so many lives are being touched and changed. I am so thankful for the life of Brittany Huber and her story of strength, adversity, and pure joy. Knowing her is one of my 10,000 reasons to command my soul to "bless the Lord" even when my heart does not understand.

Brittany and I after Emily's wedding

Brittany, Me, and Cheryl after Maya's wedding



Brittany with Aiden at the hospital after he was born.



This was at San Miguels in Mobile, AL.  We were celebrating Tabitha's birthday.  This was also when I told them I was pregnant. 

This picture was taken at Bonefish Grill right before I moved from Mobile to Birmingham. 

This picture was taken at Cheryl's house while celebrating baby Aiden.



The day that Brittany got to be a model for Lotus Boutique.




Maya's Wedding



To You Brave Souls...

I admire the brave souls that wake up each day with a purpose. Sometimes that purpose is to change the world. Sometimes, it is just to make through the day without yelling at someone. Either way, the courage that comes with completing the day is admirable. And the ones that complete the day and touch other's along the way are simply treaures in this world.

I've met several people in my twenty seven years of life. I value the people I come in contact with. The contact could be brief. There are those who I met for a moment and their impact on me will last a lifetime. There are some that were in my life for a season and that season has come and gone. Yet, I will remember the mark they left on my life.

The first person outside of my family that I remember impacted me was an African American man that my father brought home to visit one afternoon. My father introduced him to me as his brother, and I will never forget the smile that was on this man's face. It was radiant, and in my child like mind, I truly believed that man was my father's brother. I must've been five or six at the time because my younger brother wasn't born yet. But the smile and the happiness that radiated from that man will never be forgotten.

My first grade teacher, Mrs. Debbie Jones, was a beautiful woman. Her parents owned a house beside ours on the lake, and I always felt a special connection with her. She was kind and made me feel important and cared for. I can't tell you exactly what it was that she did to make me love her so, but I did.

Mrs. Gwen was a lady that lived in a trailer behind mine when I first moved to Atmore, AL as a newlywed. I felt like I was living in the desert isolated from my friends and family. This woman took me in. She would stand on her front porch that faced my back porch and holler out in her true country fashion "Yoooohoooo, suppa's ready". I weighed more than I ever have in my life during my time in Atmore, but the presence of this woman in my life was worth every pound.

I had surgery not too long ago. As I was being prepped for surgery, the lady that was my nurse was sharing her love for her job and the opportunity God has given her to share His love. I didn't tell the woman I was a believer as well simply because I enjoyed hearing her share. I can't remember her name, but her face and her soft voice is ever present in my mind.

I met this man while traveling in ministry several years ago. We recently reconnected. He reminds me of the grumpy cat. He's not the most optimistic person ever. But he was a good friend to me in a time when I needed one. Even in his pessimistic moments, he finds beauty in the most precious of things. I would rather choose the word "realist" because in all honesty, he has a tremendously kind heart and I felt honored that I saw glimpses of it.

So many people I have met in passing. Seasons brought some to stay, but most of these people I will probably never see or talk to again. I think of how everyone has their own story. Some of the individual mentioned above, I do know their story and it isn't kind. Some, I will never know. The common denominator that they each have in common is they made a positive impact on my life. I think it takes great courage for people to wake up and face a new day. It takes real bravery to be a positive light in a world that seems to suck it out of you. So tonight, as I write this blog, I want to salute all you brave souls that are salt to a bland world. I salute you single mothers who struggle to pay the bills and keep the kids fed. You amaze me. I salute you individuals that have given up maybe your own dreams so that you can provide for your families. I salute you teachers who make an impact on the minds and the lives of our nations children. To the men who are present in their children’s lives. I salute you. To the people who wake up and are determined to face the new day with even an ounce of hope. You are special to me. You are courageous. I salute you brave souls.

The Aftermath

I am a pretty open book. I do not tend to shy away from honesty. Especially when it comes to my private life. As most of you who read my blogs know, I recently got a divorce in September. The emotional process after the divorce has been so different from what I mentally pictured it would be. In my mind, the moments leading up to the divorce, I just wanted it all over with. I thought the divorce would bring an end to the hurt my heart was feeling. Let me be clear in this...The hurt did not end. And in my hurt, here are a few things I have learned.

1. Losing a marriage is comparable to death. Except in a divorce, the person isn't gone. Their presence on this earth still leaves you with questions. Did I do everything I could to save my marriage? Am I a bad parent for going through this divorce? What did I do wrong in my marriage? What could/should I have done differently? Is there a possibility of reconciliation? Will my child resent me? These are feelings and thoughts that literally haunt my mind and trouble my heart, if not daily, at least a good few times a week. The absence of that spouse is ever present in your mind and in your life. I see it in my finances. I feel it in the stress of being a working mother and provider for my child. On days when I would have normally had my husband help with chores around the house, I now am the sole care taker/laundry folder/dinner making/bath giving/entertainer extraordinaire. I feel the loss of my husband every day in these tiny aspects of my daily life.

2. It is okay to grieve. In fact, YOU NEED TO. Grieving is a natural part of this process. I believe that in this modern time, people love and lose all too quickly and easily. I am very different from that. I love hard. I pledged my forever to a man and now that forever is no longer there. Many will offer you their advice and sweet concerns. Words such as "You deserved better" or "Someone is going to come along and treat you better" are phrases that people say with good intentions, but it doesn't really heal that wound. I don't care how horrible a spouse was to you, those words do not help. There are times when my throat and heart feel as if they are sitting at the pit of my stomach. The weight of it feels heavy and makes it hard to breathe. These feelings are very normal although they are a horrible emotion for a human to feel. Allow yourself to feel this. You lost your forever. If you can honestly say that you did not grieve or feel bad after a relationship has met its end, then I do not believe your heart was in that relationship.

3. It is going to take time. Some days, I feel fine. Then there are days when I feel the remorse and the overwhelming feeling of loss all over again. Grieving is a process. Let it happen.

4. Self-care. It is important to take care of yourself during this time. I don't mean go on shopping sprees. If you have or are experiencing a divorce, you know we ain't got that money...hehehe. What I do mean is do little things that bring you joy. Turn the music up loud and dance if that is what comforts you. Take a few extra minutes in your morning and make yourself that cup of coffee you always forget to do. Rock your son to sleep, and when he falls asleep, keep rocking him. I found that when I got a divorce, I threw myself into a robotic routine. In order to numb out the pain, I kept myself busy. I realized one day while rocking my son to sleep that I was watching and waiting for the clock to hit at exactly 8:00pm so I could put him in his crib and start on my school work. I realized how sad it was that I was defining my life through silly robotic routines. I made a vow then and there to take the extra time to rock him; even it means he is passed out with drool dripping down my numb arm. These are the things that bring me joy. What brings you joy? Allow yourself time to do and experience them. Bask in it. Taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to feel moments of happiness and pure joy is so important during this grieving process. **Side note. As long as these things are healthy and are not physically or emotionally harmful to you or anyone else.

5. You do not owe anybody an answer. I started seeing a counselor after my divorce. One of the repetitive things that kept creeping up is my fear of having to owe people an answer. This might not be something you experienced, but for me, I felt that people expected something from me that I could not offer. The advice my counselor gave was this: Set out whatever amount of time that you would like and tell yourself and everyone else involved that you will not be making any life changing decisions in this allotted amount of time. This was huge for me. It was a moment that I realized I did not owe anybody anything. The person I answer to is myself (and my son). At the end of the day, your focus should be on you and what it takes to get through this valley. Because that is what this is. It is a valley. But valleys can be a great adventure as well.

6. Don't be stupid. Let's be honest. I've made several stupid decisions since my divorce in a poor attempt to feel whole or empowered again. I spent money on credit cards that were already close to being maxxed out. I tried the bar/dating scene. These characteristics just are not me. I am deep down a girl who likes to be at home surrounded by people I love, in my pajamas, with a glass of wine and or coffee in hand(don't judge me), watching a good movie. Continue to be yourself. Trying to fill a void is just what it is. It is an attempt to fit something into a spot where it doesn't belong. Now don't get me wrong. I enjoy my time with a girlfriend eating good food and having a good margarita. But the excess of any of that is just not who I am. If it doesn't feel natural or right, then it isn't. Walk away. Anyone who doesn't support you in this is just not good for you and you should not walk, but run from them.

7. Pull the wise close. When I went through my divorce, it was the first time in my life that I had ever felt that God did not love/care about me. I pushed God and anything that seemed wise away. It hurt too much for me. I had begged God to restore my marriage and family and it didn't happen. With that said, I just did not want to hear reason. Everything that made sense to me before was suddenly challenged. I went to church only to keep some kind of conviction in my life. I was scared that if I didn't, my heart would become completely hard. I am glad that I made this decision. In the midst of my storm, God was still speaking through the only outlet I would give Him. I just joined a small group at church. It was the best decision I made. My heart still hurts and the bars camped up around it is still sealed tight. But I feel a softening coming. Allow wisdom in your life. Don't just hear it. Listen. Allow wisdom to sink in your heart and direct your path. As hard as it is to believe it, God still has a plan in all of this. I am literally telling myself this everyday...my mind knows it; my heart just doesn't feel it. That's okay. It will come. The willingness to be open to it is a start in the right direction.

8. You are not ready to give yourself away. Just stop trying. This is a hard pill for me to swallow. In my marriage, my spouse had a hard time allowing me to show them love. My thoughts were this "If I could just find someone that will love me and allow me to love them back, I will be okay". WRONG. I'm not ready. You aren't ready. Even if I were to reconcile with my ex-husband, the time right now is not right. The grieving process is still taking place. It is so important that you allow yourself to grieve. Feel everything it has. With that said, you cannot grieve the loss of your marriage and be whole enough to give yourself away to a new person. It is unfair to you and that person to pretend to do so. I'm not saying don't date or have a good time with friends. Dating is fine. It's good to have a reason to get dressed up and have a good dinner. But be clear and honest about your intentions.

9. Allow yourself time to cry. My time is in the car when my son is not in there with me. It is also at night when I'm alone. After the crying is done, pick yourself up and get on with your day. Crying is not weak. However, it is also not appropriate at certain times. I started crying on the way home one day and my son was in the back seat of the car. I was lost in my emotions and then I heard my son start to cry. He was crying because I was. That was when I realized that I need to take my crying self somewhere else. There is a time and a place for your tears. It is okay to cry, but at the right time and place.

10. This is not about them. It's about you. I have heard people try to self-motivate themselves during their divorce by focusing on the flaws of their spouse. "You're better off anyways" "They don't deserve you". Blah blah blah blah blah. Stop it. Just stop it. You are divorced. This is not about them anymore. It is about you. Focus on yourself. What can you change? How can you be a better person/parent/coworker/friend? Concentrating on the flaws of someone else is a weak attempt at trying to feel better. Be strong enough to admit that you have crap you need to deal with and then DEAL WITH IT.

Listen, I do not have it together. I am learning. A few months ago, I was driving in downtown Birmingham. As I came to a stoplight, I noticed what I assumed to be a mother and her son who appeared to be around the age of 10 or 11. The first thing I did was look at her hand. There was no ring on it. I watched these two walk across the street together. They were holding hands and to my surprise, laughing. I do not know their story. I didn't get out of my car or yell out at the woman from my car window to ask them. What I do know is there wasn't a father walking with them or a ring on her hand. I felt God saying to my spirit, "You will laugh again". As I said, this was a few months ago, and I still have my days where life seems like it is in complete and utter shambles. But I think about that mother and son and deep down, I know things will be okay. If you are like me and you believe in love, then you have this deep desire to feel it again. Let me tell you this...You can't love out of a heart that is broken and insecure. No man (or woman) wants to be with someone who needs them to fill a void. God did not create a spouse to fill a void that only He Himself can fill. A spouse is supposed to compliment you, not complete you. Don't put that expectation on yourself or on someone else. Allow yourself time to heal. Joy will come. The laughter will come. The pain will subside. It's got to. Life has its troubles, but in the words of the infamous rock band, Poison, "Every night has its dawn". And like a true southern belle, let me leave you with the words of both Scarlett O'Hara from Gone with the Wind and Claire Belcher from Steele Magnolias.

“After all, tomorrow is another day!” ― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind


That which does not kill us, makes us stronger." - This line by Claire Belcher

Hold Me Near

This song speaks my heart

Hold me near, when I am restless.
Hold me near, when I am bitter.
Hold me near, when I'm rebellious.
Hold me near until the end.

Hold me near, when my heart is broken.
Hold me near, when I'm ignorant.
Hold me near, when I am jealous.
Hold me near until the end.

But as for me, my feet almost gave up, I nearly sold my heart.
It's good to be held by my father, its good to be where You are.

The Martha Complex

I dropped Aiden off this morning, him crying. I walked as fast I could to my car, opened the driver's side door, plopped myself in, slammed the door shut...all before the tears could come rushing down my face. I had done everything I could to get him to school on time. I woke up early and got myself ready so by the time he woke up I would be able to spend it with him. In fact, I had to wake him up this morning which is awfully unusual being that he has an internal alarm clock that wakes him up at 5:00 on the dot every morning. But not this morning. I went in his room around 6:15 and gently tried to get him to wake up. We went downstairs, Henry Hugglemonster already on the television, and sat with his sippy cup full of milk and his hands and mouth full of blueberry muffins. I don't get much time with him so I try to make the most of the time I do have. I had him dressed and ready by 7:00. We should have walked out of the door then. But I couldn't find my car keys. Of course. I am the most absent minded person you could ever meet. I started to mentally beat myself up about it. How in the world could you lose your keys? You had everything else set out and ready to go. Of course you'd screw something up. I dug through the trash can first convinced I had thrown them away in one of my moments of absent mindedness. Nope. Searched the entire trash can. Nothing. Nada. So I ran upstairs, heels and all. I looked in my bathroom, in my closet, in Aiden's room. Finally, I looked on the night stand by my bed, and there they were. Sitting in a logical place. The very last place I would've looked. By the time I walked out of the house, crying baby in tow, it was 7:15 which meant I was gonna be caught in the Birmingham traffic. Great. I screwed my morning up already.

So I sat in the parking lot of my son's daycare, and I cried. It didn't matter because I was already going to be late. What I really wanted to do was throw myself onto the ground and pull out one of Aiden's fits. Kicking and screaming, I wanted to cry "Why me, this isn't fair". Being a mom in and of itself is a hard job. I have been a stay at home mother and I have experienced life as a mother with a husband/partner that could help and share in all the tasks. But being a single mom, well...it sucks. There really isn't a nice way to put it. There isn't family close to me to help with the extra stuff that has to get done. There isn't a husband that can entertain my son while I cook him dinner. I do it all. And it's exhausting. I try really hard to get all my ducks in a row. My time with Aiden is limited now that I work, so I make an extra effort to take advantage of the time that I do have with him. When he is sleeping is the time that I clean, shower, do laundry, finish school work, watch tv, etc. But there always seems to be a kink in the hose. And to be quite honest, it is frustrating.

When I finally gathered myself together, put my car in reverse, and backed out of my parking spot to continue on towards work, I found myself asking God, "remind me today that you have already overcome the world". This life is a struggle. I often wonder where the joy has gone. How do I conquer this boy that you have given me, God? How do I meet his needs, and my needs, and your needs...how do I do it all? "Take heart", He says. "I've overcome the world", He says. "When, God because I feel a little overcome right now". I know God probably laughs at me. These things are so trivial and fleeting and in comparison with some...they really aren't that important. But they overwhelm me. I know I'm not alone in this struggle, but sometimes, I feel alone in it.

I think about Mary and Martha when Jesus came to visit. The book of Luke, chapter 10 tells a story about how Martha had opened her home for Jesus and His disciples to visit. Martha was so distracted and busy with all the "stuff" that she needed to get done and noticed that her sister, Martha, was sitting at the feet of Jesus instead of helping her. Now, I can relate with Martha. What the heck did Martha think she was doing? We don't have time to sit. THINGS HAVE GOT TO BE DONE!!!! But Martha, she just sat there at the feet of Jesus. The story tells of how Martha asked Jesus, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me". "Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” DANGIT...we might as well insert my name into His text. "Erica, Erica. You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is really needed. Sit at my feet and rest a little". If I were being honest with you, I spend very little time sitting at the feet of Jesus. I want to, but when do I fit it in? At 4:00 am before Aiden wakes up? At night when I'm already half asleep and have tons of school work waiting on me? There has been a lot of change going on in my life, and I am trying to find a new normal. The balance is hard, and I know I have left out the most important thing. Jesus. And honestly, it seems like making time for Him is just adding another "task" to my list of things "to do".

Now...don't you judge me. I know you have been there too. So how do we fix this? My pastor has often taught that serving Jesus is not a "got to" but an "I get to" thing. When our hearts are right, making time for Him is not a task. It's an honor. So that's what it has come to, guys. Getting back to the basics. Counting it joy to spend time with my Father, even if it means the dishes don't get done or my show doesn't get watched. Oh Martha, I feel your pain. Who else is going to get that boy bathed and dressed? But Mary...she got it right. The Father is here now. Let's spend time with Him. He is what is ultimately important. Everything else will fall in line. To you tired mothers. I got you. I'm there in the struggle with you. We are going to make it. Our Father sees us. He hasn't forgotten. Let's just take some time out...reaccess with our Daddy God. It's that important and vital to our making it to the next day with a sane mind. Take heart, my dear friends. Daddy God has got this!!

Changes

I find it very interesting that Mother's day was the last blog I wrote. Coincidently, Mother's day of 2013 has and will forever be a new chapter in my life. That was the day that everything changed. Without too many intimate and undisclosed details, between Mother's Day 2013 and today, I am now separated from my husband of six years. With that being said...we are all well. Aiden is 20 months old, is starting to put words together. He is happy and healthy and I couldn't ask for a more beautiful, full of life son. Brett is well. He and Aiden decided to take a trip to the Tennessee Aquarium. They were so kind and invited me to go as well. We had a wonderful time. I gave Brett and Aiden their time and I was more like the photographer. It was so nice watching the two of them together. Aiden is now able to acknowledge what is right in front of him, so he was amazed at all the fish swimming around in the huge aquariums. Brett taught Aiden how to say "Bye fishes". It comes out sounding more like "Bye pishes". The aquarium had this really neat butterfly garden and Brett was able to hold a butterfly on his finger so Aiden could see it up close. Those two can find adventure in anything, but being able to hold and see a butterfly up close was pretty exciting if I do say so myself. 

While traveling this road towards divorce, I have learned a lot about myself. I am in some ways much stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am also much weaker in areas that I never thought I could be. Divorce is never fun. I am not sure that I have ever heard someone say "I loved going through my divorce. It was the best time of my life". I may not have had the best marriage, but I look back on the life that I shared with Brett, and I am thankful for the journey. I would not have experienced so many of the adventures that I did experience if I had not married Brett. Brett taught me that I can pursue anything. Especially in school. He always encouraged me to get my bachelor's degree and to not stop my education until I was satisfied. Brett taught me that I can be strong. He has often said that he knew I was much stronger than I even thought. That means a lot to me. I just started a new job recently. Aiden is currently with a babysitter, but we are hoping to get him in a daycare center soon. The one that I am looking at is close to my job which is conveinent for many reasons. Next month, I will be moving in with a great friend that I had the privelege of meeting last year. Her name is Crystal. If you remember in a few of my blogs back, I babysat her son, Rownin, for a few months. I am thankful for the provision God has made for Aiden and I. We are in a good place in life. I have great friends and family. I truly adore my new coworkers. I have met new people who enlighten and enrich my life. God is good. He is also very faithful, even....EVEN when I am not. Next month, my church is starting their new semester of small groups. I am really looking forward to joining one and getting plugged in somewhere. I don't want to walk through this particular season of my life broke and beaten down. Instead, I would rather choose to embrace it. I try to find certain things to focus my attention, time, and energy on. Work. When I am there, I focus on work. Home...cook dinner, feed Aiden, bath time, read a book, rock Aiden and enjoy the moment. Aiden is asleep...school work. That is basically my train of thought lately. In between, I find time to clean, put things away (Brett usually kept the house in order...I am a work in progress), call a few close friends, and catch up a few shows. 

  So...I have not wanted to neglect my blog. But, I wasn't too sure how I would write about this particualr season I am in right now. It's tricky because I am an open book. And ususally, by blogs reflect the season of life that I am in during that moment of writing. I have thought about writing, but the time never seemed right. I feel that I am in a better place now where I am finding the ground beneath my feet. I don't feel like I want to crawl in a hole and hide. I feel good. I am happy and content with life right now. I know who holds my future, and that truly is comforting. For those of you who do choose to read this particular blog and you know Brett and I personally but didn't know of our situation...I ask you this: Please just be respectful. If we haven't spoken to you in person about it, it is most likely because we do not wish to talk about it at the time. What you can do is pray for us. Pray that God will restore our hearts and help us find His purpose and meaning for our lives as individuals as well as parents to our precious gift of a son. God has always had a plan and a purpose for us. He (God) has not changed. We will both find His purpose. I am confident in that. And to anyone else who has gone through a divorce, is going through a divorce, fears that divorce is ahead...I am praying for and with you. We serve a MIGHTY father.

Mother's Day

I will be the first to admit that prior to Motherhood, I was a skeptic of moms.  The emotion attached seemed so made up and fake.  I had those friends who were mothers and they would claim that their whole life revolved around their children.  Our conversations would consist of their children.  They couldn't skip away for the weekend and go to the beach because they needed to be home with their children.  What kind of life did these ladies live?  A particular friend I have in mind is one of my best friends, Jessica Blackburn. For her birthday once, she asked her husband that he save a present for her and use the money for a trip to Disney.  She asked for her gift to be a gift for her son.  Really?  She knew EVERY word to every cartoon that existed and I swore if I heard Yo Gabba Gabba come on while I was there, I would run out screaming.  I did not understand my friend.  How in the world did her live revolve around being a mother?  How in the world was her life fulfilling?

I am now a mother of a WONDERFUL seventeen month boy.  With that said...I am NOW that Mother.    My world is my son.  And I get it now.  I know every word to every show that comes on the Disney Channel and I do not care (however, I STILL HATE Yo Gabba Gabba and refuse to play it in my house).  My life, my schedule, and my conversations are revolved around my son, and I could not imagine it being any other way. 

Aiden Hugh Barron,

The moment I knew I was pregnant, I feared you.  I knew you deserved the very best and I did not know that I could be the one who could do that.  I wanted to do right by you.  I spent nine months of my life in expectation and preparation for you.  You are here and my life is changed for the better.  You are a beautiful, handsome, and charming young boy.  Before you were born, I prayed constantly that God would give you the spirit of King David.  I wanted you to be a person who LOVED life and laughed as often as you could.  You do just that, my love.  You can say my name now and when you do, you scream it so I can hear.  MAAAAA-MAAAAA!!!  And as you say it, you have the biggest smile on your face.  I am so in love with you.  You have changed my life and enriched it.  You give my life meaning and purpose.  You make me want to be better at everything I do.  You, my love, are my purpose.  If I fail at being your mother, I have failed my purpose in life.  You are my ministry.  Being your mother gives me meaning.  I love you.  In fact, the term love does not express the emotions I want to express behind it.  Thank you for showing me what life is about.

Love Always,

Your MaMa

Friday's Letter

I love letters.  There is so much power in the written words.  Sure, words can be spoken and hold meaning.  But the written words, they are a window into a soul.  The written word requires a dedication of time spent.  It requires thought and expression.  That is why I try my best to do these letters.   To express my love for those who mean the most to me.  To express my joy, my trials, and everything else in between.  If you read these random letters that I write, you will find my heart laid out in words.

Dear Brett Joseph Barron.  It is no secret that we have had our share of struggles these past few years of marriage.  I have come to the conclusion that Satan hates us because he knows that greatness lies within us.  I have never loved a man like I love you.  I am crazy about you and everyday, I am so grateful that you are my man.  God is doing a lot in you and in me.  As of tomorrow, it will be a week since we renewed our wedding vows.  I gave you my forever all over again, and I will and would do it again if I had to.  You are my prince.  

Dear Judgement.  We were friends once.  Together we would belittle others in our minds.  Scrutinize their mistakes and failures, and mock at their poor choices.  Now, you have betrayed me as you do everyone else you befriend.  You then introduced me to your friends, Guilt and Shame.  I look at my past mistakes and failures and feel the mockery of you, Judgement, against me.  I think of those that I have thought negative of and have judged.  Now I realize that I should have befriended Grace and introduced it to others instead of you for it is Grace that I, myself need.  Romans 8:1 has thought me that there is no condemnation in Christ and for those who are in Christ.  Matthew 7:1 strictly warns, judge not, lest you be judged.  And Romans 5:20 says that where sin abounds, so does grace.  Thankfully, I am growing in my walk with Christ, and I am learning what it means to be free.  You are no longer my friend, Judgement.  I have a new friend now, Grace, and I am ready to introduce him to those who have been fooled by you.

Dear Aiden Hugh.  Why must you grow up.  You have hit a stage where you are learning to test your boundaries.  I tell you "no" and you hit at me.  I try to feed you, and you shake your head "no" until I give you what I am eating.  Not only are you becoming this independent and testy little creature, but you are acquiring bruises and scratches.  In the past 24 hours, you have managed to bump your head on three different occasions.  I almost didn't go to my small group with you because I was afraid they might think I had beat you.  I wish I could slow time down.  You have my heart in your hands, and you are running way to fast with it.  I fed you doughnuts today because you were in a poor mood.  You loved them doughnuts and continued to grunt at me the entire ride back to the house in hopes for another one.  I will surely miss these times one day.  I of course paid for your sugar rush later with a heaping attitude towards the end of the night.  But the look on your face when you discovered the sweet, sugary deliciousness of doughnut holes will forever be priceless.  I love you more than you loved those sugar demon doughnuts. 

Dear Mom and Dad.  Some people find it strange that you both know every detail of my life.  I do not find it strange.   I am so grateful to have you both to mentor my husband and I on this journey of life and marriage.  I was just telling Brett the other day how lucky we are to have you pour into us and challenge us to be better so that we can be used by Christ.  I do not believe for one second that God sent you on a marriage cruise to ignite your marriage around the same time that Brett and I attended the Ignite Marriage Conference at our church this past weekend.  Our Heavenly Father is up to something great, and I am so thankful that we have you to shine a light in front of us. 

Dear Beloved Brett.  I would be incomplete without you.  Who else would buy me a whole entire pantry shelf full of ramen noodles because I crave them on a daily basis?  I am not sure how you do it, but you have wrapped me into all your silly man shows.  As of right now, our dvr holds Swamp People, Moonshiners, Doomsday Preppers, and Duck Dynasty.  I still can't get the picture of Tickle lying in a soapy bathtub giving love advice for Valentine's Day out of my head.  I have been traumatized for life.  You are my standard, babe.  No one will compare.  I love you more than Tickle loves moonshine. 

Friday's letter (on a Sunday)

Dear Aiden Hugh. It is so hard not to laugh when I tell you "no" and you start to pop my hand (which is what I USED to do when I told you "no" until this started to occur). But seriously, we need to stop this habit. Dear Apartment Complex. It looks like we will be residents here for a least another six months. Please be kind to my family. Dear Daddy. Thank you for always letting me believe in love and never stifling my passion to show love to others even when it hurts. You once told me "Imagine how Christ must feel". I love our conversations. You make me believe that there is a purpose for my emotional side. Dear Future. For once in my life, I am thankful that I do not know what you hold. The not knowing forces me to either worry or to live. I choose to live. My Precious Little Man. I have learned that when God commanded man to "be fruitful", He meant to multiply who He is in us to others. I pray everyday that He equips Me to show you the truth through who I am in my everyday life. I make mistakes and I will never claim to be perfect, but I pray that you see Christ portrayed. I love you my miracle man.

Friday's Letter

My Sweet Baby Boy.  You are the light of my life.  I am amazed at the life and the love that shines through your smile.  Your daddy bought you size 4 diapers yesterday and although I know you needed the bigger size, seeing the number "4" on the side of the diaper pack made me cringe when I saw it.  You have grown so fast.  This has been a tough week for you.  Your second 1 yr molar is coming in on the right side and on top of that, you got Roseola Virus which made you run insanely high temperatures.  Mommy's heart was so broken to see you so sick.  It makes me happy to see you come back to life these past two days.  Dear Master's Degree.  I am so intimidated by you.  I hope you are worth all the debt I am going in to get you.  Dear Heart of Mine.  You are so blessed.  I want to remind you to never focus on the negative.  If you started now, you would spend the rest of your life counting the blessing that Father has showered upon you.  My Dear Little Man.  You get two letters this week.  Have I told you how much I love you?  There aren't human words to describe my love.  We have this new thing where I squirt whip cream from a can into your mouth.  Every time I go to the fridge, you point to the can of whip cream.  I feel like the coolest mom in the world when I see you open your mouth so wide in anticipation and then I get the biggest flashy smile after you've finished gulping it down.  I love you more than you love whip cream. 

Friday's Letter

Dear Brett Barron.  You are the most organized, clean freak I have ever met.  I am the exact opposite.  The good Lord only knows how messy our home would be if it weren't for your obsessive cleaning and organizing.  I must admit, it inspires me.  And on the occasional moments that I get the urge to organize, I always feel a little bit lighter.  Dear Aiden Hugh Barron.  You turned one a little over a month ago and you have already changed so much since that day.  You are not just walking.  You are running.  You copy words that I say.  You are becoming someone other than my tiny baby.  I miss my tiny baby, but I am enjoying watching you discover the world.  Dear weather.  You are insane.  Why is it so hot in January?  I want to wear my warm winter clothes and leggings as long as possible.  Dear secret that I cannot share at this time.  YOU ARE KILLING ME!!!  I am so excited to share you to everyone.  (Warning...I AM NOT PREGNANT!).  Dear Brett Joseph.  We have had a rough time this past year.  I look forward to what God has in store for us in 2013.  I remember a year ago on New Year's telling you how much I wanted 2012 to be a year that we give to God.  Satan fought us every step of the way.  God has good for our future which keeps me pressing through.  I love you more today than I did yesterday:)

Friday's Letter

Dear Mr. Barron.  You have been working late nights for the past two weeks.  I am not a fan.  What I am a fan of is the sweet cuddles that I get when you finally climb into bed.  I am so glad that you are not too tired to show a girl some loving.  Dear Gina.  I love that your way of getting revenge to someone who is rude to you is by being considerable sweet back to them.  I saw you work this magic twice on two different occasions whilst in Wal-Mart.  Your kindness is so convincing even I thought you were being nice.  Only you would get revenge by being kind.  Dear Aiden.  You are hilarious.  Your sense of humor astounds me.  I'm pretty sure you get it from your mother.  Dear Egg Nog.  Your festive taste warms my heart.  Whether it is alone in a glass or added to my coffee in the morning, you are a welcomed guest in my home.  If only you weren't so fattening.  Dear Brett Joseph.  You. Are. Adorable.  I pointed out how you whine when you are considerably tired the other night and you continued to whine about how you do not whine.  So precious.  You can whine all you want, babe.  You work hard enough to deserve that privilege.  I love you more than I love cuddling!

The Missing Mother.

Now that Aiden has turned one, I have found myself looking back at pictures from the past year.  There are many, MANY pictures.  Each picture holds a special memory of that moment shared.  There is one thing that I noticed in all of these amazing pictures.  I am missing in many of them.  I see the pictures.  I remember the moment.  But I am not there in the picture.  "Where were you?", I asked myself.  Then it dawned on me.  I took these pictures.  There are several pictures of Aiden with many of our friends and family.  People that we love and adore more than anything.  Now, don't misunderstand me.  There are pictures of Aiden and I.  But these pictures are posed.  Many of them I had to ask someone, "Could you please take a picture of me with Aiden".  I spend everyday with my son.  I feed him, bathe him, play with him on the floor for hours at a time, sing to him, make funny faces and do silly dances to keep him from crying, take him to his doctor appointments, rock him to sleep, and change almost every diaper he has ever had.  I am always there with him.  Why are there not more pictures of us together?  Well, for one, it is usually just Aiden and I.  My husband works hard everyday and he's a man.  It's not like he thinks of taking pictures.  And to be honest, it is not like I would want him to.  I am most likely in a t-shirt, sweatpants, no make-up, hair tangled in a fallen bun.  Why would I want him to take pictures of me in that manner?  I guess when I saw that there weren't many candid pictures of Aiden and I, it upset me because I am always there.  I felt like Aiden would look back and wonder, "Where's mommy".  If you are a mother, you have most likely shared a familiar sentiment.  You are the one who captures those precious moments of your children.  Here's the thing.  It's okay to be missing out of these pictures.  Why?  Because you WERE there.   The entire time, you were the one in the moment.  If there is one thing that I have learned being a mother it is to enjoy the moments.  Even the bad ones when your baby is nonstop crying and you are working on little to no sleep.  These moments are not enjoyable.  Trust me, I know.  But they are moments to treasure because you were the one who was there to rock that sweet baby to sleep and let them know everything is okay.  Pictures fade.  And sometimes, pictures cause you to interrupt the moment.  I wish there were more candid pictures of Aiden and I, but I would not trade the moments that I had experienced for the sake of a picture.  If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a memory must be worth a lifetime.  There might not be a picture of the many times that Aiden and I went for strolls in the park, or the time that we fell asleep on the couch while watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse at 4am in the morning.  There isn't a picture of the time that I made Aiden laugh by doing this ridiculous dance in the kitchen.  But I have my memories.  These precious memories of our time spent together.  I remember my first night having to rock him in my brand new rocking chair.  I wasn't even angry or aggravated.  I was weirdly proud and excited to be the one that my baby needed to put him to sleep again.  I will never forget that night.  The picture is forever graved in my mind and carved in my heart.  So to you amazing, warrior like mothers.  Be encouraged.  You may be missing in many of your family photos, but you will forever be present in the lives of your children and in their hearts. 

This is one of my favorite pictures of Aiden and I.  We were posing for my husband to take a picture and my sweet sister snapped this picture with my phone without me knowing.  So I do in fact have a few "candid" pictures :)

A Look Back...continued!!

8 Months: 7 Months Old

You love to snuggle up with your "Lammy" that you got for Easter from your Gran Jules and G Daddy. 

I'm not sure why, but you take your best naps when you're cuddled up to your daddy.

This was taken on a rainy day where we did nothing but eat and cuddle all day.  One of mommy's favorite days ever!

You sure do love your bath times!

We were headed to see your Aunt Maya on this day.  You are looking dapper as always!

We had just gotten to the lake and you were still sleepy.  Your Uncle Jeff made a nice cushion:)

 9 Months: 8 Months Old

You were crawling like crazy this day and I was doing my best to get you to stop for a picture.  This is all you would give me:)

It's a tough life to be this handsome, but someone has to do it!

Sweet loving from your cousin Karmyn!

I guess it's time we lower your crib. 

Agh!  Where's my hand?

10 Months: 9 Months Old

I got this, MOM!

This is the face I get when you just wake up.

Shopping with your daddy.

Lunch date with your favorite Aunt Gina. 

You and the slide did not get along on this particular day. 

Your first taste of ice cream with Gammy.  I think you liked it!

You fell asleep while eating.  I couldn't resist taking a picture. 

You LOVE to swing!

You like riding around with your G Daddy. 

Shammah is literally your best friend.

You didn't want to take a picture.  I get it.  The rabbit is scary.  Whatever. 

Dinner at the Cheesecake factory with Karmyn and your GG.

Again, these face animal characters just weren't your thing.  Maybe next time, right?

11 Months: 10 Months Old

Getting some loving from your Grandma's

Trying out your Halloween costume. 

Getting some sweet kisses from the bride. 

Visiting Daddy at work. 

Touring the cookie factory.  We had to wear these hair nets.  You weren't too thrilled about it.

Knocked out after a walk in the park. 

Playing with your G Daddy. 

You love this pirate hat that your cousins from New Jersey sent you.  The Dina's always send the best gifts!

We are such hams!! 

Mommy loves your cheese grin!

PUMPKIN PATCH!! 

This is quite possibly one of my favorite pictures with you. 

I love your face!

You and daddy had fun in the bounce house.

This was a great day at the pumpkin patch. 

I'm guessing you thought it was your bottle?

Feeding the geese. 

Stink Face!

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine!

12 Months: 11 Months Old

Playing with your birthday present from your Grandma Sue. 

I'm not sure why you and daddy decided to lay on the sidewalk and play, but you two always have fun wherever you go. 

Bounce House with the most handsome son in the world. 

You love to facetime Daddy when he's at work!

You love the ball pit!

 

 

13 Months: 12 Months Old

 

Happy 1st Birthday my dear handsome man. 

Tie Dyed Birthday pancakes!

Shot's on your birthday :(

If you really "Mustache" I'm ONE!!

Birthday Picture with my Little Man!

Whew!  Shots are over with!

Wagon ride with Mommy and Daddy.

Talking to yourself in the mirror!